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Did My Friend Cross Boundaries?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by kavya007, Feb 14, 2020.

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  1. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    Got your point :thumbsup:.
    Did you get mine on your friend?
     
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  2. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    @BhumiBabe Nope, I don't want to villify my friend. As you can see the sentence highlighted in my last post A human being came to sincerely help me but unfortunately we parted in a bitter note. My anguish is over the fact that we parted on a bitter note.

    @heron Yes, Thank you. I think I may mostly not be in touch with her. I find her personality hard to handle.
     
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  3. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    I understand this point. You have every right to keep your private life private. But somewhere in this incident I feel your anger is misplaced. Your actions and your thoughts seem to conflicting each other. You need your ex to help you out at home but at the same time you are angry at your friend for suggesting him to share bedroom with you. The anger might stem from the fact that she is making you to revisit some uncomfortable emotions. Only you know as individual what went on that night. As a reader I would any day forgive this friend. I really don't think any of her actions were to hurt you . She might have thought she was helping you. Conveying that over a nice lunch or coffee is more appropriate than doing over phone.
     
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  4. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Mangaii,

    I did not ask my ex to help me at home. In fact even day before surgery I told him not to come. But he calls me the morning of the surgery and told me he is coming after dropping my son off at school. I was hurrying up to the surgical center and I had no interest in debating with him. After the surgery expectation was that general anesthesia will wear off and I will go off home in 1-2 hours as expected. But every time I tried to sit up in the hospital bed my BP would drop 20 points. I just could not sit up without feeling very dizzy and I had severe vomiting. Finally the doctors came to visit me and did an ECG. Since I had a prior history of fainting they wanted to make sure there is no issue with my heart. My ex knows more about my medical history then anybody else. In case something ever happens to me I can only reach out to him to see my son.

    After the surgery I specifically asked my friend not to ask my ex to stay over for the night since there were other friends ready to come in to help. The other friends who were willing to come were my close friends whom I have known from my high school days. In the night in my bedroom in front of me she tells my ex to stay. I looked at her bewildered because it was opposite of my specific instruction. She tells my ex in front of me "It is okay even if Kavya looks at me". Now this is clearly overstepping my boundaries in my own house. I don't like this big sister attitude. It would have been better if this girl had consulted with me before taking decisions on my behalf which I was not in agreement with. No matter how helpful a person maybe I don't like someone being so intrusive in my life. But I did not say anything at that time nor planned to bring it up with her. I was wearing off effects of anesthesia and not in the mood to say anything to anyone.

    Thanks,
    Kavya.
     
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Once you do things like:
    - share about fainting at work & having to call ex,
    - accept friend's help because she insists,
    - let her come and stay at the hospital for so many hours,
    - let her drive you home after the surgery
    (getting a patient into a car after foot surgery is a ceremony by itself)
    - let her stay overnight

    it is almost a given that the person will start to think it is ok to take certain liberties. That she almost forced you to take her help becomes irrelevant. When you let someone do the above things, they will don the 'big sister' hat and take over the sleeping arrangements in your house. You had the chance to stop this by thanking her for the offer but saying you are all set. Take responsibility for accepting help. Don't put it on her with a "Since she offered strongly ..."
    If you belong to the set of people who "don't like people overly intruding in my personal life"* then you have to avoid taking help from others unless absolutely no other option.

    Not criticizing you in anyway or saying that you cannot criticize your friend's actions : ) rather I'm stating how these "take help" situations can progress. I've seen it myself over the years. Like, a friend comes to help with your kid's birthday party from 11 am to night -- she might override some of your preferences about how the birthday games and cake cutting etc should go. She might serve tea to the adults before you had planned to or more times than you like to. : )

    * I am sometimes in that category.
     
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  6. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Rihanna,

    I do get what you are saying however I don't agree with it. Right after she laughed on my face when I told her about the fainting episode I maintained my distance from her. I opened up only when she brought it up in the last phone call. She called me the day before my surgery to ask me for a favor but I told her I cannot oblige since I have a surgery coming up the very next day. Now indeed if this girl was close or I was planning to lean on her I would have informed her about the surgery and asked her for help ahead of time. I volunteered this information to her only because I could not oblige her favor the day before my surgery. This girl also knew it was an elective surgery. I had ample time to prepare for it. I would not have told her just the day before. This girl immediately offers to help. Nice of her but I tried to stress only to do bare minimum. My close friends knew I may need help and even otherwise I was prepared to handle it independently. I told her that as well.

    I don't agree she has a say on sleeping arrangements at my home especially when it comes to my ex. None of my other friends overstep boundaries like this nor would I ever do it. My policy is help a person as much as they need help. Ask them how they want to be supported. Don't end up being overbearing and nosey. I clearly specified my instructions to her and she disregarded it. When someone is sick and recovering from surgery there should be some respect for their feelings and wishes to help them feel comfortable. I did not question her or make a big deal about it afterwards. When she brought it up I shared my feelings. She can't question me about my ex. It is not her concern. And if she feels it's okay to laugh at another persons face when they share problems then she should realize the other person will maintain a distance. Giving a sermon is not the answer. Anyway I have made peace with this. Thanks for your input.

    Regards,
    Kavya
     
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  7. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I am in the minority here. I think you should let things be and move on. There is a reason why your ex is an ex , you should not have to share a room with him if you don’t want to.
    The laughing would not be the breaking point of a friendship but someone not respecting certain boundaries could be a valid reason. You and your friend are on different paths spiritually and otherwise.
    Stop guilting yourself. Heal physically and mentally. Simply, move on .
     
  8. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

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    No, ur friend didnt cross the boundaries. In fact you did not set the boundaries properly. There was no need to call your ex husband in any of the emergency situations. You could have easily relied on your other friends.

    I feel you confused your friend in many ways. You considered your ex to be of help(for surgery) because he is a strong guy and could help in case of need. Your friend could also have thought on the same lines that being a strong man he could help incase of an emergency in the night.

    If you could call him to the hospital there was nothing awkward to share the room with him for one night (since u had lived with him for 17 years, 1 night doesnt make much of a difference) or otherwise she would have felt more awkward to share the room with a friends ex.

    Ignore the friends mistake. You are definitely not on the same page as her. So dont disclose much or involve her much in your personal matters.
     
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  9. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Thanks for your input. I think you did not read my messages correctly. I did not call my ex to be with me at the surgery. I told him not to come and he still came. Later when I was having complications after anesthesia I did not explicitly ask any help from my ex. I could even barely get out of the hospital bed. He accompanied me back to my home and helped me get into wheel chair because he had rented it and it was in his car. I did not ask him to rent wheel chair. When someone wears out of anesthesia they are very groggy and in my case I was having other complications as well. I just had to be careful not to put any weight on my operated foot. I did not consciously think “Oh my ex is stronger than my friend let me rely on him”.

    When I fainted I was really dazed when I regained consciousness. I was talking to colleagues and I fainted mid conversation and fell down. When the paramedics were called all my colleagues were around when my vitals were checked. Everyone was shocked. After all the vitals seemed okay I told the paramedics I don’t want to go to the emergency. Even though my colleagues offered to drop me back home probably for safety reasons my manager asked me to call my husband. My manager said it in front of all my colleagues. I could not tell in front of everyone that I am going through a divorce and so obeyed my manager and called my ex. My manager did not even let me go to the office lobby to meet my ex. He badged him in and accompanied my ex to my desk. My ex works near my office and my close friends whom I could rely on work quite far off. I was too embarrassed and dazed to even think about other options. Later that evening I came down with a very nasty infection. So I was falling very sick.

    In any case I have made peace with this incident and decided to let this friendship go. I am the sort of person who needs my space and privacy. This friend called me the day before surgery asking for a favor and that’s when I told her I can’t oblige because I have a surgery the next day. I did not voluntarily tell her any information or reach out to her for help. After she laughed at me about the fainting incident I politely kept my distance from her. She was not in my close circle. I don’t see how the relationship with my ex is my friends business. Who I sleep with or don’t sleep with in my house is not for my friend to decide. My mom and my close friends were there to help me out. I specifically made an instruction not to ask my ex to stay back and this girl over ruled it without even checking with me. I did not even bring it up until this girl opened up to tell me she felt sometimes our conversations seem difficult. Until then I had only thanked this girl for all her help.

    I do try to maintain an amicable relationship with my ex primarily because we share custody of a son. I wanted to set a good example to my son that even if a couple divorces they can still be civil. For me that is the right way to live. This attitude helped me solve my divorce in a collaborative and cost efficient manner. It also greatly helped my son adjust to divorce more easily. My son is a teenager and he has to share living arrangements at both mom and dad’s home. Both teenage and divorce are difficult stages in a child’s life.

    My friend may probably find my dealings with my ex unique because in her case her divorce was extremely bitter. I know both she and her ex wasted a lot of money and energy on legal battles. Their situation was extremely unfortunate. We are all navigating different journeys in life. My relationship with my ex is something exclusively concerning my son and me. It is not for everyone to judge and get involved. That is why I also got irritated when my friend was questioning me about my relationship with my ex. It is just not her business. Anyway I have made peace with this incident. I guess for me at this point in life I want to heal and take my life forward as I see right. Anyway thanks for taking the time to respond.

    Regards,
    Kavya
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2020
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  10. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    The op has already written everything clearly. What's the need to bash her .
    Posters read all her posts and then respond.
     
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