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divorced Indian women : How are they viewed and treated by other India women in USA

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by vatsala719, Dec 23, 2011.

  1. vatsala719

    vatsala719 Senior IL'ite

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    I am not ashmaed to say that I was married in India and divorced him in US after confirming that he was cheating me with infidality and a child by that extra marital relationship. I was supported both by his and my own friends in this matter. My family was hesitant and afraid of my life in US alone with children. Never a day I lived alone in my life in India before and after marriage, but here I took the bold step to say goodbye to him though I was afraid to live alone with 2 children who were in middle and elementary schools. I had a job with the Government and a great lawyer from work. Past is gone.
    I never felt insulted either in India or in US. But, quite a few of my friends who are divorced have sad and disappointing experiences. One professional friend making a six figure salary told me that she was not allowed to stand in line to do "Nalangu(applying sandlewood paste) and kunkumam to bless the Bride because she was divorced. The bride's mom told her to leave the line and she left the marriage hall altogether. Another friend told me that her friend of several years did not want her in her home when her husband was there. I told her that she is living with insecurity about herself and her husband. You know what kind of life they would be living. The same thing happened when a wife got abused physically, the Indian families stayed away and don't talk to either the husband or the wife. I was once the President of one Such a Group working for abused Indian Women and I have heard lot of such aweful experiences from these women.
    Shame on those Indian women and the families who don't come to the rescue of the abused. I am aware that these things happen in all the cultures-East and West. But we are Indians living abroad scattered from each other amidst people we are not familiar or friendly with us. If we don't reach out and help each other, what are we for-just to boast of our higher education and millionnaire status'. [​IMG]
    Any such experiences and thoughts on this
     
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  2. billybob

    billybob Gold IL'ite

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    Re: divorced Indian women : How are they viewed and treated by other India women in U

    i personally did not witness any of these incidents, but did notice discrimination against widows, I would stay away from such freinds. I would feel uncomfortable to socialize with a freind when her spouse is physically in the house unless I know both of them personally just for privacy issues.
     
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  3. vatsala719

    vatsala719 Senior IL'ite

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    Re: divorced Indian women : How are they viewed and treated by other India women in U

    This is a sensible and practical decision that you make and I appreciate this. I was only writing about the incidents that happened in our Indian community. I wish that can change and people-both men and women living abroad can be more considerate and compassionate toward folks who are unhappy for genuine reasons. They are calling for help! and we cannot ignore them.
    Vatsala
     
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  4. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    Re: divorced Indian women : How are they viewed and treated by other India women in U

    Well, just my fairly recent experience. A friend broke with me after her child birth because I don't have kids on my own. She found me useless against her flourishing American life with a well to-do husband. She found me to be fighter in life and useless. I reached out several times, but until today I am seeking answers what mistake did I do? It is not my mistake for let-downs that life had offered me. All she had to tell me when she broke was she has moved to the next phase of her life and strongly struck a blow that I don't have much to do with mine. It wasn't that alone. She went ahead and made a statement try talking to other women they will simply kick you out. I coped with my divorce much better than someone telling me on my face that I'm just brandishing my sabers in air.

    Until the birth she needed someone to vent out her non existent problems. When she had her kid, she did not think twice to sting me. All these people do is simply uproot a sprouting plant which might flower, bear fruits and make a garden of its own! I have asked this question many a times in this forum. Does God exist? If one such entity exists as we have been fine tuned since ages, I wonder how it is indifferent to the innocents!

    I hate to write in this forum. I don't know how many of them of this genre exist in this forum but I have started believing that people with hardships give a good laugh to the happy ones like above. They do derive sadistic pleasure to see someone crumble inside out and dust off the responsibility.

    I see several women who have healthy marriages write here. I wonder how credible are these people. What is the surity they aren't like the one above who get appeased within that they are more emotionally, physically and financially successful than the one that is really trying to meet both the ends.

    I loved to write. I gave up writing and courtesy goes to the lady in discussion. I loved to network and had faith that not all are bad. She was the final blow!
     
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  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: divorced Indian women : How are they viewed and treated by other India women in U

    OP & RC

    Where there is bad...there is good too.....if we have seen womens life shattered due to a crappy guy....we have seen gem of a guys....havent we??

    just because some crappy friends/neighbours of yours have ditched you or judged you...doesnt mean that everyone is gonna be like that isnt it??

    As far as online virtual community is concerned..I agree with Radiant Cat....most of us dont know each other....for all we know there might be men who are posting as women..or women posting as men!!! I also know some cases where there are posters who go on and on about how sad they are to see a women being abused or divorced/separated and infact the poster is actually a man (who he himself is an abuser) (YES I know couple of cases from IL forums itself...where the guys were tracking down n responding to their wifes posts...)

    I personally will say..DO NOT BELEIVE in everything you read or hear or see.....because there may be something more than what you really are looking at.

    As far as your friends/neighbours are concerned, do you really call them as friends???I wont....may be you were a friend to them so you let her vent out good n bad...but the other person was just using you....and showing off their highness type of attitude...so do we feel sad for it??? for them or for you??? for them!!!!

    Indian community has just started seeing this sudden outburst of divorces in our community/culture...so pls give people some time to adjust and understand that divorcees/widows/widowers are not someone who has to be looked down or scared off....just give time to such people and be strong and be confident and worry about your life.....whether someone accepts you or appreciates you or not is upto them..you cant force them to do so right??

    Dont waste your time n energy on such stuff.
     
  6. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    Re: divorced Indian women : How are they viewed and treated by other India women in U

    Aaah I expected you to respond Srividhya. I am sorry for being blunt. I am confident you really don't know what it is to be rejected by someone. When someone tells you that they care less for you and you are just a cliff hanger somewhere, it is repulsive.

    Unless you experience that you will not know what it is and if you undergo that I'd suggest you return to this thread then and write your 2 cents. I swear your approach will be much different.

    There are few ladies in this forum who know me outside IL. The lady in discussion, yet another 2 women know my family too.

    The worst thing in life is rejection. Even a plant if you water it, give it some sunshine, change the soil, and give its manuer, it will not grow. We are human beings and we must be very careful by what we say. I sent out several mails to her later, wished her on her birthday. Even if I had reacted in a certain way it would have been because of her stinging words and nothing beyond. Am I that miserable that someone must run away from me because I don't have kids, that too a son, a GC or Citizenship, a husband that is beyond a Prorgram Manager. I don't know.

    I recall this dialog from Anniyan. Where the hero says he is sincere honest but why doesnt the lady love him. The lady says he's like a rule book, boring. Yes, I belong to this group. I am sincere, honest, I will not let down people, but I don't know to talk for the heck of it.

    I would sincerely appreciate all married women of the above group to leave others alone who are not of your league.
     
  7. premabarani

    premabarani Gold IL'ite

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    Re: divorced Indian women : How are they viewed and treated by other India women in U

    Dear Vatsala & Rc
    I agree with you that you had a bad experiance, but it is not the end. Come out of it, Forget those idiots & stsrt a fresh life.There are so many worthy issues to bother-about.
    Start afresh with your hobbies, write-ups, etc.Forget anyone's bad comment as notworthy & Go ahead with your ambition & goal in your life. Nobody can stop you.
    Take is as a challenge & a new chance given by God to prove yourself.
    Maybe you'll find best for you in life now.
    Have a nice day.
    Our prayers & best wishes with you.
    Prema Barani
     
  8. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    Re: divorced Indian women : How are they viewed and treated by other India women in U

    PB, you are absolutely wrong. They are not fools. They are very smart, they have their goals fixed and work towards the goals and in the process it doesn't matter who gets trampled but they meet their goals. In addition, I never sought any advice from anyone. I just shared my experience. Thanks.
     
  9. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: divorced Indian women : How are they viewed and treated by other India women in U


    I really hate to say this...but I dont like people who keep using these words " You dont know how it is to get divorced or how it is to get rejected or how it is to be treated bad etc..etcc..and that you have to experience it personally and then talk or suggest etc...etcc "

    really???? if a person can understand others pain.....wihtout enduring the exact type of pain....is it that persons mistake that they can actually understand the other person or can empathize with them?? There are several women on this forum (including me) who had sleepless nights when we read/post in some of the threads...I remember several threads where everyday we used to check on those posters to ensure they are safe n doing well....I dont have to go through something personally to understand how it is and what it is...pain is pain..and we all know the after effects of pain.

    just because someone has not given birth to a child doesnt mean that they dont understand the motherly affection is it???

    Anyways coming to your thought of rejection/pain....I may not have gone through the exact situation what you or OP have undergone but I had my share of friends/relatives who did this ignoring thing with me for several years together.....Initially it was sad...didnt understand why and what i may have done..but after couple of years it didnt matter/bother me anymore....eventually all of us have much bigger things to worrya bout than these crappy people who put us through pain right??? thats how we grow up....its part of life....we learn on our way...I have seen much younger relatives of mine who are more matured in thinking and actions than me...and I always wondered how do they get that ??? Its on us...we have to know what our priorities are and whom are we giving importance....if someone suddenly falls out of loop and doesnt want to talk to us anymore...well and good...let it be...and if they start talking crap thats when you say..enough..its better if we dont talk rather than talking crap.

    Even this particular post of yours.....you wait for couple of years...come back to this forum and read your post and am sure you will have a hearty laugh....because your view will change over years...these are all silly stuff in life....or this is one way of we learning who are our true friends and how can we recognize them etc.

    by the way...some how it seemed as if you didnt like me posting here...(kind of sensed some sarcasm....)anyways...I hope you find a better way to deal with your upset feelings.
     
  10. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: divorced Indian women : How are they viewed and treated by other India women in U

    Why are you letting them trample you??? why not stand up for yourself? why keep wondering and pushing and asking for these peoples approval/friendship or company? you know these people are smart and are using you......isnt it for our own good if we step aside and let them carry on and not have such mean people in our life?..what is hte point of wanting these people in our life and still expect they not hurting you.....(their nature is not similar to yours...so how can the friendly match up happen here?)
     
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