Divorce After 18 Years ...

HappyJoy · Sep 17, 2016

Hi , I am in the process of divorcing after 18 yrs of marriage. I am working and financially stable have two girls. Hubby helped a lot raising the kids, educating me, supporting for job and educating kids. But he always says I dont care for kids and we had always fights. I feel disrespected and hurt physically and emotionallly for very long time. Now I am financially strong and walking out of marriage. He accuses me as selfish and ditching the marriage after using him for long period. I am not sure I am doing correct or not.

I am not sure how my future and not sure if I can get any good partner for marriage? Do you think me will see our past a lot? Are they try to take advantage of my past and see my as source of income? I am totally confused. Appreciate your help and input

madras2018 · Sep 17, 2016

HappyJoy said: ↑

Hi , I am in the process of divorcing after 18 yrs of marriage. I am working and financially stable have two girls. Hubby helped a lot raising the kids, educating me, supporting for job and educating kids. But he always says I dont care for kids and we had always fights. I feel disrespected and hurt physically and emotionallly for very long time. Now I am financially strong and walking out of marriage. He accuses me as selfish and ditching the marriage after using him for long period. I am not sure I am doing correct or not

I am not sure how my future and not sure if I can get any good partner for marriage? Do you think me will see our past a lot? Are they try to take advantage of my past and see my as source of income? I am totally confused. Appreciate your help and input
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All is fair in love and war, so it doesn't matter who used whom. What matters is you don't feel like being married to him anymore and that's as good a reason as any to get a divorce.

There's a saying that it takes people half the length of the relationship to get over it. So by that account, would you need 9 years ? Whatever it is, given how confused you are at the moment, I'm guessing you should focus more on yourself for now. The end of a long term marriage and change in your family dynamics, is a significant life event/milestone. Failure to take some "me" time to reflect & introspect may lead to familiar mistakes or can create new messes that you may be unprepared to deal with.

Can you find a decent guy who will be accepting of your kids & 18 yr marriage ? The best way to find out is to actually try & date. Everything else is speculation. Only you know what you have to offer (looks, personality, health, relationship skills) to get what you want. But don't approach a relationship with anxiety about being alone and desperation to enter coupledom. That's sure to drive people away or land you in the wrong place.

Realistically speaking, it gets harder for women to find a suitable someone as they get older. Harder still when there are kids, ex-wives, ex-husbands, child support and alimony involved on one or both sides. Be practical, don't be surprised if it takes a while to find the right person.

Don't worry too much though. Believe that you will find the relationship you are meant to have eventually. So many women have done it and are doing it. Focus on the present, try to resolve the divorce peacefully, help your kids adjust to the change, work on yourself so that you will be fully prepared to take on the future.

Good luck!!

HappyJoy · Sep 17, 2016

Thank you for the quick reply. I am lucky that age is my side. I am only 38 and my older one will be heading to college soon and younger one is still in elementary school. I dont know how the kids will look at me when they grow up. He is an excellent father but he treated me very badly during our marriage. He says I always neglected kids and we used to have long showdowns (not taking to each other and sleeping in separate bed rooms for 4-6 months). He is very short tempered and hurt me several times. We have even social services called. He says I dont have work-lfe balance. He educated me after marriage,supported my job and took care of kids (he works from home). But I was looking for some love and affection and he always focus on kids. He is very rough with the kids also.

Finally I took bold step to step out. Kids are staying with most of the time while I am staying with room mates. He is keep asking me to come back and I can see a lot of changes in him but at the core I dont beleive he changed.

Iamagoodgirl · Sep 17, 2016

Do not even think now about second marriage.
Let things settle down.
Sort out divorce.
How kids are taking it.
Dont try to hide things from them.
Tell them gently why you are separating from husband.
Use this example to teach them infact how women should not put up with abuse in marriage or relationship.\
Luckily they are daughter they will understand you emotionally better.

madras2018 · Sep 17, 2016

HappyJoy said: ↑

Thank you for the quick reply. I am lucky that age is my side. I am only 38 and my older one will be heading to college soon and younger one is still in elementary school. I dont know how the kids will look at me when they grow up. He is an excellent father but he treated me very badly during our marriage. He says I always neglected kids and we used to have long showdowns (not taking to each other and sleeping in separate bed rooms for 4-6 months). He is very short tempered and hurt me several times. We have even social services called. He says I dont have work-lfe balance. He educated me after marriage,supported my job and took care of kids (he works from home). But I was looking for some love and affection and he always focus on kids. He is very rough with the kids also.

Finally I took bold step to step out. Kids are staying with most of the time while I am staying with room mates. He is keep asking me to come back and I can see a lot of changes in him but at the core I dont beleive he changed.
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One thing I will suggest since you have a family and history of being married 18 years..do explore the possibility of fixing what you have with the help of professionals. It's a good sign that your husband is showing some improvements. If you can fix your existing relationship it might be better than putting yourself on the market (taking profile photos, constantly staying in shape, repeatedly "auditioning") & finding a new guy with yet to be discovered problems.

Divorce by itself and the dating world can be rough. Some women regret leaving their marriage too. So rather than hindsight, why not give your marriage a last chance & see if something is salvageable now ? Atleast you'll not have any regrets later.

Lastly, this separation can be a good thing. It can give you both clarity and perspective. Separation need not always equal divorce. It can be a temporary break as you re-assess your feelings for each other. Sometimes people also use a temporary separation to date casually. It can be a reality check, disabuse assumptions & really help put things in perspective !

All said & done, It's also totally understandable if you're really done with the relationship & see divorce as the only option. To each his/her own.

Think carefully. Rather that unqualified strangers on indus ladies what you probably should be considering is an appointment with a licensed marriage and family therapist.

Good luck and best wishes.

anika987 · Sep 17, 2016

HappyJoy said: ↑

Hubby helped a lot raising the kids, educating me, supporting for job and educating kids.
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That is a good guy..

Maybe the reason could be is he might want you to prioritize family first.just self introspect where things are wrong.maybe he needs more attention from you..
from what you said..i think there does not seem to be a huge problem for you to walk out of an 18 year marriage.The reason you are giving is "financially stable".That should not be always be a reason.

1)Infidelity
2)severe Emotional abuse
3)Physical abuse

Only the above three I feel qualifies for divorce and rest can be worked upon. Noone is perfect and noone can get a perfect partner.the next guy can be even worse..

If you read so many threads,you will know what abuse is all about.
Sorry if i offended you but divorce should be the last option..

PS:read your second thread after a while..what do you mean when you said "rough on the kids?" does he hit them?

yellowmango · Sep 17, 2016

HappyJoy said: ↑

But he always says I dont care for kids and we had always fights. I feel disrespected and hurt physically and emotionallly for very long time.
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Why do you feel hurt physically. Does he physically abuse you?
Regarding the rest.....have you tried temporary separation ?
Counseling?

ivlakshmi · Sep 18, 2016

Divorcee guys have issues accepting another divorcee girl and why would they accept some one with two kids?
Even if they accept do you think your kids can accept new person in their mothers life?
If you get divorced there is high possibility that you would remain single for rest of your life. Try counselling and work on the relationship .

Shreema86 · Sep 18, 2016

Dear op,
If you are walking out of a marriage after 18 years, I believe that you must have been really pushed to that point.nothing wrong in that. If this is what you really want no one can stop you. But you also have to accept that because of your kids it will never truly over between you and ur ex. While ur children may understood why you did what you did, it is no small event and the effects may be felt for years to come. That being said, you seem to be a bold woman. Forget men and relationships for sometime . Concentrate on ur kids, follow your passion, travel, soul search. The day you feel self sufficient and feel you don't need anyone else to fulfill you, you will automatically attract the right people. Just don't settle for anything less than what you truly deserve.

HappyJoy · Sep 19, 2016

Here is the long story ....

Its an arranged marriage and 8 years apart. I did my B.sc and he is working here. He refused to take any things from us including a ring at the marriage and my father did the marriage in a very simple way. All along he complains that my father should have hired a good photographer instead of asking my 15 yrs old brother to take marriage pics.

He took care of my passport/visa/travel expenses and sent money to buy everything including my inner garments. He promised my father to let me continue my education. He got all the books/material for GRE/TOFEL and researched how to get into a MS as I dont have 4 year degree. Finally he spoke with academic advisor to get conditional admission so that I complete the pre-requisites like additional subject and complete my GRE/TOFEL,. He used to make very less money those days but managed the home and my studies

We agreed to not have kids until I complete studies He provided me all the material w.r.t contraceptives . He used to remind me about taking my tablets. But I have the habit of not remembering things and I got pregnant within 2 months of arrival here. He told me that its upto me to keep or go for abortion as my goal was completing my MS.
and I got pregrant again in the next 5 months and this time also he said again its up to me. But I was under so much stress and young, far away and no one to conuncel me and afraid to for abortion and decided to keep it.

He used to drop me/pick up from college, do all outisde work for home and help me at home as well But I got tp deal with my pregnancy and studies pressure. He started getting imprainace as according to him, I am not learning lessons from past(two time pregnancy) and running into same problems again and again. We have lot of arguments and fights and he used to be physical some times and asked me to leave home. He has anger issues.

It took me 5 years to complete my MS which normally takes 2 yrs. I feel he put pressure on me to complete the course work and not happy I took very long time. Again i felt pressured for getting a job. I did very low paying jobs for 6 months and then a got a break. He taught me driving and again it took more than a year to pass driving and he was not happy. He used to take my daughter all the places like libraries/play places/kids clubs and cooperatives schools etc while I am at home/school.

Slowly I settled in a steady job. Meanwhile, I got pregrant again 2 more times and as I want to focus on career I got abortions. He is supportive but not happy and finally I was pregnat again and we decided to keep the baby.

We had several fights. He hit me, called me several names etc. I used to feel tensed everday to come home. He used to sleep another room for 4 to 5 montns after fights. He says I dont have work//life balance and dont feed kids properly, dont pay attenton to them. when my older kid hit 8th grade, she had teenage problems. He started telling me to focus on her as he is father and took care of her so far and its my turn and as woman and mother I will be the best to get closer to her. I had lot of issues at work and trying to get promotion. He said, he gave 2 yrs time and now its time to focus on the edler one as she needs our support for next 3 yrs and then after we dont need to.

He used to hit my elder one as she is not keeping up with good grades and had all kinds of teenage issues and he blames for all those issue and say that I am not spending enough time.

I used to come home with fear as I never know when he will start fights. He says I never respond to his messages or wont do simple things despite of several reminders

My younger one had early child hood issues and he is the one who followed up with doctors, psycriatists and put her is sepcial education school and do all pick ups and drop offs etc. Even for my edler one, he is the one take her for all competetions, tech workshops etc

I used to feel he completely forgotten me and just focused on kids. I used long for small small things like walking with him , watching movie ... But he never had time for me but fights.

When my parents visited here last time, they tried top ptach up and it didnt worked. He accused them that they are putting all kidsn of things in my mind and medling into our finances etc. My father called me names and he asked them to leave . He even helped my brother to come here .

I was thinking of filing for divroce for two yrs before separation . I was keep thingking about my future, kids etc. But finlly I deciced to walk out when he hit me one day asking me not go for marathon practice and focus on the elder one. its almost 2 yrs since we got seprareted and I filed for divroce. I am still confused ... He came pleading with me all the time and telling he will adjust etc. But I made up my mind not to go back as I all the past is haunting me.