Difficult Situation, What To Do

I am the mother of a college bound kid. Have been having problems in married life because of over interference of inlaws. Couple of years back, I completely stopped entertaining his guests and talking to his parents because they were basically running our lives from ecen thousands of miles away. From then on they use every opportunity to fill his years and now feel he is just their puppet. We live as bitter roommates and as I am slowly adjusting to this new situation a new problem started. In our last india visit, inlaws noticed kids are very close to me, now they keep filling him to get close to kids otherwise no one will take care of him in old age. My husband is implementing this advice in such a bad way, not realizing he is ruining their life. Teenage kids want freedom and irresponsible about several things and he interferes in everything when I am strict with them. He wants to be the nicer parent by just letting them do what they want. He gets some sadistic pleasure when they argue with me and adds fuel to it by feeding them she is like that only, did this and this to
My relatives and me. How do I even deal with this situation? I can see the kids manipulating the situation and the distance growing. I don't care if he gets closer to them but am just concerned where this will lead to and how they will be impacted. Everytime I try to explain not to use them for his agenda, either he doesn't get it or is happy he pulled them away from me.

 

Sometimes just writing down here clears your mind I feel. Thanks for your post, it provided the much needed support. Definitely need to handle the situation in a very wise manner, especially not giving an opportunity to in-laws to involve too much in our lives. Everything fine for now, but from past experience the moment I let my guard down a new situation occurs.

 

The problem is he receives lot of one side counselling from his parents and they have lot of conspiracy theories because of holding back their interference.
He is of the mindset all the counselors in US may favor women too. So called well wishers in India tend to talk from a male perspective. My inlaws did want to have such panchayats and neither me or my family encourage that at all.
So now being passive aggressive with kids. For example: I take care of shopping, all their schedules, etc.
But he does drive and drop and pick them up mainly because I have to take care of house, cooking, dishes, clothes, managing cleaners, handymen too. And the most damage done during this time. For example: he has flexibility during work so he goes and drops them during lunch for an activity. It has been just happening for a week, already kids started saying when he can do why you can't and all.
He brainwashes them somehow that it is he who is taking all the trouble for them.
I am having mother daughter counselling first starting next week. Couples counseling, I feel once his dad stops, we maybe back to normal. Until then, noone can undo their effect. He loves the kids, but his dad is more powerful maybe than even that love and plus they are capable of convincing what they are saying is for the good of both him and the kids. It is just so much venom they are spewing, even a few drops here and there is enough to cause havoc.

 

We both came in late 90's, both from very humble backgrounds. First few years, we not only had to take care of ourselves but provide all expenses and home for his family and help my family till my own siblings settle. We had some differences initially but not as much because not lot of extended family of his were in US. When my inlaws came too it was like they were king of the house, spent how much they wanted, did whatever they want. Fortunately we both did very well career wise so didn't mind at that time and everything much cheaper in India and here compared to now.
Unfortunately now, our expenses have increased. Kid going to a good college with high tuition fee and don't want to deny her that opportunity. We did sell some property in India for it which was bought with money we sent in early 2000's and appreciated very well, and the money is with in-laws which they don't ever openly say they don't want to give but definitely that is one of their issue they have with me. They think their son doesn't care but dil wants it. Plus, now lot of extended family coming to US, with that comes their boasting about their visits to kids and gifts, etc. My in-laws always want to project they are not money minded and they care more for relationships and all, which I initially thought so too. But slowly, their insecurities, comparisons with their own brothers, sisters, are surfacing(who were very poor at the time of our marriage but kids came here in the last 20 years and doing better now) and definitely not liking they don't have the same freehand in our lives as before. Plus lot of emotional blackmailing with my husband that he is not taking care of his parents. Yes, we are in our 40's and now we have all these. Just shows how complex human relationships can be.