Divorced & now in love with a married man with kids

Mooni

I would suggest pls talk to his wife....I understand what you are talking from religion perspective, and finding a soul mate and all...but isnt this one form of emotional relationship??talk to his wife and if she is open for this idea then you canmake a decision....

See from your perspective, you know what you want now, but when committed in a relationship eventually expectations increase, people want more...you may want more..or he may want more....think about future...not just present...and also relationships or to be independant MONEY is not the only factor...just because he is a millionaire, doesnt mean he can marry 100 times....(even if the religion permits..) sometimes men/women have to understand....that relationships are not about just ability to provide for wife n kids..its about commitment...and its bout how many are you sharing with.....what is he going to differentiate b/w you n his first wife when comes to sharing n caring??? he is a human..not god!!! what if tomorrow his first wife is able to provide him that emotional support n soul mate feeling better than you are...because she was married to him and she knows him more than you do...(atleast as a senior to you to as a woman who spent more time with him...) think of all these scenarios....

it may not be physical attraction now...but over time...when you commit to emotional stuff....physical becomes part of it...and if you happen to have a kid with him...what next?? just think before you make any decisions....keep an open mind pls....religion is entirely diff. thing...but what I would like you to consider is...as a woman someother womans feelings...future kids and their mental state...

 

When a woman does same thing as a man in this primitive culture she is labelled as a protitute when a man does similar thing IMO he is a man whore. You are not doing a favor be letting him to stay married to his first wife, she may not be able to divorce him due to financial, age or may be she is very emotionally dependent on him. It is better for to divorce him if she can remarry in that way she does not have to live with bitterness rest of her life. You seem to be an educated self-sufficient woman attracted to this rich man , you should know better than him, what is the point of writing articles it seems to that you have joined Taliban. A woman needs more than money, given a choice no sane woman would like to share her spouse.

 

Mooni, irrespective of what is allowed, whether your personal experiences justify your next action, or what your emotions are at this moment, something in you makes you hesitate. Otherwise you wouldn't have brought it to this public forum. We can all give our opinions on what is right.

But listen to your own doubts...you'll find your answers there.

You are only 28. Trust me, you may think you've seen a lot but you have a ways to go. There is a lot more good and bad in store for you. Try not to get the emotional high now eclipse the possibilities in the future.

What two consenting adults do is very different from what happens with a 3rd party..no matter how unlikeable she/he is in real life (or described to be)

 

So whats keeping you from tying the knot, why are you hesitating, what are your fears??

 

Mooni,
You are welcoming a big trouble on your own.
Don't do that. try to get a chance to meet his family,speak with his wife,definitely you will come to know what is really happening between these two.Never marry before he get divorce .don't allow him to miss use your situation,he knows well that you are single and financially good,may exploit you.
Just for a word,tell him seriously that you don't want to work after marrying him,keep that word for a month or two.He may slowly move away from you.
All the Best.

 

i have read extensively on this religion since i was born and brought up in saudi arabia..of what i can make out from giving advice to OP is

religious wise-as stated i have read in this religion a man can maintain 4 wives at a time..tho any 2 wives cannot be sisters..the catch in this is he can marry more than one wife only if he is capable of maintaining them equally in all respects...financially,emotionally,physically...if he thinks he cannot maintain them equally,it is discouraged for them to marry more than one...this practice of 4 wives brings the balance to marriage in the world as the number of women is more than men...so many ladies will be left without a husband and instead of having an illegal physical relation ship and not getting any rights in the end, this method gives women to lead a life of dignity enjoying the same rights as of a wife in all aspects (property inheritance,finances,physical intimacy,emotional stability) and the children bore will too have to be treated with the same rights as of the first wife..the religion is this..tho many misuse it..thats another story...

the marriage issue is next-women in this religion can never be forced to marry..if its a forced marriage then,it is not taken into account as marriage...the girl has to say yes at the time of marriage(nikaah)..and this ceremony requires the imam(religious person),2 witnesses and the bride..only these many people are necessary for the marriage to take place,so that when the girl says yes,she feels she is not under any pressure in any form(i.e. a large societal pressure or family pressure)...she has to say yes thrice..so that its known its HER consent..and not forced...at the time of marriage the groom has to give dowry to the bride(mehr)..not vice versa..nikaah is not legalized without setting up a fixed amount being given to the bride from the groom...thats it...the marriage is done..the children cannot disobey their parents,but,with regards to choosing their life partner the girls and guys have been given equal rights i.e.they can say no if they have good reasons...and it wont be accounted in as not obeying your parents..

so this is how as simple it is to get married..not many people practice this in todays world..like i said thats another story..so as simple it is to get married,it is that hard to divorce here..because,saying talaaq has been made easy...but,the catch behind it is for men to have strong patience and not go about mentally harassing your wife or saying divorce at the drop of a hat...its another thing if the lady is pregnant,menstrual cyscles..they all have their effects on this...so talaaq seems easy to say,but it is for men to learn that they cannot loose their patience so easily at the drop of a hat..once divorced they cannot marry the same woman unless that woman has also entered some other marriage and had been divorced...so this possibility is rare to happen..so its for men to understand that if done once their is no turning back..but only a few men realize how hard it is and think its the easiest thing said and done....

with this light,its time for OP's issue..i think its more of an emotional issue than a religious one..she is allowed to marry....but you should be prepared for its future circumstances..its very easy for u to say now that i am busy and wont mind and all..but once you get married the entire equilibrium changes,u like it or not...you will eventually crave your husbands love,his attention,his kids....you will take her as a competetion..in case your husband is not able to fulfill your rights then it will lead to a depressing marriage...and asking him to divorce his wife is not fair i feel..she was married to him long back and has children with him..where will they go..who will take care of them monetarily..though maintainence will be provided..but that wont suffice..u entered this equilibrium..you have to make the compromise or descision...why them?

from the already married woman's point of view,its wrong on your and her husbands part to be going behind her back...either confront her and let her know about this..talk with her and get her view...because right now her husband is cheating on her...if he wanted to marry you he would have first confronted his wife about this,or laid this proposal to you through mutual acquaintances(i dont know if he did it that way)...if he is once disloyal to his wife then it shows a lot about his character...loyalty is the basis..its best for you to first talk with her...

take time and decide..

 

No woman would like to share her hubby emotionally or physically.Don't you think you are spoiling another woman's life?There are a lot of unmarried or divorced or widower men out there.

 

Mooni,

Suppose, you marry him,

1) don't you want children? once children comes into picture...trouble starts..because.....as a mother you want your children to be taken care properly....for any man or women...dealing a single person whether it is wife or husband is very difficult.......your children and his children from previous marriage...don't you think ..there will be tensions between siblings........you want to bring your children in so unhealthy atmosphere?

2) after marriage and after having children, definitely small troubles crop up..god forbid...if he wants to marry another women..that he felt connected to....you say its ok for you....what about your children... will it be same from them....don't they feel insecure and troubled...come on.......as a adult , you know how hard is separation...think about children..it effects them to the core......

think about his children,now.....and how it gonna effect them...they are small..they did not comit any mistake...

hey...you are sailed and sailing in difficult boat...i understand.....but ..you have no right to spoil others peace.....for your happiness..especially children's...what you do to others ..will comes back to haunt you in one form or other form...don't forget that....

(it is true for me...and i believe its true for everyone.....after my marriage MIL tortured me so much for almost 3yrs....i have to depend on medication for depression, made unsuccessful attempts to die and all..it was hell...she wants to prove that she is boss to FIL and to her son(my DH)..so many things happened.. i don't want to think about, but now my FIL passed away..my DH slowly seeing his mother's true nature..i have lots of oppurtunity to take revenge on her... but i left everything to god.......)

you said your are educated ... definitely you are smart....you may feel you are connected to this guy....i suspect you are overlooking problems....pls don't take any steps in hurry....this is your second chance....do think properly....
All the best for future...! God bless you.

Thanks for reading.

 

It is common & culturally acceptable to give and take dowry in my community. Doesnt mean it is right or fair.

This may have been true when these rules were put down. According to Wikipedia there are 1.27males/female (15-64 age group) in Saudi. I wonder how considerate they would be about reversing the rule due to shift in ratio.

OP,

It is obvious you are hesitant of this step or you would not be on this forum. If it sounds ok for you to punish a woman and her kids for you to satisfy your need for a soul connection, then you should go ahead with marrying this person.