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Dilemma.. Please Help

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ILUser07, Jul 21, 2018.

  1. NeerjaC

    NeerjaC Silver IL'ite

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    I think it's time for you to make a decision. I can understand your husband having an anger issue, but from all your posts it sounds like he is not even willing to try. Maybe he is resentful of having to take over cooking and shopping to help out while you are pregnant. But regardless of what the issue is, it is unacceptable to shout and threaten your pregnant wife in front of your toddler.

    First of all - do you want to save your marriage, can you see yourself living with this man for the rest of your life. If yes, then sit him down and tell him that he has an issue and it's affecting the way you feel about him. Regardless of the mistakes you make, how is it fair for him to scream at you for hours on end in front of your toddler. Won't this affect the baby? If he really wants to make this work, he needs to go for anger management and maybe even marriage counseling.

    Next time he has a tantrum, just walk out - don't say anything, pick up your toddler and your purse and walk out the door. Go to friend's house or go eat out at a restaurant.

    It's hard to stand up for yourself when you are constantly being put down, day in and day out and you don't even know what you are doing wrong. So you end up walking on eggshells all day, careful about what you say and do in case it leads to another outburst. It wears you down, living like that day after day. So I would urge you, if there is a way you can walk away from this marriage, then go for it, don't do it for yourself, do it for your children.
     
    ILUser07 and Lalithambigai like this.
  2. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    op,

    I am following your threads. At the beginning wondered, why you wanted to go to India so badly?

    Now, I understand better, I would do the same. He could be the best person, but it is hard to put up with the uncontrollable outage.

    Somehow, nicely or cunningly, tried to move away from him with your kids. You need lot of mental / physical strength to stand up to him.

    Definitely, seeking medical help to control his anger or anxiety issue is advisable. Would he go and see the doctor? First of all, would he admit he is throwing a 'fit' and it is impacting the family?

    Do you have a good supporting friends to help you with the situation? Would he listen to someone here? Does anyone else know, he is doing this to you?

    Worst case scenario, with a legal help you can leave the country with the kid(s) eventually. But, do you need to go to that extreme?
     
  3. ILUser07

    ILUser07 Silver IL'ite

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    :relieved:

    No. Yesterday I told him I am planning to go to meditation. He said why do you want to go to meditation when you are having such a happy and stress free life?
    No. He doesn't listen to anyone. I opened up to few of my friends in US recently. They are supportive in worst case. His parents know about this but they are of no help.
     
  4. mangaii

    mangaii Gold IL'ite

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    The real problem is you and your husband agree to something for time being but cannot keep up your words. There is a conflict. He agreed to send you to India but later on backed off. You not hiring help when he says he can do some work. You guys go back and forth and both of you have problem sticking to what you agree upon. Your husband is being over worked during your pregnancy but both of you refuse to hire help. You both are having unrealistic expectation from each other. If you are working hire help. Make your life and your husband life easier. You don't need parents to take care of you. You can hire a nanny. He can show his anger to you , your parents not to third person like nanny.
     
  5. ILUser07

    ILUser07 Silver IL'ite

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    I am going to talk to him today. I want an affirmation from you ladies. Am i being selfish and adamant asking for delivery in India? Am I being unreasonable not thinking about my kids future by denying them US citizenship? How much ever I think, this citizenship thing is not being prominent in my head to weight my peace of mind and health.
     
  6. BeautifulSmile

    BeautifulSmile Bronze IL'ite

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    Peaceful pregnancy is more worth for you and baby than US citizenship. JUST GO.
     
    SinghManisha and BhumiBabe like this.
  7. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Go. please go. its for the best.
     
  8. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    I feel for you. I think most posters are suggesting what I want to say. Go to India with your first born with H consent. Separation and newborn with help with situation. Do not worry about child's citizenship. You will have that option later also.
    I know my H also gets that a lot and he shouts almost to this throat vessel tearing up in front of my kid. Many times throws stuff but not like your H.
    And too much of work and stress plus his aggressive nature, first toddler, his/her school or care activities + another on the way... lot of work....He has to worry about cooking cleaning, everything.
    Do you think offloading some work from him by hiring maid etc will help with nature? Talk to him. Talk to him about the options when he is calm.
     
  9. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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  10. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    From the post, it looks this is not a new problem. Knowingly, why did you chose to go through IVF?
    Why didn’t you try to put your life on track before IVF?

    IVF is expensive; if you can go through IVF, you can go for counseling. Perhaps, you might be able to find out the root cause for his anger. It could be job stress. He needs tools and learn to handle his stress without taking it on you. The current environment is toxic for growing children.

    Having the 2nd one in India, you are taking away his opportunity to be in USA or to come back to USA later on, even if you choose to separate and take your kids to India and raise them in India.
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2018
    SinghManisha likes this.

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