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Dilemma- Leave Or Stay

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rosegarden, Feb 9, 2018.

  1. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Rose Garden, glad you have started counseling. No counselor is going to tell you what to do, their job is to help you understand your situation better. Ultimately you are the one that is supposed to direct the next course of action. They cannot take decisions for you. This is USA my friend, tomorrow you could sue her for asking you to leave your husband or stay put with him.
    So keep that in mind before you decide to switch counselors.

    I recommend continuing counseling till you have more clarity , strength and self confidence to take a decision.
     
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  2. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    I am contemplating separation too and I had a similar experience with a therapy session.. counsellor would say pros and cons for everything and not really advise do this or do that.. @Rosegarden I am taking baby steps towards this whole process. Like one day, I went through a stack of old cds that had wedding pictures, videos etc.. and saved only a few what I needed and threw away rest to a dustbin.. I have set timelines for myself.. I have started telling close friends , co workers because their emotional support is crucial for me.. and also logistical support like finding accommodation etc.. This is not like how they how show in movies where you pack your suitcase and leave in a day.. Its a very emotional process.. And if the husband has otherwise been nice and good to you, like mine has, its an additional factor, as there will be deep attachment despite the bitterness . and concern for his wellbeing ..I wake up every morning with a very heavy feeling . Days where I think, shall I just forget leaving and stay..Is it worth all the pain.. I was confident till I have actually kickstarted this .. And now I realize the enormity of it..Not being negative at all, but If I had kids I don't think I could have gone through this plan unless there was serious abuse involved. I suggest you kickstart the process seriously , like telling your husband you will leave.( mine got a jolt when I said I will leave and is now going to great lengths to make me stay)... you will then start to get clarity of whether leaving is the right option for you.
     
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  3. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes, She suggested that she can help us with couple counselling or finding another one for therapy for my husband, so that she can monitor it. She keep on asking questions to help my thoughts. She is an experienced and established clinical psychologist What is Cognitive behaviour therapy? How is it different from counselling. How to find one who do it?
     
  4. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for sharing your experience. There is no physical abuse in my case. But is int emotional abuse? I feel like he is simply using me for his benefit. It is very difficult to live like roommates with that feeling. If he was the one who contribute financially I would not have felt that way I guess. Only concern I have is about kids. Thats what worries me. How long I can sacrifice my life for him or kids or everyone in the family & live like this without peace of mind. I am clue less to whom should I talk and who can give a clear idea. Thats why I am exploring all these here.
     
  5. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Shreema , your reply here would be important for someone contemplating a separation to read. It’s important to take time, plan slowly and get a basic idea of how things will be if one goes ahead with the separation. Go ahead only when there is no doubt. I wish you the best !

     
  6. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @Rosegarden, you are dealing with three distinct issues:

    1) Your DH's virtual infidelity and possible addiction. You can't fix this for him. He's the one who has to get help for himself.

    2) Your reaction to his addiction.
    A good counselor can help you find a constructive way of reacting to his behavior. Counseling can help stop the adverse effects on your physical and mental health.

    3) Your marriage — whether to stay or leave.
    Counseling can help you choose the right option for you and to move forward either way.

    If you decide to continue in the marriage, couple counseling could help you both. But that would need his participation.

    Short answer: Counseling helps you get clarity. A good counselor will not make decisions for you.
     
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  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP

    Sorry for the late response, that I have seen your thread just a while ago only.

    When I read only your OP, I felt very similar to what @silentlisterner has quoted above.
    I thought you might be excessively possessive and blowing things out of proportion or being orthodox here.
    But I was wrong. Your responses below clearly says the form of infidelity your H is involved right now.

    Yes, he is having some extra marital affair, both mentally and possibly physically with others (real woman both known and unknown).
    This is unacceptable in any marriage.
    It is one thing to visit **** sites and have some addiction, but it is very different if you indulge in sex chat with real people like friend or colleague or others at this rate.
    You have confronted this with him, and his response was very vague and I know that he tried to be clever here.

    If I were you, I would make my confrontation very strong to make him accept that what he was doing amounts to EMA, and cheating, and hence it is not acceptable. Therefore, it can be a cause for separation.
    Instead of telling him how you feel about it or how you suffer due to it, it is important to notify how and why he was wrong.

    See whether he accepts it or not.

    1) If he accepts, then make him find a solution whether to stop all this right away and return to your life as a normal husband (of course after counselling sessions)
    2) Or continue the same after legally divorcing you

    He can't have the cake and eat it too. He has to chose what he wants.
    You may give him ultimatums like informing his parents/family as a cause of divorce etc should he decide to continue the same while keeping you in his family.

    Even if you are fragile about the thought of divorce, show him as if you can't take this **** anymore. Be brave, or at least act brave.

    Speak to him right away and see what he wants.
    In any case, if he wants to live with you, then make him accept his wrong doing and promise to change. Make him report to you at least for the next couple of years of whatever the interactions he has with others, due to the damage he has caused to this marriage.
    Make him understand that he has to earn the trust all over again.
    And if he says yes to all this, you may consider counselling to see whether you can move on from here.
    If not, better divorce and prepare for a life without him.
     
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  8. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks @Amica and @SGBV for your replies. Yes, all of your comments and my counselors feedback helped me to take a strong stand this time. Based on counselors suggestion I send him a well prepared letter in email and hard copy with three conditions. 1) work on the marriage , but with full transparency & go for counselling 2) separation, he has to move out. I don't want to live him under the same roof or 3) mutual divorce. Look like he never expected that I will proceed this way. I was afraid how he is going to react. I also told him in the letter that I informed his parents and counselor. He felt very bad that I told his parents. To my surprise, he agree to go for counselling. He said he will sacrifice his happiness and self esteem for kids, even though he took some time to decide. Anyway, I dont know what is going to happen. I ignore him completely, not talking, only message regarding kids. I don't know what is going to happen. At least he agreed to go for counselling. Thanks everyone for giving me strength &support.
     
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  9. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    "sacrificing" his happiness? Could he be real?
    He really doesnt believe that he is doing something wrong. Counselling will certainly help. Good luck.
     
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  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Exactly... Sacrificing his happiness??/ really??
    Looks like he believes he is right, and his EMAs are just mere happiness, but you are taking it wrongly. So, he sacrifice his happiness to make you comfortable... What is this?

    Tell him clearly, perhaps as a reply to whatever he said.. That he doesn't have to sacrifice anything for the family, but it is a must the he respects the boundaries, and behave accordingly.
    Having an EMA may be his happiness, but it is not accepted in any marriage.
    So, he must accept his unacceptable behavior first before he makes any attempts to change
     
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