Disrespect Toward My Parents

People who want to save their marriage do not start the effort by telling the spouse that he/she wants to punch his/ her parents face .

He can't abuse you because his parents are around or because he is going for counselling so he is doing this. He thinks he is being cheeky.
He will not change .....not unless he risks losing all.
He is what we call in hindi...a' badtameez aadmi'.

 

Hi BB,

I have gone through the thread. And here is my view of the scenario.

Indian society is like this. You cannot change until & unless change by their own. They talk something like this and say they are just kidding, it is for fun. I have came across many people doing this to their IL's, esp guys over the work place keep on blaming their IL's and wives which are most common in this society. I personally have hit the same but there is no way to move other than ignorant. Meanwhile I never talk anything wrong about my IL's, esp to my husband. Ignorance is most important. When comparing to my own experience your's is very tiny thing ( but I dont know whether your DH told it in a funny manner or not). Also we need to accept things. Few people will never change. I have accepted that my DH will do this, but still he respects my parents and never put them down anywhere outside me. Separation is quiet easy whereas when you have a child, it will impact the little one a lot. They need both the parents to share their starting of life. So please consider that and try to forget the bitter experiences and try to accept his nature and rebound. I hope it is tough, but I have done the same in the start of my married life, now it is going apparently good. Able to manage.

I'm not sure my message is clear or not, still acceptance level in wives end are huge in India and so they want everyone to be like that. Most of the Indian films depict the same, they are the people who saw that and evolved, with no common sense they will expect us to be like that.

Its too big topic to cover here. But it is the essence. Think about the child, talk very less, ignore the things which makes you angry, only for few days be the wife the DH wants. I hope that will create a good impact in your life. Go for a day out with your kid. You should feel the difference in him.

This is a South Indian Wife's thoughts

Good luck

 

I don't know about American men but in Indian society, the egoism is the main part of the marriage at least some 6-7 years of initial marriage.once people start living and going through up and downs, the men ego start coming down then they let you have your way like visiting family whenever you want and other stuff where you gain control and they will mellow down a little with age.To achieve that stage, you need to have an immense patient to sail through these years.I have really no idea, where you can get a perfect soul mate or not, even if you are thinking one in a dream.
But you are aiming for the friendship here, I wouldn't even expect at the stage of your marriage.first and foremost respecting and participating in household chores is the main task.If you could achieve those then you can move to them next step.Meanwhile, I strongly encourage you to go GYM and make your own arrangements to attain mental peace yourself then only you can pull the ship.

 

@BhumiBabe I have been following ur posts for a while.

There is a lot of deep rooted resentment..anger and a feeling of "I have been short changed in this marriage..I could have done better (in terms of partner) " .. in all fairness that might be true .

We all have but one life and u should be able to live it the way u want to.U need to be very honest about why u want to be in this marriage. If its for ur parents or even for ur kid..its just not worth it. Stay because u want to..because u think after weighing all the positives and negatives this option is still the better one...for u . Not for ur H not for ur parents or kid ..for u. Once u have chosen give it ur all..dont look back every two days. Accept him for what he is...and draw firm lines . Boundaries he cannot cross. IF u want to go visit ur parents pack ur bags take the kid and just go. Dont ask him for permission....inform him of ur plans.

Do not insist that he live up to ur expectations ..that automatically places the burden of u living unto his. Dont try to be his friend ..not until u are ready to accept his definition of friendship. The drive to change himself has to come from within ..until then tolerate his company .

More importantly dont dwell too much on this Indian /Non Indian..for nearly two decades now I have been in an industry which has very few indians and even fewer indian women .Most of my friends are Europeans/local white women. Their problems and marriages deep down have the same issues. Sitting on a couch with a remote while the wife struggles with a baby on the hip and a dinner in the oven is actually very very common. More common than u realize. Worry about what u can and what u cannot compromise.

 

Acceptance of his nature does not mean u have to like him let alone fall head over heels in love with him. It just means u manage ur expectations ..temper them with a realism.

No. U are subconsciously letting him be the driver. U decide if u want this marriage to work.
Once that decision is taken do not wait for his approval. He is welcome to walk out at any point ..u know it in the back of u mind...now that u know...forget about it. He is adult he can take care of himself. Dont dwell on it. Until he voices his intent one way or another do not ask for his opinion or consent. The more u seek his approval the more control u give him over ur life.

This is hard. I know..something I had to work on early days in my career. Now I can say without worrying over an entire nights sleep to my boss "I know u dont agree but thats ok this is what I believe is the best . I am willing to take the risk.". My decisions /choices were not always wise in hindsight and I have paid the price but thats ok. With all that...I have seen over time that approach strengthens our core.
Start with this wedding. Look him in the eye..tell him I know u dont approve but thats ok I am going to spend my time with my family. I Will see u in a few days. HE wants to sulk point him to a nice cushion on the couch. Just remember this knife cuts both ways..u should be prepared that he will at times do things u dont approve. Accept and move on.
Good luck..come back and post how the wedding went ![/QUOTE]