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Disrespect Toward My Parents

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by BhumiBabe, Jun 19, 2017.

  1. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    Hi everyone,

    I'm back...and actually quite angry right now and want to vent.

    This weekend, my husband decided that he wanted to stay in our marriage because if we divorced, then that's more misery than the misery of living with a person who doesn't "understand him". I didn't agree or disagree - I prefer to be careful with my words. I knew that it was starting to niggle in his mind, and if his parents weren't staying with us for the summer, he would have already lost his temper. So, he somehow came to the belated conclusion that maybe we should learn to be friends, if we have to stay in this marriage. Which is exactly what I suggested from day one, but anyway... that's not why I'm angry.

    To start our friendship off, we started talking about likes and dislike, specifically, how I enjoy trying new foods. He said it was really embarrassing that I would know a lot about food, because where he came from, food was food, and it wasn't something interesting. Ok... so, what about the conversations with his family and friends about how they are dying for Indian food and just want biryani or something. It's like, he wanted to talk honestly about his feelings, and ended up being offensive with the excuse of being honest. Anyway, at this point, I don't care. But my dad also enjoys trying different foods, and my husband brings him up (in the name of friendship) saying that when my dad mentioned this, he wanted to go up and [punch] in the face. I say punch, because it was implied, and I hope he didn't mean something else 'in his face'. Naturally, this pissed me off, but in his opinion, he thinks he did nothing wrong. In fact, he wants me to sympathize, and the fact that I'm "supporting" my dad, I am going against him. the funny thing is, I didn't yell or do anything - I just said that be considerate enough not to speak to me about my dad, because how would he feel if I talked bad about his dad?

    So, this level of disrespect for my parents really bothers me. I am physically not in a bad marriage anymore - and mentally/emotionally don't care about my husband or what he says anymore (and he's really not being mean with his parents around and because of the counselor's homework on being nice to each other). But, this incident made me really think if I can never live peacefully in this marriage. I know that he will continue to feel like this toward my dad. We are supposed to attend my friend's wedding (and stay at my parent's house), and my husband doesn't want to go, obviously. He keeps saying that I'm choosing "those people" over him, "the people who really matter" (for real, he says this).

    Anyway, this is more of a rant, but I'm having trouble even liking this human being enough to stay around. Literally, at this point, I'm here because my son and, in a more materialistic way, I am financially secure and live in a nice house (and my job is only in this city, and I really like it). I don't even have a question for anyone anymore.... maybe, how much disrespect toward your parents do you tolerate?
     
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  2. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    BB, not sure what to say ... I am fiercely protective of my parents usually.
    Feeling miserable, more guilty after reading your post.
    Earlier this evening when I returned from office, got irritated with dad and spoke in an irritated tone. Just couldnt stop. Feel so guilty. We had a good time yesterday on Father's day, and today how could I? ....Cant even focus on my work and I need to finish before I call it a day.
    Someone please :smash2: me
    Going to confess to DH and listen to his lecture - I deserve it
     
  3. ashneys

    ashneys Gold IL'ite

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    To answer your question, My tolerance level on this subject is pretty low because I don't disrespect my ils. So I expect the same.

    During our initial months (maybe weeks) of marriage, we did have this issue as my dh was introduced to my extended clan and as usual there were the good ones and the bad ones. Or something good or bad that my parents did.

    So my dh used to pull their names into some conversation or the other and ridicule their mistakes or something he doesn't approve of. This used to happen in front of his family and alone too. I was quiet for the first few times as I didn't know how to react.

    Then when it happened again, I simply said "Why are you so obsessed with them? Looks like you keep thinking about them a lot more than they would. If you don't like something, why keep thinking about it. I would like to put yourself in my place and tell me how would you feel and react if I ridicule your family in front of my folks. If you won't like it, then understand I won't either. So let's stop it now"

    He understood and agreed. But out of habit, he did it again beyond his control. I said "Now I feel like I wana make fun of your family too. You wana see how it feels?" He looked at me weird but really stopped.

    And over the last decade, it happened just a few more times, but I conveyed that "I don't like it" very clearly every single time.

    It's to convey to you that there is no "one day" miracle for issues like this. But over a period of time, it did make a huge difference.
     
  4. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Gold IL'ite

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    yes.i wouldnt tolerate disrespect towards vparents
     
  5. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    Aww, it happens. Dad's are so great at loving us, that they would forgive us in an instant. Don't beat yourself up too much.

    My dad and I fight all the time, but he's always there for me - my very own champion.
     
    Sunshine04 likes this.
  6. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    I wish this worked with my husband. I tried repeatedly. Even our marriage counselor told him he needs to stop or this marriage will not work.

    The attitude toward their own parents so different, but when it comes to in-laws, anything goes apparently. His friends all talk disrespectfully about their in-laws too, but nothing this bad - more about looks.
     
    Sunshine04 likes this.
  7. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy Platinum IL'ite

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    From whatever I have read , your husband seems more "Indian" than most modern Indian men I know , so for him to be agitated about food is surprising ( No trip to the park in India is complete without a basket of idli's , dhoklas and samosas, frisbee is secondary ). So wanting to punch your dad over his fondness for food seems a bit of a overreaction considering he is brought up in India .

    Your husband's basic problem is that he is having a hard time living with a modern independent American woman that will voice her opinions about him and the marriage . So he needs accept that and respect you for what you are for the marriage to workout .
    You seem to be working very hard on this marriage, so I really commend you for that. But unless the husband decides to shove his hard core Indian male ego down the trash , things will be difficult .
    Developing a friendship with the spouse involves being able to state ones opinion / likes or dislikes without being judged.
    As a woman , you should not have to prove your loyalty to him by going against your parents . I categorize this as a form of emotional abuse.
    Can you take a small break from each other, rent a place in the same city and only interact on the weekends ? Maybe that will also help you
    develop some emotional attachment towards him. I think he also takes for granted all the efforts that you have been putting into making things work. So taking a break will help with that as well. I know you have a child , so I don't know how much of this is feasible .
    A friend did this when things were getting difficult in the marriage and there was a lot of confusion. It helped clear her mind .
    I wish you the very best and hope all these issues are resolved amicably. Take care !
     
    Naari likes this.
  8. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    Well, my husband is also angry, that I asked my dad to come and defend me last month. At that point, I only stayed in the marriage in respect of my dad, but husband thinks my dad came to insults him for fun and purposely break the marriage.

    Oh, and I don't think I can create any type of emotional attachment to my husband. I'm trying, but his mouth and the stupid remarks get in the way.
     
    blissofmylife likes this.
  9. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    When are you going to get rid of this nincompoop?
     
  10. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Gold IL'ite

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    many indian men do this
     
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