Divorced & now in love with a married man with kids

tanujam-the point you stated holds true for saudi arabia..because female foeticide and sati are not practiced there..thats why the number of females is more there..for them a girl being born is taken as a blessing..not other way round...the religion is just not targeted in saudi..and also coz the sex ratio is more for men than women when you consider the entire world..not just saudi..and if you had read closely,its stated that its a practice..its not a mandatory rule as you are stating..and the practice also comes with its effects..not every1 there have multiple wives..its not forced upon men to marry multiple times...as i had stated it is infact discouraged if the man cannot provide financial,mental,physical and emotional rights to the wives...which happens most of the times..because now a days men cant even segregate and barely provide the rights for wives and their mothers,leave alone working among two wives..so since men are weak this way,it is discouraged,if they think they will not be able to treat the wives equally

instead of targetting this as a religious issue it should be dealt as an emotional one..because here the man in question is ready to divorce his first wife too and marry another woman..so thats pretty common everywhere...JMO.

 

Pooja,

I am trying to say that the number of females in Saudi is NOT more than males. Statistics suggest there are 1.27 males for every female in Saudi. Meaning there are roughly 5 males for every 4 females there. And that is why the logic of males marrying multiple females to balance the skewed ratio, does not make any sense.

Can you please let me know WHERE I have stated polygamy is mandatory rule in saudi. I have made no such statements. To me it does not matter whether it is rule, practice or a fashion statement. It is just Plain WRONG in my view. If the Man's wife happens to find her soul-mate in another man, is she allowed to take up a second husband? I guess not.

I have NOT mentioned any religion anywhere in my post. Infact that is exactly what I am saying, irrespective of a person's faith, this kind of polygamous marriage to me does not sound fair. My advice & opinion would remain same for any man/woman. Emotions of everyone should be considered, including those of first wife & children. The OP is not doing any favors to first wife by not letting her beau divorce her. JMO.

 

I slightly differ from your opinion here. I am sorry for that...

I have been to Soudi, Sudan, Yemen and other middle east and Northern African (MENA) regions and spent a quality time in handling with such polygamy issues in practical life.

British or Indian law is NOT in practice in those countries.... So, they practice ONLY Shari at law (Muslim law). According to the above said law, it is legally acceptable for a man to have upto 4 wives at a time. All the wives have equal rights and the man needs to treat them equally. He doesnt need to get permission nor does he need to notify his first wife about the second or third marriage. All what he needs to do is to inform the respective mosque and the father of the bride about this marriage. If the bride or anyone has a complaint (pls note the complaint is not about the marriage, but about equal treatment/spending etc), then they can notify the mosque about this and the mosque will temporarily stops the arrangements. Here the man needs to convince his wife (s) and then to get permission letter from them for a "go ahead" in this process.

It is legally, culturally and practically accepted norm there, so it is not a matter of serious discussion for those women in MENA like here in India. What is right to us may not be right to someone else... This world is too big to generalize.

In our community MIL's interference and dowry demand issues are a common issues, but they are culturally or legally not accepted here. Hence we discuss them seriously for a solution. So, such matters shouldnt be compared with somewhat less weighted and legally accepted issues of that regions.

 

Take your time and you will find some solution one day!!!.

 

you have a ways to go before you can consider yourself Doomed Listen to your doubts...there has to be a reason for that...the doubt doesn't have to be about anything bad in him. It is about what expectations you have for yourself.

 

Hi Mooni,
Perhaps you feel that he has been friendly with you behind his wifes back who thinks he is loyal to her only.
It may be legal but it does hurt to share ones beloved with another woman.
Maybe you are secretly scared that he may repeat this with some other lady and you may not be able to handle it or his visits to his first wife ,familycould upset you.
Wait for some more time before you take a decision, try and stay away from him for a few months or weeks so that you can see the picture clearly.
The grass is always greener on the other side . Right now your meetings are furtive and all the planning is thrilling.
Once you marry this thrill of tasting the forbidden fruit will be over and life may seem boring and routine.

 

You sound like a smart, independent and intelligent woman. I am sure you cant ignore all the signs that accompany this package. he has a wife, kids who, no matter what he feels, still feel for him and hence with him. If a man can ignore feelings of people who have been with him (fairly long) then how does it guarantee he will value you and your feelings?
You have already suffered in past and ended a long and painful relationship. Do you want to go thru the same ordeal again?
i know in your situation you might be badly looking for an emotional support and you are definitely entitled to one. however not thinking enough about this particular situation might end up you being more hurt (also the hurt you will cause his family indirectly). Its really not worth putting so much at stake when you have so many visible signs from the almighty.
I am aware about this custom of multiple wives in muslims, but its only applicable in certain situations. INfact in modern world, the basis for multiple marriages does not exist. So the whole concept of being married to him as his second wife is nothing but symbolic of desparation / lust that he wnats to fulfill by labelling it as "marriage".
Please THINK again.

 

Dear mooni...

Please wait for sometimes.. Give this waiting period to learn and understand each other in a better way... Do not rush, when your heart says not to rush... When there is no 100% trust, then it is definitely the time to WAIT.

During this period, either you may compromise with his love and start trusting him more... OR he may change or show his true colours (which no one knows yet for sure) and hence you may start detaching from him. OR his wife may react and that may bring some changes in this scenario. Whatever it is, it is better to wait for sometimes... let's say 6months to 1 yr... and go for a strong decision.

 

Hey mooni,

if you don't know what bothering you ....., sit in a quite corner...write down things that trouble you..... if you don't like to write down...just think about them......i believe ....you can understand ...what's stopping you from taking a decision.. god bless you.....



Thanks.