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Do Ethics Comes From Heart Or Brain? Whom To Listen Heart Or Brain Either Case? What Would You Do ?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by BeautifulSmile, Sep 3, 2019.

  1. BeautifulSmile

    BeautifulSmile Silver IL'ite

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    Here is one link of my relevant issue : What Do You Advice?



    Back to current state : I stopped doing their laundry, their dinner preparation, etc to have less interaction with her. Honestly it looks like that is what she wants. When I am not there she talks to son with happy loud voice. As soon as I am in downstairs her tone and mood changes. To let her be in peace I am trying my best to stay away from her. In this process I am really feeling guilty for :


    1. Not helping her with laundry. If that’s my mom, no matter how badly I fought with her I will still do it. But with MIL, to avoid her sarcastic comments and moody face I am keeping myself out. Where did my ethics go?

    2. They eat different dinner than us, again I am not helping her. She is taking care of that. to avoid her sarcastic comments and moody face I am keeping myself out. Where did my ethics go?

    3. As schools resumed, evenings I am back to kids school home works and getting them back on the gear. So instead of straight from garage to kitchen now I am making myself comfortable to go straight to kids work. And asked husband to resume the old routine of him cooking dinner as he don’t want to handle kids. But MIL don’t want her son to cook food, she is preparing our dinner too. Whereas he is helping her with chopping and doing assistance work. Constantly she is claiming to give her son as much rest as she can till they are here. So I was feeling guilty to eat food that came to my pate without me or my husband cooking. If it’s my mom, with loud voice I would have asked her not to cook anything for us till I complete my kids’ stuff. With this lady, my voice won’t reach the coroner of her ear at all. She is just worried that I might make her son cook.

    Since at least a week this nonstop and restless fight is going within me. My heart is telling me continue with what I am doing as she is not appreciating anything I am doing rather more silent complaints and moody face no matter what I am doing or saying. My brain is talking about ethics, ignore what she is and resume helping her. My heart is pounding.

    After being with them for close to 3 months now, I realized I cant make them happy, always she is sad/grumpy for something. And influence FIL with her non stop analysis and complaints. Now a days FIL behavior also changed a bit. Many times she didnt realize I am there when she was talking to him quietly, her comments really hurts me. Most of the times I make a move immediately to not hear any conversations that hurt me , second my ethics tells me to move away from there so she feels comfortable of talking whenever and whatever she wants to talk.

    My only aim is: they day when they leave to India, I should be satisfied with my behavior towards them.
     
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  2. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Op let me share with you that whatever you have written I can so relate to it. You have to deal with MIL for 3-6 months and I have to deal daily because we stay together or rather I would put it this way that "they stay with us."

    We fiercely independent women can't accept other woman doing a small work for us. Say for eg :MIL cooking. I too couldn't accept this initially and had discussion many times with my husband. His point of view just like how you don't like taking her help ,she who is much older than you will have these same feelings. So after much reluctance, against my ego (yes for me my ego is bigger :grinning:) I have slowly accepted this and take it in my favour. If someone is helping you in bringing that one job down in your to do list then why not. Just go for it. Many times I would not like her cooking. But after she cooks I will customise as per my liking, tweak a bit here n there and enjoy the food the way I want to eat.

    Secondly husband cooking : nothing wrong in this. I would say don't budge and give up on asking his help when needed even in front of her. If she is cooking and he's helping for time being let this set up be there. Once they go back to their place you can bring him back to track.
    Mommies hate to see their son doing kitchen work but let's not give up.

    Regarding your heart v/s brain fight - see I would say you are doing the right thing in minding your business and letting her have her time with her husband talking about you. She feels good/great/satisfied doing that. Let her be happy doing her thing and you be happy doing your thing.

    No don't be guilty, you are not abusing them /hurting them physically /talking bad about them /cursing them etc etc.
    All you are doing is minding your business and maintaining some ethics. So no need to be guilty.
    Older women need some small household work to be occupied. How much can one talk about others :grin:. So she doing laundry, cooking etc etc shouldn't bother you at all. After all she wants to share your work and be happy about it. :blush::blush:
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2019
  3. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Finest Post Winner

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    Keep up that "beautiful smile" and let your MIL do the $h!t she wants to.

    Be satisfied with yourself. When they don't bother how they treAt you...why should you bother.
    Enjoy your "ME" time if she takes up doing chores. Count it as blessing
     
  4. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Your ethics are fine. Respect has to be mutual.
    Listen to your brain. Heart is always confused
     
  5. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    It is a terrible situation. Why do you want them in your house if they treat you like this? You are their DIL and mom to their grandkids. Whatever issue you had in the past, you shouldn't let them talk bad about you to your husband. I know it is hard, but I cannot imagine to go through a few months like this in my own house. I wouldn't want my kids to hear my MIL talking bad about me to my husband.
     
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  6. BeautifulSmile

    BeautifulSmile Silver IL'ite

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    Because I feel they are my responsibility being wife to their son. No matter what , I will never ever say they are not my family. But setting healthier examples and environment to my kids is the biggest concern , as you raised. Me and and my husband working on it. Good part is (as far as I am aware of) MIL is not raising voice or talking bad in front of kids, because she knows the consequences. And I believe my husband will respect me even in my absence, that is the main reason for MIL to mind her own business ( I guess). I feel sorry for her - for wasting her precious time on stupid tings and not talking to me.
     
  7. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

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    For me ethics comes with inner strength. With the awareness that short term satisfaction can give you long term disguise. One can work for you but if your heart doesn't accept and confused then something must be wrong in it.

    I am not in favour of serving even after her badmouthing. But there are various ways discussed in IL to make your inner self strong. I am not saying that I achieved that but I am working on that. Sometimes I hate her like anything but other times I feel that this hate is affecting my inner self more than to her. Other times either I try to be neutral or I try to improve on our relationship and discuss more things with her. Nothing lasts long but still I get some days of positivity too if some are negative. I get internal satisfaction for those days if not others. I remain happy those days if not always. If one cannot change something permanently for the entire life then just keep trying. If not the whole life some of your life will improve that will help to live you some guilt free days too.
     

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