Diwali Explosions At Home

Yes.... your story is long, and it takes time to sink in to cause a feeling one way or the other. Especially difficult, when people are suffering from diwali cuisine splurge.

I could click you a like, if you read the linked article, and post a comment on it:
16 Signs You May Be in a Loveless Marriage

My favorite paragraph in the article is this:

At least one of you is kind of acting like an ass.
In his over 40 years of research, Dr. John Gottman—psychological researcher and author The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work—found that couples in lasting relationships have five positive interactions for every negative one. He calls this the “magic ratio.”​

 

From your previous post as well as this, it’s clear that all these problems have been happening almost through out your marriage.

so either you give up n adjust or keep fighting n come to some understanding, both options takes time, it’s not easy. Or 3rd option, you can keep venting out here, vent out is also a big relief.

Either you give an ultimatum, things change for the better or you walk. Some guys change when something drastic like that happens, n for some they may get even more mad. Since your dh doesn’t like you even going to your moms house, he might budge.

Your mil is threatened by you, most mils are. Nothing new there, majority of our il post’s mils are similar to yours. Either you fight, ignore, adjust or move away - these are the options because them changing is a rare thing.

You can have a personal talk with your mil, ‘ I have no intention of going away separately, believe me, let’s all live in this house happily’ show some tv serial or movie with friendly dil n mil n say we can be like this. Lie or exaggerate if you have to, but try a different approach n try to see if she’s budging.
I am assuming you have tried talking all this to your dh but wasn’t a big success, so try your mil now.

Nothing is going to change till you choose to do something drastic. N you would have to keep doing whenever they go off track also.

 

OP,

1) I would suggest - first sit down , clear your mind and write down what YOU want. NOT what your DD wants, NOT what your Husband wants, NOT what your mother wants - What is it that YOU want . It could be something really simple as you stated -" I want to be respected" OR something complicated like "I want to find the key to World peace". But it should be what drives all your actions from now on.

Once you have figured out what you want, write down the immediate next 10 steps that you can do to achieve this. One of them could be "Improve communication with husband" . Now further break it down to things you will do - I will ask him for 10 minutes outside the house , so that I can sit and talk to him about my feelings. I will try to get him to come to a marriage counsellor etc.

Staying in an emotionally abusive marriage just because your DH doesnt want you to take a break , is not good for you or your kid.

2) On your side, I feel that the mistake you did was to "use" a good conversation you had with BIL into ammo. This just makes you the jealous one. Imagine the reverse situation - if your husband had come and told you "look how cosis is taking care of BIL" , wouldnt you get angry? In any situation , do not compare yourselves or the way they treat you with the way they treat anyone else. It would just be used against you and you come off looking as the crazy one.

 

AND this is exactly where you are going wrong. Your MIL is baiting and you are constantly biting . The relationship between husband and wife should be pretty straight forward with open communication - but that is very rarely the case in our Indian Gharana. Which means, you need to clear your heard and start playing the game too. For that, first and foremost, control your impulses to get angry and sound your mouth off. Understand the "baits" that your MIL lays out for you, learn to identify them . Learn to "respond"and not "react" . It may take some time, but right now, your MIL has your husbands ears because you seem to be proving your MIL right everytime.

 

Your husband is stonewalling you. With 3 against one, it is hard for you to do anything positive for yourself. It is whirlpool, when in whirlpool, it is hard to have a bird's eye view, let alone act according to it.
I would suggest, you a take break and get away to parents for a week or weekend- with child.
Make it a regular practice.
Figure out how to push husband's button's and do that- sometimes- to jerk him out of his stonewalling. Let him be the bad guy and yell his head off- at that time be the good guy (and be silent but correct and emotionally distant) and stonewall him.
You will need few gos at it, to get the process correct. Once you get a hang of it, do it once a month or whenever the perfect opportunity presents itself. Have a killer attitude and go for kill.
This will give you the mental stimulation that you are lacking in marriage. It may not be the best way to get it, but it will help