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Disrespect Toward My Parents

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by BhumiBabe, Jun 19, 2017.

  1. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    its very wrong.
    in reality indian marriages are about the girl accepting husbands family as her own.the stupid concept of kanyadaan. thats why problems in all marriages
     
  2. Iravati

    Iravati Platinum IL'ite

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    Bhumi, I came across you in school threads and you sounded open-minded and reflective. Here is my take on your vent.

    Marriages, Indian or otherwise, don't come with a rulebook to describe this social cohabitation. That means, to some marriage means "run a household together", to others it could vary from "romance" to "cooperation" to "love sickness" to "joint adventure" to "companionship" to "compatriotism" to "conjoined friends" or "coveted social status". Take your pick.

    Based on your writing, you husband wants to stay married having conceded to the reckoning "known misery is safer than unknown misery" and may be that default "bringing up a kid together".

    You have preferred the "known comforts to unknown instability". Both have demarcated your needs clearly in an attempt to reconcile and give validity to the incompatible pair-up.

    That's it. There ends your marriage needs. Why again this friendship rejuvenation? Don't over-complicate your life by going back and forth in the already unsustainable grounds to make it look like an "idealised" marriage. There may be other ill-fated and convenient marriages which can imply your relationship as normal but inquiry on the lines how much abuse can one have, how much disrespect can one take are inconclusive statistics. In a place where there are more sob stories than happy recounts, you will be made to believe that marriages are "very difficult" and "very compromising". Need not be. It is just two people and few outsiders in that family circus. However, it is critical to be paired up with the right partner to run that circus. There are marriages where the only fights are playful jabs by wife where husband never caps his shaving cream and the husband playfully pretends to forget the marriage anniversary only to surprise her later. There is no abuse, no violence, and there is no periodicity in the enactment of les miserables drama for the fear of the unknown misery.

    You will burn out if you start to identify your marriage with a broadly regular and typified "love" [people like each other enough to stay together] marriage. Both of you seem to have come to an arrangement to preserve your marital status. Don't make it look more normal than it is with glittery friendship bands. Raise the kid(s) as parents and once that responsibility is done, decide what you want to do as a couple and may be find love or romance or comforting friendship someday. Again, this is based on your writing that both have decided to reinvent your marriage against harsh compatibility, notwithstanding the fact that one wants to remain married to avoid misery, and the other to avoid uncertainty. But remember, your marriage is thorny because you both have polarised outlooks. If you both want to fit into this "being married" model, keep it simple and just functional. Don't upset this status quo. That is the only way to keep yourself sane and secured. Since there was no question in your post, this is no antidote to your problem. Treat this as an ack to your vent. Good luck! Thanks for the US school insights.
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2017
  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    If one keeps on neglecting our request to stop talking may be it is better to give silent reactions by not reacting to what they talk by walking away ( ignoring is the best insult) or changing topic. They will stop after some time. But we need to let them know that we are not OK with it.

    You have certain expectations and he too. Both are not matching. If there is no mutual respect, love and admiration what is the point in marriage. But people stay together for convenience. Ultimately marriage is about adjustment. Sadly, in Indian set up the woman is expected to adjust, tolerate and accept dh for whatever reasons. Most men don't accept the woman for what she is. Man is here to lead and woman to follow. Any difference from usual, surely is going to create lot of conflict in my own experience. If both of you can accept each other with all pluses and negatives and allow each to be what you are , most of the problems will be solved. But it is not an easy path. If abuse is involved it is better not stay in marriage.
    Anyway Op dont waste your time thinking over it, but be prepared next time. Good luck
     
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  4. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    I think I have come to terms with this marriage being what it is...I stopped expecting emotional support or understanding or even financial support. The thing is... my husband seems to still want that. When he is able to spend time with his parents and brother easily, he sees how much of a failure our marriage is, and "tries" to fix it. Of course he regrets it too, because it always ends up in a fight.

    My marriage counselor asked me if I still want to stay, last week, and since I thought since there was no conflict, I can live without the love. This week, I am unsure, because if it's keeping me away from being able to see my parents or attend a friend's wedding, it makes me feel like the sacrifice is not worth it.
     
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  5. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    Oh brother, what a bother. Sometimes I think the Western system of marriage-less cohabitation is far superior to our dharmic, arranged, married-for-life arrangement. When things get hot, get out of the kitchen. The only problem is the kids suffer. Otherwise, marriage-less cohabitation is the way to go.
     
  6. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    And Some posters were talking about no obligation in American marriages
    .
     
  7. Iravati

    Iravati Platinum IL'ite

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    It is fine to react to the changing circumstances. Few days, you feel like you can handle and other days you doubt your decision. That's also fine. However, ensure that you don't fall into a pattern of indecisiveness in life with a week of optimism and a week of self-doubt. Take your time but firm up at some stage in life and decide what you want to do. My message has undertones of “Given your background with abuse, in case you want to continue in your marriage, don't try too hard to fix it even upon the insistence of your husband and run into a bad mental state owing to irreconcilable conflicts. Don't fix it, just fend it.” Work within your viable options to retain the marriage.

    If your husband is jumpy about fixing the marriage one day and jumping ship the idea the next day, rather than conjuring up these friendship games, be practical and instill sense of reality in him and then work towards only a functional and sustainable model of your cooperative relationship without too much of “lets try to be like other normal couples”. Bring it to a state where both of you are civil towards each other and able to parent a child with less strain and have less dominion in each other's private life (like, visiting parents that you mentioned). I hope you are not taking my advice as a rough standing on your predicament.
     
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  8. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    BB,

    I can assure you one thing, even in good friendly marriage, men slip words to say nasty things. Out of politeness they do behave well most of the time. Yes, at odd times, they do slip words. It is more common than you think.

    My advise, don't bring both sides of family into the marriage. If you start the war, who is better or he said this or that, it is never ending story.

    Both of you, seems to think/weight the marriage, what would have been different, if I am not caught in this marriage? It is the human nature.

    Even if you decided to walk out, don't do it in anger.

    There is no such a thing as the 100% happy marriage, once the honeymoon phase is over, have to come back to reality to live with the flaws.

    You are a brilliant woman, I am sure you will make a sensible decision to overcome the situation.
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2017
  9. AshMenon

    AshMenon Gold IL'ite

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    I have low tolerance for any sort of disrespect towards my parents be it from my DH or my ILs. I have given my MIL a piece of my mind every time she brings up "Now you are part of our family... not part of the old family anymore" crap. I don't mind being a part of their family but don't she dare try to cut me off from my family. Not that her telling so will do it. I know her thinking would not change, but she makes it a point not to talk so in front of me.

    During my parents stay with us to take care of our DD, there were differences of opinion in how to handle the baby. But DH nor my parents disrespected each other. I would have gave my DH a piece of my mind if such thing had happened or would do the same when his parents come to stay with us. It is an unwritten rule within ourselves that "the way you respect my folks, you can expect the same with yours"

    OP, I do not see how your DH will ever respect your parents especially when he is so open in telling/showing his disrespect even in front of you. The least you can ask him to do is (other than changing his ways) NOT show his disrespect in front of you or them. Showing your loyalty to your DH by supporting him and not your folks is clearly retarded mindset. Hopefully things work out for the good (either separating or change in your DHs behavior). God bless!
     
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  10. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    good one.i too hate this crap
     
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