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Divorce Or Not?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by snehalJoshi, Apr 8, 2019.

  1. snehalJoshi

    snehalJoshi Bronze IL'ite

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    I am here after a long time with a huge dilemma.
    You may know, me and my DH have a troubled relationship.
    Some issues to highlight:
    1. Impotency + zero physical attraction from DH side. Literally, zero touch relationship.
    2. He is workoholic. Works(office work) approximately 13 hours a day on an average.
    3. Communication problem. He hates to share anything with anyone.
    4. He loves to blame me for everything

    Good things about him :
    1. Great father
    2. Well settled , a great provider for the family
    3. Hard working
    4. Huge help at house with daily chores

    I made a deal with him few years back. I had moved out of his house and we were separated (not divorced). His mother played a big role during that time which led to our temporary separation.
    He despearetly wanted me to come back and we made a deal. He will do following three things and after I come back into his life
    1. He will work seriously (get help from outside and get it resolved) on his impotency/no attraction issues
    2. He will take less office burden and won't work tooo many hours for his office
    3. He will keep his mother away from me

    He clearly did not fulfil the first two conditions. I was still living with him trying to focus on the positives he has.
    Now, his parents are going to visit us after many years. I haven't spoken to my MIL after that separation incident.
    His parents want to see grandkids.

    I feel cheated. I reminded him of his promises and he said "all these years she (MIL) was away from you. Now, I won't let it continue. You're cruel."
    I understand, although i don't like my in-laws, keeping grandkids away from their grand-parents is not good. I feel little guilty for that.
    However, I want him to suffer somewhere. He gave me a life of celibacy and I want him to give-up something. If not, then I feel I have lost totally.
    I understand this whole deal thing is not healthy for a relationship but I am trying to make a bad relationship work for the sake of my kids.

    If my in-laws don't visit us because of me then he won't behave nicely with my side of the family wither. Not that he is too good with them but he maintains a distance from them . If my parents visit us he does not talk to them unless extremely needed.

    Anyway, I am so inclined towards divorce this time. I don't know if it is because I feel cheated, if it is because I am done with all the blamings and bad moods and tantrums he throws on me everyday, or because i love my parents and if i close door for his parents now it will affect my parents entry into our lives.

    I don't know how to resolve this issue.

  2. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

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    Snehal, firstly I must tell you that the thread you started on il 2-3 years ago changed my life. I had a name to put on my husbands(now ex) behavior , that was asexuality. I also connected with other people in similar situation and gained perspective .Eventually I decided to end that marriage and now I am divorced since some time.

    Deciding to leave that marriage has been the hardest thing I have done. So many unknowns , how will I manage emotionally, how will I manage everyone else reaction etc etc and so many other fears . but what kept me going was this thought that if I end this marriage , there is some chance in the future however bleak that I will find the kind of love I want to experience. if I decide to stay that probability is virtually zero. That sealed it for me. I dint want to be on my deathbed with real regrets .

    I took my chance and on most days I dont have any second thoughts . But I must stress that it is an emotional rollercoaster and there going to be real lows at times. Plus you also have to factor in not only your emotions but also your kids emotions . Unfortunately there is no win-win situation here. Whether you decide to leave or you decide to stay both cases you are going be emotionally gutted and there is going to be a lot of turmoil .

    Based on your previous threads , its pretty clear you are deeply unhappy in your marriage and most of it stems from your husbands asexuality/whatever problem he has. and he clearly isn't bothered to address this. You have to come to a decision. Either stay and try to make your peace with how it is or make up your mind and decide to end it. Dont sit on the fence anymore. Better to rip the bandage off and deal with whatever happens.
    suasin and SinghManisha like this.
  3. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    This is excellent self-understanding!:thumbsup: It's great that you can see why you're acting the way you do.

    In general, it's a good idea to say "I want that" and go after something (maybe divorce, in your case). It is unproductive to say "they ought not to have this" and work to thwart something. No matter how desirable or justifiable, this goal often lies outside your locus of control. It is a recipe for frustration. As you consider your options, reflect on that a bit.
    senorita2019 and SinghManisha like this.
  4. Emarald

    Emarald Silver IL'ite

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    How old are your kids? If they are big enough that you can handle being signal mom go ahead with divorce. He won't change. Move on
    senorita2019 and SinghManisha like this.
  5. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Silver IL'ite

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    I feel sorry for your situation. I was in 14 year marriage myself and very unhappy overall with a husband who never talked or showed any kind of love or care and inlaws who always criticized and undermined me.

    I took the huge step of filing divorce and today I feel very relieved and happy and HOPEFUL. If you are able to sustain yourself and your kids in USA/any foreign country I would say you are very lucky. If you are in India then its a very different ball game with the entire society making it difficult for you. Not sure where you are.

    I dont think I would have had the courage to file divorce in India. But hey, women do that so its not undoable. Right now I have my first circle, few close friends, my kid and my job. Feel very peaceful and happy and pursue my passions. Even if I am single forever, I will be peaceful without the constant frustration, agony and mental torture that came with my marriage.

    You have to be strong, learn to be super independent and never lose your spirit. focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. Looks like you have sacrificed a lot and your husband has to step up. He can take the kids to his parents for vacation instead of bringing them here. Celibate life is very painful and you dont deserve it at all. Feelings of love, romance, affection, care are priceless and everyone deserves it. withholding it is cruel.

    I just read your old post and you keep saying you are there for DD, you and your DH can have equal time with her and shower your love. Living in same house and showing love is not the only way imho.
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2019
    Sinant and cheenu123 like this.
  6. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Gold IL'ite

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    I read up a lot about experiences similar to yours when my friend confided to me about her married life. The conclusion I reached is that men with issues rarely address the problem and make efforts to fix it. I am not sure if things are not treatable medically or it is the male ego that prevents it. Also the notion that women ( specially Indian) can do without intimacy makes it seem like it is not a big deal.
    The only fix in such situations has to come from the women, quit the marriage or accept a life without intimacy. Both are not easy unfortunately.
  7. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    You have suffered a lot in this marriage. Its hard to live like this. But if you are ready the decision will come to you and you will not look back. Ask yourself that question. You get an answer. Both of you can take care of your kids well. Hope you are independent and can support yourself well. In India many don't consider intimacy as a need to continue in a marriage.So its hard to convince others. But its your life. You deserve better life.

    If visit of PILS is the reason for this decision, you can leave kids there and be away or ask your dh to take kids to PILS. If not, be positive, think well about all aspects, be practical and take a decision with conviction & dont look back. Wishing you peace of mind and happiness. Good luck
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Deals or agreements are useful when there are periodic checks and enforceable consequences that both agreed upon and put in writing.

    Divorce for him failing on thing #1 or #2 would make some sense. Divorce happening or even talk of divorce because thing #3 becomes the last straw would be giving your MIL too much power. Power that she will love to have after her long absence from your life.

    Reading between the lines, you are not anywhere near ready for divorce or "fed up" enough to start that process.

    If you can pull it off, this would be the best thing to do:
    He is a good father, provider and help around the house. Utilize him for those and make him a persona non grata otherwise. Minimize the joy or sadness he directly brings into your life. Figure out how to bring about some calm, peace and a little pleasantness in your life. Go about achieving that. It will be difficult given his way of blaming you for everything. But, try it. Simplify your life. For example, don't think about how he will behave with your parents.

    How will this help? You will be a little calmer, a little less unhappy, and it will bug him to see you like that. Your desire of "I want him to give-up something" will be realized though not as you thought. He will have to totally or partially give up his punching bag (you) if his actions and words have less impact on you.

    The best revenge is a life well lived. Sometimes you have to live that life with whom you want to show that you are living well and happily enough.
  9. Amulet

    Amulet Finest Post Winner

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    You are actually succeeding in the "I want him to suffer" proviso, by just continuing to live with him, and pointing out his failings. If a man has to be up and be attracted to someone who keeps on "are we there yet?", he is suffering for sure.

    IMO, you must stay together in marriage, for the benefits you list (good provider, good daddy, and helps in chores of the home..etc.). When such benefits are listed, it is always by a stay-at-home-mom. She cannot afford a life on her own; and this factor plays heavily in her decision to put up versus get out. However, like the thread title wants, if you seriously want to get out, figure out if you can afford it with the worst case scenario settlements on post-divorce financial support from your ex-husband. A divorced friend, a free-consult service of a lawyer, or someone at the local Women's shelter who is going through this could help give you counsel.

    Good luck.
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2019
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  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I know it is a very hard situation to be in.

    To live in a marriage, it is utmost important to have physical intimacy, specially when you are young. That is why marriage is special from any other close bonding.
    Having zero physical interaction, including hugs, touch, kisses and intimate bonding could stress anyone to the core. I can very well understand your problem here.

    There is no life on earth that lacks problems. It throws various problems at different people at different times.
    Some have trouble in getting married, some are childless, some are jobless, some have EMA problems, and for others in laws problems or abusive marriages.
    Many suffer with health issues, divorce, widowhood, depression, lonliness.....
    And some struggle with special needs children.
    There are parents, who witness their children's battle with deadly illness..
    And there are wars, natural disasters - which take away everything in a split of a second...
    Yet, people live.. fight with destiny and find peace with that eventually.... That is life!!!

    For some, marriage life is heaven... but problems with regard to their kids or health and other issues
    For others, everything in life is perfect, except for their love life
    No one has everything, and no one has nothing either... This is how the world works...

    Coming to your case, you have got a decent husband, who is an excellent dad, great partner and a fantastic provider which many women yearn for.
    But you lack your love life. You yearn for it, and your husband is not in a position to satisfy you. This is the check life has given for you to deal with.

    You have 2 choices here-
    1) Leave your husband, and find love somewhere else..... Marry someone of your choice, but makesure he is "perfect" before tying the knot the next time around.
    Unfortunately, it is not easy the second time around - given the fact that you also have to think multiple times about your kids and their relationship with their step dad; hence you might not give utmost priority to the other factors like "looks, attraction, intimacy etc..etc... as you age or the time ticks in...
    And, there is no gurantee about the second one to be a dotting father to the kids like their biological dad... And it is not easy to witness the kids go through a seperation from their dad, if in case the child custody falls on you. You gotta handle many than intimacy issue.
    And, in any case if you fail to find love for the second time around (that is also possible... it is a gambling anyway), you would just become a loser.... Yes, you would lose a great provider, good partner and a nice dad to your kids altogether.
    But, there are posibilities, for you to find your soul mate and him become the best step dad ever.
    You may try your luck

    2) Accept this life, and try to amend things to find a middle ground.
    Let me share a similar case about my colleague here...

    In her case, it was her who became asexual or I dont know the real term in her case... But she was the one who could not involve in IC. It was after an accident, and a surgery followed by that. It happened on their 4th year of the marrige, and the couple did not have any kids by then.
    She did not understand the pain her H was going through for 1 full year about zero intimacy. Because she did not have any such feelings.
    But after a point, they both had heart to heart discussions, and at a point my friend was ready to divorce her H to let him life a meaningful life with someone. But the guy denied, citing her wife was everything to him except this issue and he decided to continue this life no matter what.
    After a point, I learnt from my friend that he is finding ways to satisfy himself and she is helping him in some other ways though not through IC. I dont know the exact details about their private life.
    But the couple is happily married ever after......

    You also can find ample ways to satisfy yourself sexually.
    You can ask your H to corporate and give you sexual satisfaction if not by the conventional IC
    Sex takes a back seat as time passes by.... and you too would learn a better way to deal with it.

    Think about it, and act upon it....
    But don't bring his mother's issue here and complicate your life further.
    Him being asexual or having impotency is not his fault.... And I don't think such issues get completly cured or revised with medical interventions either.
    So, deal with it instead of blaming him or playing with his male ego. It only aggravate the problem

    3) Open marriages....
    I know some women who are into this with or without the knowledge of their husbands. They don't emotionally involve with their sexual partners, and don't rely on one particular partner for sex.
    It just happen, and it is risky, and it is complicated too. But some women find no other way than this to find peace with what life has offered them.
    They still like and love their Hs, life with them peacefully, share a great life together and their kids are happy. But they get their sexual life satisfied through other men outside.... and it is temporary, and with time, they would go back to their normal life as they age or as their kids grow older.... I dont know. But I know such cases too

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