Disrespect Toward My Parents

sokanasanah · Jun 21, 2017

BhumiBabe said: ↑

It's no surprise he's insecure... I told him explicitly, that he needs to try to impress me ...
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You know, this forthrightness may backfire. The knight in shining armor thing has to come naturally. As they plow through freeway traffic in the evenings, men tend to imagine themselves returning to a loving bosom and warm hearth after a bloody day of battle. If there is to be yet another performance assessment, expectations for which are made too explicit, then the home becomes another arena of contest instead of a refuge from it - for both of you. If enthusiasm for the gym is what you want, then it is better expressed as "Look at that guy next door - he had a heart attack at 45. Babloo and I would hate to lose you ..." that sort of thing. I am speaking in general terms. I know this might be harder for you given the tension in the relationship.

On a lighter note, your man's efforts to impress you may not go quite as planned (Thanks to Jim Benton)!

BhumiBabe · Jun 22, 2017

sokanasanah said: ↑

You know, this forthrightness may backfire. The knight in shining armor thing has to come naturally. As they plow through freeway traffic in the evenings, men tend to imagine themselves returning to a loving bosom and warm hearth after a bloody day of battle. If there is to be yet another performance assessment, expectations for which are made too explicit, then the home becomes another arena of contest instead of a refuge from it - for both of you. If enthusiasm for the gym is what you want, then it is better expressed as "Look at that guy next door - he had a heart attack at 45. Babloo and I would hate to lose you ..." that sort of thing. I am speaking in general terms. I know this might be harder for you given the tension in the relationship.

On a lighter note, your man's efforts to impress you may not go quite as planned (Thanks to Jim Benton)!
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Actually, the gym suggestion is for his health - per dr recommendation since he has back problems. It would impress me if he continued... But impressing me is not the point of gym. I would be impressed if he went out of his way to do something for me, like take me to the movies (one that I actually want to watch) - or even just let me watch what I want on tv, would be nice. Since he does things based on HIS convenience, I am less impressed. Like he ended up taking me to the movies, with some random friend, and let that random friend decide on the movie. It was so anticlimactic... like he was so pleased with himself that he was planning this outing, but ended up hanging out with someone else. In this case, it wasn't a big deal, and he ended up feeling bad about it, because the movie his friend chose was a dud.

Regardless, I am not at the point of wanting to be impressed. I want him to feel better about himself, so everything I do, doesn't seem like a totally weird thing to do (not so altruistic), which in turn doesn't turn into a fight based on my weirdness.

sokanasanah · Jun 22, 2017

BhumiBabe said: ↑

I would be impressed if he went out of his way to do something for me ...
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I understand - of course I do! I do not disagree with the desire. All I am drawing attention to is the choice of words. Let me see if I can express my thoughts better:

"Try to impress me" immediately conveys that you are not exactly impressed right now. It would have to be a very confident person who does not go into a defensive or aggressive mode upon hearing that. More likely than not, such wording invites a response along the lines of "I don't give a damn whether you are impressed or not!" or "Yeah, well, you're not exactly impressing me either!" and variations thereof. The realtionship is not improved, the goal of better health is not achieved.

Most of us seem to manage people much better at work than in our personal lives, since the rewards and consequences are so much clearer and often more immediate. No matter what the state of the relationship, we are 'managing' the people in our lives. I am urging you to do it with skill, that's all.