OP You should start therapy as soon as possible. Start with any therapist and they will recommend more. I can feel your depression and pain. Your kids will be fine. Tell your husband to rent apartment near your house. Your husband will to help you around to raise kids because its his fault not yours. Tell him you have all the proof and if he want to keep his image in front of kids and society he has to work on separation and mutual agreements. You both can be good parents living nearby and you will get peace of mind after therapy and separation. Also hypnosis is one option to forget painful memories, gain confidence etc. Please don't suffer, its not your fault. There is life after divorce.