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Disagreement about parenting - your views?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SaleemaRex, Dec 14, 2012.

  1. SaleemaRex

    SaleemaRex Gold IL'ite

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    It's not easy for 2 different individuals to have the exact same views about parenting. When husband and wife share big responsibility such as this, disagreements are likely to happen. What are the ways to avoid or resolve such disagreements? Most importantly what can be done to make sure that these conflicts doesn't affect the love and romance between the husband and wife?
     
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  2. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Saleema there is a concept called parallel parenting and partnership parenting..where we agree we go ahead as partners, where we disagree we tend to accept and agree to the other. these arise only till the age of 8 and by the kids start having a opinion of their own and it becomes more of a discussion rather than parenting in the strict terms...

    Partnership parenting works better for us because both of us think differently. but when the ideas are combined they work wonders for the kid and also allows us to put up a united front..(our disagreements if any are behind closed doors)

    There was a thread here on the same topic..do search for it..
     
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  3. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Saleema
    A dilemma every couple faces. Including urs truly. Me and DH come from very similar background and to a large extent share identical views about life ,family,religion, politics in a broad sense. The devil however is in the details :) Its these little details(along with PMS) that often lead to disagreements while dealing with kiddos.
    For now my kids are young...so the issues are minor in the larger scheme of things...things like whether its ok to whip up a separate meal just because one of them is being cranky, let them watch a movie on a weekday night OR ok to let them slack if they are not picking up after themselves.
    I find it too hard to keep all disagreements hidden carefully until the kids are tucked in. Too much effort and usually by that time...both me and DH would have long forgotten the issue. The way we deal with it is right there in the open without being confrontational. They see that sometimes mom and dad say the same thing....but sometimes they dont...and thats ok. Sometimes mom is able to convince dad and sometimes its the other way. Conflict resolution is a skill they primarily learn at home.
    Of course this approach comes with a risk..children (adorable as they are) can also be very manipulative . Its important that the couple have a strong bond to begin with....and not let them play one parent against another. Would this approach change as my children grow older and issues become more complex...may be...
    Would love to read more tips from others .
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    None really. Each disagreement has to be resolved as best as possible, and both will be wiser before the next disagreement. With parenting becoming a joint effort instead of mostly by mom, such disagreements are unavoidable.

    Frequent date-night when husband and wife talk about anything but kids and kids related stuff. Try it. It is harder than we think to not talk about kids for more than 20 minutes. :)
     
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  5. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    As much as possible do not argue or fight about parenting issues in front of the kids. Even if they are small they pick up on it and it creates a feeling if insecurity in them. If agreement is impossible civilly agree to disagree.
     
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  6. SaleemaRex

    SaleemaRex Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for all your replies :)
     
  7. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Well, after kids, as rihana says you can't even shop without missing them. they come into your thought when both of you go for a dinner, and the food reminds you that your son would relish it better.. it happens, all the time.


    Recently a friend was reading this book and i borrowed it, to just go through it and it made a lot of sense. and it made me feel better that we have been approaching parenting in the right direction albeit with lots of hits and misses. (I usually don't read such books, but curiosity :hide:)

    so as a couple if you feel you need to understand the difference between mothering and fathering (just like men are from mars and women are from venus) i would recommend this
    book.Partnership Parenting: How Men and Women Parent Differently--Why It Helps Your Kids and Can Strengthen Your Marriage: Kyle Pruett MD, Marsha Pruett PhD: 9780738213262: Amazon.com: Books
     
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  8. SaleemaRex

    SaleemaRex Gold IL'ite

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    Parallel parenting, interesting... Yes after 8 kids do have a opinion of their own. Issues I have is the freedom they (kids) want and when to give and when to restrict...

    Thanks for sharing, nice concept. Will read about it.
     
  9. SaleemaRex

    SaleemaRex Gold IL'ite

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    Me and my husband also have similar views about major issues..... as you said the devil is in the details.

    My kids are older so issues are about do we get them what they are asking for, is it ok to let them visit a friend on a weekday, etc.


    I also think it is good for the kids to learn about conflict resolution and have realistic expectations in life i.e. disagreement is common in any relationship, it is how is it handled that is important.

    As they grow old I think the issues are different and sometimes can be major. Yes agree with the manipulation part..... my kids know which ones dad agree and which ones mum so ask the individual who is likely to say yes.
     
  10. SaleemaRex

    SaleemaRex Gold IL'ite

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    That's true.

    Date nights are good.... I also think it's nice to go out for lunch or just a coffee without kids :)
     

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