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Divorce after 8 years - how does that happen

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by psych, Dec 8, 2011.

  1. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    One of my husbands co-worker got divorced after 8 years of marriage. They didnt have kids.

    he used to come to our house frequently and would always be coming alone. I used to ask DH , how come he gets that much freedom to go alone about 3-4 times a week? He would eat dinner at our place too. I didnt mind it but thought it odd that a married man would spend so much time roaming around on his own.

    recently dh told me he was splitting. He was having an affair with another girl for the past 2 years. his wife saw condoms in his car and thats how he was caught. apparantly he had been hiding his salary from his wife too.

    his reason was his wife never asked him how his day went. when he came home his wife would ask what he wanted to eat for dinner. I thought it was a flimsy excuse for a divroce. They did go on yearly vacations. They didnt have kids though. I guess she wanted and he was scared of having kids (having kids they wouldnt be able to travel a lot more)

    But i still think the excuse was very very flimsy. Now I am hearing that hes having trouble with his GF as shes asking abt marriage (now that hes getting divorced) and he doesnt want to.

    In the end - I think he will realze that his wife and GF were the same - and none of them were the problem - The problem lied with him not able to understand marriage

    but after 8 years ??? leaving because he was bored?? I do not understand!
     
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  2. Saumyamom

    Saumyamom Silver IL'ite

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    I read somewhere that people with weak PFC(Prefrontal Cortex) have trouble understanding and acting according to right and wrong and land into trouble because they do just anything on an impulse whatever comes to their mind.
     
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  3. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    yea true. dont ppl realize even with a new partner you still have to work on the relationship? 8 yrs down we all get bored with our spouses. but not neccessarily leave them
     
  4. hemalathaK

    hemalathaK Platinum IL'ite

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    You never knew their reason for not having kids . Because it has been 8 long years, there are chances for infertility issues right?

    If not so and the man only denied having kids, scaring about the freedom or some other thoughts, then he may be having this PFC issues .

    He has his girl friend already and going ton divorce his first wife and still not ready for the marriage?
    I guess he hates responsibilities and the only thing he wants in his life is FUN.

    He is very clear about what he wants.
     
  5. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    hemlatha - that seems to be the case. he just wants to have fun. he came across as immature. i dont think he wanted kids because he felt kids would cramp his lifestyle. he would site our example - that we hardly have time to be by ourselves. expense increases and we have to put our kid first - but we used to tell him - all that is true but we cant imagine a life without our son.

    sleazy character.
     
  6. IndianFunTube

    IndianFunTube New IL'ite

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    [JUSTIFY]There can be absolutely no excuse for cheating in a marriage. There is boredom and loneliness at various stages in a marriage. This man most likely isn't cut out for marriage. He'd rather have an adrenalin rush and some excitement in his life than take up the responsibility of a marriage. As for his girlfriend, does she really want to marry a man who was brazen enough to cheat on his wife with her? I hope she realizes that Karma is a much bigger bitch than her! Not much to analyse here. What I found analysis worthy was the fact that this fellow used to visit your husband so frequently. Rings some bells? I'd personally never entertain such a character.[/JUSTIFY]
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2011
  7. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    true. he used to be good friend of dh. actually dh used to pick sides with him when i used to question why this man is roaming around at 10 at night w/o his wife - even though its just our house. i had told dh that his friend may be having an affair but as usual dh didnt listen to me. it was as much a shock to him. now he cant stand him. hes also complained abt his slacking behaviour at work to his boss. DH is quite stupid when it comes to figuring out ppl. tends to go on facevalues

    DH got a good dose - he considered that man to be his friend. but he never told dh he was having an EMA and that his wife caught him. he told dh that his wife wanted to split. All this info was given to him by his friends FIL who also works in the same company
     
  8. beerbal

    beerbal Silver IL'ite

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    Psych:

    This kind of stigma and nosy interest into the reasons behind a divorce is not healthy. Even my wife is like this. She is very judgmental and wants me to cut off being friendly with such people more so if it's a female friend of mine.

    Here are some things I heard from friends who went through divorce after long marriages.

    1. Huge mismatch in libidos. This is cited more by men than women especially after having kids of about 10 to 15 years of age. The women by then seem to relegate xxx as a complete chore ...

    2. Monotony, predictability and feeling unappreciated.

    3. A spouse being financially irresponsible or has become a liability. Cited more by women.

    In about half the cases I know there was some kind of an EMA or potential EMA at the time of divorce.

    Also, it's normal for once divorced to be very careful committing to marry again. I recall one of my friends saying once is enough and another lady saying "I already have kids and thus a family, why should I marry again?". Another male friend did not want to remarry because he had kids from his (only) marriage and his (ex) wife was single after divorce and he loved his kids. He wanted to remain single wanting to leave the door open for reconciliation. He never referred to his ex-wife as ex-wife. He still refers to her by her name and seems uncomfortable to refer to her as 'ex'. I had a feeling that he thought his ex would be devastated if he remarried.

    My opinion is that as friends we should not be judgmental. If they are good friends otherwise, drop the interest in looking into their closets.

    P.S. The view by the FIL is hardly reliable. Couples have a lot of things that are unknown to others, as you should know.
     
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  9. beerbal

    beerbal Silver IL'ite

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    And the strong PFC people are extremely judgmental/prejudiced? Just kidding.

    It's silly to blame specific brain parts for people's inadequacies. People are responsible for their actions unless they are clinically/legally insane.
     
  10. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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