Divorce imminent

Tridev,
i actually want u to open the thread i have opened and go:idea through it...

 

Dear Tridev,
My personal experience and your wife's case make me assess these persons like these. They are insecure to the core of their heart... for what that we can guess, but best can be judged only by a professional psychologist. It is personality crisis, may be some past event in their loves are responsible or in their recent past something must have triggered them. Sometimes, they will plan to such an intricate detail that it will be hard to believe for anyone that they are lying in and out.

I can see you are very much concerned for your DD and DS (specially DS, as he is the most who is going to be affected in case there is a separation). By all possible means, for a normal life she needs treatment. Take from me, these kinds of treatments are very much time consuming. It takes years of medication, counselling and if required therapy. (It was told by my doc in my case), which is only possible if she is willfully giving in to the doc's advice. Even, in the course of treatment, she can improve and degrade.

Please decide, first of all whether, she can be convinced to take up this journey of treatment and then whether u are ready to take up this. Very difficult and sad situation, I would say, Dear.

Best wishes

 

Yes, Dear Tridev, after a while things reach a blind end here also quite sometime, I have seen. After all it's your life, your outlook and preferences, which are most important. The friends here can at best guide you, but can not take you where you want to be. (i told this earlier also)...

I can understand, that the situation at your end is getting no where and making you depressed. But no point getting depressed either.

I just tried to analyze her behaviour and wanted to know what you might prefer to do. Having known that it is difficult at the moment to break the ice and also that you have advanced with your decision and action for mutual divorce (am I right? Are the papers submitted to the court? U are probably then in that initial 6 months waiting-time before the first hearing in the court)...

NO HOPE at the moment.

I would then say that, please stop analysing her or trying to understand her any more. U had enough of that. Give it a break now. Proceed with the divorce. In case, after things are settled, one fine day her mind changes for good, things may change again. But now, as u say, divorce is imminent. Get along with it...

 

Dont trouble , trouble until trouble, troubles you!! Have you heard about it?? first before going to India, all you wanted was an amicable divorce. When she said yes, again you started talking about how can she say yes so calmly, no talks, no patch ups etc...etc...then you were talking about your son and his future etc...and how she didnt ask for money etc...See whatever your thoughts and doubts...you manifested them one by one..now she is asking for all that...That you WANTED HER TO ASK.

If you had just calmly proceed with divorce and took your steps and followed your decision, she too would have stuck to her approach..

So might be time for you to think about why are you pushing her to do what she is doing...i.e making this whole divorce more complicated? Why cant you just stick to your plan and move on with it and deal with your son than dealing with what your wife is doing/saying or telling?

The moment she had said divorce, you should have mind your own business and move on with your life or stay away from all these messy talks/thoughts and daily taking one step forward and falling back 10 steps. (which should happen before the decision, but decision is made...after the word divorce is decided..there is no looking back..because you both have dragged each other to that limit)

Also the moment you start talking about separation with everyone, your side would talk ill about her, and her side would dtalk ill about you...PERIOD.. thats how things go...whether they are right/wrong doesnt matter...because thats how human nature is...so dont just say ohhh they all agree with me...they all felt the same etc..etc..YEs they would feel the same as you..because they are on YOUR SIDE.
Its very rare to see where a couple separate amicably and dont talk ill about each other infront of others...they are called matured couple. They know they couldnt co exist so they are separating but for the sanity of their own minds and their kids future, they stop talking ill about their EXes and also wont let others talk ill about Exes..because EX means its past...its a closed chapter..so no point in talking bad about something that they are not going tobe associated with anymore...

Now that you have decided to separate, you dont have to make anyone understand that she needs help. Even herself. let her live her life and you live yours...as you both wanted. Might be this separation would make you both lead normal life as you both have pushed each other to an extent where all you can talk and see is negativity in each others presence.Also please STOP dragging her family. You married her, and she doesnt want you. So her family has nothing to do with you. She is a grownup and she knows what she is doing. She is educated and independant. Might be her parents and her are also thinking that only if your mom would have understood thatyour approach is wrong, only if your mom had told you that you have equal responsibility towards your wife and kid as towards your mom and adopted daughter, only if your mom had told you to first concentrate on your wife and your son, and try to resolve the complaints your wife has on your adopted daughter. So there are so many things that your wife and her parents can think and might be tomorrow your son might also think the same...

So dont involve too many people in your life and decision making. Her life is hers and let her live on her terms and conditions. If she is MENTALLY INSANE prove it in the court and get custody of your kid. Apart from that you shouldnt be talking about what her family members or she is supposed to do about her mental health.

Tridev

You should go into depression only if you didnt see this coming...But you did..you knew all this was going to lead to sepration..didnt you?? so why getting depressed?

Ask yourself few questions..

Was the divorce decision made to give her a jolt so that she would know how serious you are?

Were you serious about divorce? and have you ever thought what if she said YES? because seems like all this while you thought she would say NO. now that she said YES you seem to have a great discomfort to accept the fact that SHE SAID YES TO SEPARATION?

Was this divorce word supposed to be a threat or false alarm?

Did you have a plan in mind on what to do if you both agreed on separation? If not please start making plans..because you seem to be overwhelmed by the thought that she would let you off the hook so easily ...but the moment she did..you are going around with so many unresolved questions and thoughts...which shows you were not well prepared for divorce in first place.

Last but not least..If you think she is filling your kids brain with unnecessary crap, then no need to worry, you can show with your actions that you care for your kid and slowly the kid would know that mom just talks bad about dad, but dad is not bad. If you are committed to your sons welfare and want to be involveed in his life, everyone including your son would see it, provided you show with actions. At his age, your son is with his mom, you visit once ina while, that says mom cares more, might be if you are with your son for equal amount of days as he is with his mom, if you take him out, make time for your son (instead of silently sitting at home and crying for your son), your son would know and feel your love. So ACT on your plans and STOP analyzng and thinking. Because you had analyzed and thought enough so far...now time for action.

 

A therapist or even a general doctor will not give out details of the treatment of his/ her patient to anyone walking through the door.
How can a therapist sit and discuss a patients confidential talks and pour out details even to a soon to be ex-husband ?
Asking for emails to be forwarded to her and all seems shady. No self respecting DR will do all this or take so much interest needlessly.

 

Excately my thoughts...

 

I find it interesting to see that both Tridev and his wife are still trying to prove a point that they are right - his finding out details from her therapist and she trying to make him see a point that she cannot live with DD/MIL. I see that both of them are finding that divorce is as bleak a prospect as status quo.