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Dilemma.. Please Help

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ILUser07, Jul 21, 2018.

  1. ILUser07

    ILUser07 Silver IL'ite

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    Ladies, I am fed up with the anger bursts of my husband and its taking a toll on my health. I am 3 month pregnant now and I am unable to handle this stress. I am just bursting out to tears throughout the day no matter what I try to divert. Present, my husband is normal but no one knows how long it lasts. I don't want my parents to come here to assist in delivery as it will be torture for them. They have to live inside their room fearing about my husband and yet do all the chores. My husband is insisting me to get them. Daily emotional drama that my son is missing them etc. I don't see a reason why they have to come this early as I will need most help towards end and in early post partum. My husband wants everything as per his wants and can't tolerate even a single compromise on his comfort or needs.
    I badly want to go to India for delivery for 3 main reasons
    1. To escape his anger and these fights
    2. To escape winter(due in jan)
    3. I am on H4. if in future I want to seperate from my husband, I no longer will be allowed to stay in US. I don't know if I will be allowed to take kids who are US citizens. I want at least 2nd kid to be Indian. Of course I will die if I have to leave my first kid. In worst case if nothing works, I want my parents to come towards end.

    Though my husband promised me that I can deliver in India before the IVF process, once I conceived he is saying it wont be fair to take away the opportunity from the 2nd one. Am I being selfish and mean? Will this effect the mutual relation between 2 kids when they grow old? I feel its far into future which we have no control on.

    My second issue:
    I want to have a serious talk with my husband. Without bringing up any past issues or blaming him, I want to say that - "You have enough complaints on me and I don't see our relation getting any better as we are not putting any effort for that. I feel its better we separate and live our lives happily. We can still fulfill our responsibilities as parents though we are separated. No point in staying in same room and fighting and traumatizing the kids which will not help in any way. Even if we don't separate now, in coming years we will definitely head to that point with more hatredness to each other."
    I know my husband and he starts blame game, points out my mistakes, how he is suffering and how much he is doing for the family(doing grocery, finance planning etc). He might talk to me softly and make me feel guilty or he might start a fight.
    How do I prepare for this? I really want to be strong and calm and let his actions not effect my decision. I want him to work on his anger and only then I can continue this relation.

    @Rakhii @yellowmango @Vedhavalli @Rihana @madras2018 @SGBV - Need your expert advice
     
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  2. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Does your inlaws know about their sons behaviour. Are they supporting you or him? Is it not possible for them to come now so your parents can come the next 6 months.
    Can you take your husband to meet your doctor so that the doc can advice how bad it is to mentally torture you at this time which might affect your health .
    And tell him directly that you will leave him and take your kid away if he is torturing you daily !
     
  3. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    1. custody rights are a whole different thing. law favors women unless the women has serious issues in usa
    2. anger issues. men or women in the abuser side ( do not change, till they realize that their actions are going to have serious consequences )

    rest i am not sure how and what to tell. god bless you and the coming time be easy on you.
     
    shravs3 likes this.
  4. ILUser07

    ILUser07 Silver IL'ite

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    In laws know about this and they are victims too sometimes. But they forgive and support him. They say thats how men will be. My doctor already told him and he thinks I made her say those. Problem is he doesn't understand that he is hurting me and this is abuse. He thinks he reacts just because of my actions and I am provoking him. He blames me inturn that its effecting his health. He feels he is the best person in the world to have as husband or dad. He does all the grocery after my first pregnancy(costco, braums, indian, walmart, target etc) and he thinks he is doing so much for the family. He is financially very responsible and planned. In a couple of fights when I said I will leave, he asked me to leave kid.
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Second pregnancy with a toddler, both parents working. This is a stressful time for any household. Add to it IVF, your husband's alleged nature, and it becomes more stressful.

    You said he is helping a lot with the cooking and household chores. He does costco, braums, indian, walmart, target etc shopping and finance planning. If I was doing all that, I might be losing my cool now and then.

    Why not get back the cook who was charging $18 an hour?

    Second kid born in India -- it doesn't matter if we think it is mean and selfish or not. Your husband will surely tell the kid that the decision was yours and he was against it. Even if kid doesn't care, the repeated reminders from your husband over the years, can cause kid to resent your decision.
     
  6. ILUser07

    ILUser07 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks @Rihana for replying. If it is just loosing cool, i would be fine. But it is shouting for hours, throwing food plate, breaking and smashing things in home, cursing my parents should die and threatening to kill or harm himself. All infront of my toddler. I tried going to other room - he comes chasing. Won't allow me to leave home for sometime nor he does. It will be a high voltage drama which is unbearable for me.
    I agree he helps a lot, he cooks, cleans dishes as i am pregnant(doesn't do otherwise. not blaming). But simple thing like not finding a spoon or vessel or ingredient in cooking is enough for him to burst out, throw everything and make a mess. He wants things to appear in front of him as he thinks. Doesn't handle waiting for 2 mins while i find for him or tell him where it is. This is just an example.
     
  7. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I m very sorry for ur situation. I have seen many posts of urs.

    My H is also more or less like ur hubby but not so violent. UR H WILL NOT CHANGE. PERIOD. May be when he is above 60 he will mellow a bit.

    To every answer of ur query there r only two answers no third.

    If u can't leave him , develop tactics to deal with him. Life will always be a rollercoaster ride.

    Or get rid of him if you can.

    Only u know what u really want.

    No middle path exists while dealing with such morons.
     
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  8. venkiis

    venkiis Bronze IL'ite

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    abusers never change, till they get or face their consequences.

    that said everyone gets angry. and it is ok. even a new born gets angry when it realizes it cannot do anything, it cries. BUT as adult, we have a responsibility to control our anger and show such a emotion only for a real reason. transferring the blame is not accepted.


    i filed a restraining order against my wife. now i live separate, she is going therapy to handle anger issues. she is super respectful now. but it is too late. i do not want to file divorce because it will jeopardize my daughter future. but after GC will do.
     
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  9. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    I dont know whether u want to divorce ur hubby or not. But the kind of monster he is you will definitely be more at peace if u seperate. How can you cook food for one who curses ur parents to die. This is enough. How can u take that much of ****. Have some self respect.

    According to me you should go to ur parents place for delivery ASAP. You won't get a better opportunity to run from this monster. Take all necessary documents. Forget about child's nationality n other issues. Ur sanity and peace of mind is of utmost importance. Have ur delivery and then discuss with ur parents and decide whether u want to go back or not.

    If u decide to seperate than consult a ggood lawyer. Don't worry about custody. No court will give the child to an abuser. As u r already working in the US, u will easily get a job in India.

    P.S. if u decide to seperate abusers use two tactics.
    One he will write sweet messages saying how much he loves u. He is sorry for his actions. Don't fall into this trap as it is only to bring u back.

    Secondly if u don't listen he will start threatening u. always remember such abusers are big time cowards.they wont do anything in real.

    It's upto u to take the decision. But I feel u should seperate.
     
    hemakrishnan123 likes this.
  10. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Hey, first of all breath. You are going to be OK. You deserve to be happy, with or without him. These anger out bursts are beyond me. Mine used to have them but not to the point of breaking things around or cursing my parents to die. I honestly think its in your best interest that you go to India, taking your first born with you. Some separation will help in understanding what you both want in life. Surely, he wouldn’t want to keep fighting with you either. My suggestion would be to find a way to convince him to send you to India along with the first born. Without his consent, it will be abducting his child. You do not want to do that in US. Since its H4, you may or may not be allowed back.

    How supportive are your parents? Do they know the extent of damage? These kinds of breaking things scare me because it would mean that if he is angry enough, he wouldn’t hesitate to physically hurt you. We can find ways to deal with mental turmoil but this is beyond my comfort zone. I do not suggest you continue with this man unless he starts therapy/ anger management.

    I am sure you have your reasons to continue this relationship with him but I don’t believe its in your best interest.
     

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