Divorce Or Not?

OP- What ever happened is already happened, you can’t change the past but you have power to change the future.
I filed divorce in the USA. I didn’t have kids with my ex so it was a lot simpler than your situation but I have seen one of my colleagues going through the divorce and had a 3 year old son. He and his wife share custody.
You need to make up your mind that you deserve a better life. A life where you wake up with a smile everyday and know that you don’t have to fear anyone or deal with tantrums. Even if you get shared custody your child will be with you. Make peace with the fact that if your spouse is a great father (as you said), he deserves to be a part of his child’s life.
You need to talk to a family attorney and go over the options. First meeting/ consultation is free. You can use that opportunity to figure out how messy the process will be. Meet with several attorneys to see who you feel most comfortable with. When I filed for divorce, I met three attorneys in my city and then filed through the firm I felt comfortable with. Most divorce attorneys charge by hour. They can help with payment plan if needed. I was a graduate student/ starting postdoc and didn’t have a lot of money. I paid in monthly installments.
Every abuser uses the same tactics. My ex would say all nasty things and then next day will apologize profusely and will be good for a few days until something else triggered his anger. It is not worth living in this fear all the time.

Regarding moving to a new city, no need to move right away. Tell your friends if you feel comfortable with it about your potential divorce and ask them to help you find a job elsewhere. In the meantime if you worry about your safety, get restraining orders against him.
Divorce is scary but in some situations it is the best decision. I for instance never regretted getting a divorce.

 

A husband that has denied his wife basic intimacy cannot afford to falter on any other aspect in the marriage . You are trying to look at the positives and work through accepting him while he has not kept any of his promises. It is a given that you feel cheated.
You have the decide if you want to continue in this marriage. If you do , then keep your expectations from this man very low. Seek happiness in other aspects of life and within yourself.

 

OP, You have gone back to his life after temporary separation because of the promises he has given that time. Now he has broken all his promises.

Now ball is in your court. You have to decide what you want- to continue as his wife or not.

Yes, your feelings are genuine. He deceived you again. Past is done. Think about future.

If he wants a roommate, the conditions should be different, right? You dont have to tolerate any of his tantrums like his wife or do service for him. Anyway he is not treating you like a wife or keeping any promises. Set new rules and keep expectations zero, if you want to live in the same house as mother of kids.

If you think you are not ready for divorce, but you cannot consider him as husband and if you like to continue in the same house for kids....my random thoughts...be practical.

Then tell him in a composed way once your PIls leave, that you are no longer his wife . Also you can't consider him as his husband as he has broken all his promises . You will continue there as mom of kids and now onwards you both will live there as the parents of kids and be like a family. In that situation, he has to respect you like a roommate. No tantrums or bad treatment like he did before. But you can keep doing what you do at home and communicate about your kids etc. Whenever, he start mis behaving, you should remind him that you are not his wife to treat like a doormat, you are here for kids. Live your life happily treating him like a housemate. May be once you accept that you get some peace of mind and also will be able protect emotionalky from his abuse.

See, he didn't loose anything, he got a family, a wife to control or blame or show his anger at or treat like ****. He dont love or respect you as evident from his actions. Take that power of him as your husband away from him . You need to do that to protect you.

Its tough to live like this and be happy. You need to change your focus to something else. Living your life to fullest is the best revenge. Gain full control of your life into your hands.

But what message your kids get from their parents. Think in long term. Once your kids are out with their life, what will be your situation. Its better to empower you now itself , I think.

If you want to separate then try to understand the procedure, plan smartly for an exit. It's your choice, your life. Every one deserves happiness and peace of mind.

 

I like this analysis logical conclusion and sincere solution.
Thanks and Regards.
God’s goal is to minimise and or eliminate Karma in a time bound scale.

 

He is a con man.
Conned you into marriage,into having kids ,into staying back in marriage.
Now this.
He got his cake and the bakery too...and gets to rub the bakers face in it.

Op...unless you want to live with this conman for life,leave fast ....don't waste your life with him.

If you plan to leave him....

Keep your phone closeby in case he threatens to chop your throat again.

 

never go for open marriage, many people feel it is just disgusting on all levels...either divorce ur hubby or continue in this marriage depending on how much u can cope

 

@snehalJoshi
I am never married and no kids. So I cannot put myself in your shoes and speak. But here is what I think in very generic terms -

1. Will you ever be able to come to peace with the fact that your husband has issues and what their repercussions are on you/your life.

2. Your "needs" will never really go away. Whether you act on it (and how) is altogether a different matter, everytime you see your husband you are going to get frustrated with him and your life. What is your gameplan for this?

3. I understand you feel cheated. And @yellowmango is calling him a conman as well. But think about it this way - your husband is not/will not provide intimacy. So you said ok, in return I want these three things. Even if he had performed on these three counts, would your basic needs disappear? This is more like, I am suffering and I will cause you more suffering kinda situation.
It is very easy for him not to keep his end of the bargain (what will you do/ can do?) and he ended up doing that only.

4. I understand he is a great father and a provider. Do you realise he is also setting an example for your children - what to expect from a husband/ how to be a husband. And your simmering anger and frustration - your children are not blind to it. What kind of an expectation do you think your kids will have out of their own marriages.

5. I understand you do not want to take away a father figure from your children and neither do you want to remarry. But there is a third option - separate and co-parent. Even removing yourself from the same household and not seeing your husband everyday will be good for your mental health. Whether you want to marry again or not is altogether a different topic.
Apologies if you think this is a very simplistic situation that will not work. I just think you should get away from a relationship/situation that's causing you so much misery to think alright.

 

i agree with the above poster..in life, one has to take risks to achieve good things..people who take risks achieve good things

 

This.
If he is a good father,he will continue to be one after seperation .
Divorce does not have to be bitter.
You both can live close by without bitterness.
You both can have joint college fund for kids.
You can ask for a divorce without his drama because he has more to hide from kids than you do. Use that to get an amicable seperation .

Kids won't stay kids for long ...
What after that ?

Why are you so negative about giving yourself another chance in life?
What if you fall in love with someone or like someone but you are still married to this con ? You are too conservative to get into a relationship while being married and if you divorce him for someone else,he will blame everything on you . (After the threat to slit your throat ...even if not serious,please believe that this ' good dad' is a horrible person inside)

Even if you don't want marriage again,you can be in a relationship with a loving caring person . You already have kids...you are free to do what you want.

If you stay in this limbo forever, you only have yourself to blame because he has given you enough reasons to seek seperation.

You are independent, live in a first world country, don't have to fear society ...
You will have no one else to blame for your wasted life ,bitterness and probably ulcers.

Op....take your time but rethink your life.