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Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Sunshine04, May 1, 2017.

  1. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Hugs dear, i didnt mean to insinuate anything.

    We have been conditioned to thing like that, and sub consciously we do it. We have been by repeatedly told that by society that "fair is lovely", "dark is ugly" in so many many ways. The media and advertisements do it's part to perpetuate this -all, fair and dark and shades in-between people have subconsciously made to feel that is the truth. We even make statements like "she is very dark but she is still beautiful" as if that is an oxymoron.
    So let us start small just with us. Let us celebrate our skin what ever shade that may be . May be in a few generations black , brown , yellow , white and pink will just be colours not qualifications

    And it is true, we have to thank for some of the troubles we face it life - painful though it is, they make us stronger better humans.
     
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  2. Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I was reading your response and telling myself that your story was running so parallel to mine. My PILs are very conservative as well. DH's family environment was stark opposite of what I was brought up in. They expected the DIL to be a very domestic, conservative girl living by customs and traditions. Whereas I came from an educated family and I had a great career myself and was very independent minded and had no tolerance for someone telling me what to do, how to do things. And, that's when all the friction started. And over the years, we have almost accepted that things cannot work out between us because I cannot live by their ways and they don't agree with mine. So, my relationship with PILs is almost broken. DH is a nice person and he sees it the same way too and does not push us to get along as he sees no possibility of that going well. But, in your case I am happy to read that you accepted each other's differences and found a middle ground. That is awesome!!
    Sometimes I feel sad about this part of my life (my relation with PIL's) not working out, but I am not sure what I could have done differently as I still cannot imagine living with them by their old ways and their living styles. This part of my life almost changed my belief that 'Every problem has a solution!!' really does it?
     
  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Its ok.I too have the same issues.
     
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  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I am not sure whether every problem has a solution or not. But I can tell you from my experience that a solution comes from how you react to the problem.
    In my case, I do not live with PILs under one roof. But we live very close by.
    I live my life as per my ways, and I am always open to suggestions and advice. But I am clear that the decision should be done by me, that too after thorough analysis. So that I will not regret if it goes wrong too.
    That's why I felt irritated when PILs interfered and shove their advises down my throat, as if I do not know anything.
    They haven't changed much. Even today my MIL was advising me something about how to start the bike (Seriously). But I've learned to ignore that, and let it pass without taking it to my heart. I did what I believe to be right.
    She must have felt bad since I did not take her advice seriously. But I wasn't nasty or dis respective either. I patiently listened, smiled confidently and moved on, but did something different from what she told. So there is nothing that she could blame on me. She too chose to ignore this bit and moved on.
    This is almost an everyday happening at our place.
    I am sure, this lady will visit us in the eve with some crispy banana bachi and ask me to eat while it is still hot. I too will complement her cooking thankfully.
    So, the end of the day both of us will rest with peace.

    Earlier, I would feel extremely suppressed with such advises as I felt some indirect force to obey them. I would obey them against my heart and keep the hatred/grudge for a long time.
    Even if I obey, my initial rejection would seem bigger in my MIL's eyes as if I was disrespectful.
    So, she would cook bachis only for her son and not for me. Or cook something I hate to eat. Or at least I would think that she does this purposely to irritate me.
    And with the grudge in mind, I would refuse her offering/food and that would create another drama over it.
    That time, we both felt we were right, and hated each other. Sadly my H/her son made it worse by acting neutral.

    But in fact, a mere ignorance changed everything towards better relationship.
     
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  5. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    g
    when u said u ignored wat mil said abt the bike to start n wen u did something without answering her even she ignored it but how would u react if both mil n Fil would ask u y did u not listen wat I said bcz mine do not the exact same situation but every silly stuff in day to day base..
     
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  6. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    ignore again and stay away from them
     
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  7. boldnbutiful

    boldnbutiful Silver IL'ite

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    It is not very easy to ignore esp when fil is also involved and mil is a revengeful person in my case ...she buys wat shoes I buy what dresses I buy and dictated the same. .pil from very a small town they want me to where all chamak chamak clothes but I dun like them
    so when I wear plain cotton Kurt I she comes and says where nice dresses
     
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  8. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Seems like she is imitating you and wants to wear things that you wear. It might be deeper than that, and she's able to wear these things because even you are wearing it. I would take that as a compliment, even if it annoyed me a little.
     
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  9. boldnbutiful

    boldnbutiful Silver IL'ite

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    True. One funny incident is one day during my pregnancy I was . complaining of severe back pain she comes and say I too have very severe back pain ...I felt like saying are u too pregnant my lady
     
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  10. arpha08

    arpha08 New IL'ite

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    Same here staying together with IL's just for the sake of it. My heart is broken and it pains so much when I recollect instances where they have provoked my DH against me. Initially he used to feel that I am the one who is not getting along with them well. Now he understood that there is problem with my MIL too. And hence he doesnt force me to gel up with them.
    Sometimes even I feel bad about the situation. But there is always fear in my mind that they would again make me to go back to square one if I start to get along with them. But then again I end up thinking that there has to be some initiative from the other side too to get along. And hence I back off.

    But end of the day I am always there for them when they are need of any kind of support
     
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