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Did My Friend Cross Boundaries?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by kavya007, Feb 14, 2020.

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  1. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Not picking on you, but it seems like your friend had a hard time following your instructions and you had a miserable time making it clear that you don't want to be with your ex. If you do not want it, tell her again until she understands. Or may be she doesn't have all of the information to exactly understands what is between you and your ex. Further, If you do not want your ex to be in your bed room, tell him that. Will he force himself to your room? This seems to be more like the lack of strict instructions from your side. Sorry to say that. If you do not want to be with someone 100%, stick with it no matter what the circumstances come. Keep it black and white when it comes to what help you should ask, or not to ask your ex. From what you have written, you still have soft corner for your ex and there is no fault in that.
     
    Topaz49, Thyagarajan, shravs3 and 3 others like this.
  2. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    She did overstep her boundaries.
    But she couldn't have guessed, your ex would be snoring and not helping you.
    You should have told your mom to sleep with you.
    Else she and your ex seems to have helped you in the hour of need.
     
  3. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Op

    you mentioned about being single mom. But you didn’t mention who look after kids during and after your surgery. Your friend might have called your ex for kids. Give her benefit of doubt this time. Since she is socially awkward she behaved immature. It’s good you told her clearly. Don’t feel bad now. She may realize her mistakes. And you are right she may have soft corner for your husband and may have tried to patch up. Whatever happened just forget and forgive and heal sooner
     
  4. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Folks,

    Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my thread. Now let us not confuse my relationship with my ex (soon-to-be-ex) and the actual issue at hand. I don't like to hurt a person especially when they are going through a turbulent time in their life. If I cannot help someone I prefer to stay away rather than hurting them in anyway. Nor I am the sort who wants to take advantage of a person and be ungrateful. I try to be as independent as possible. I like my space and do guard my privacy. Since I am going through a divorce I need the space to process my own feelings.

    I know this girl has gone through a bitter divorce. She is definitely not malicious. We connected through a single moms group. I had also in the beginning shared with her the circumstances of my divorce. Later when I realized I cannot handle certain nuances of her personality like laughing when a person shares problems I decided it is best to maintain distance from her. So we do not meet each other regularly or talk on the phone. It was an occasional Hi/Bye on the phone. It so happened she called me the day before my surgery and she was persistent in offering help. Knowing I may not be comfortable with her overbearing nature I did push back a bit. I wanted to see if I can manage on my own. But she was overly insistent. I was planning to take an Uber to the surgical center and I repeatedly told this friend not to even come all the way to my home and drive me. But she insisted. She came, she stayed and she helped. After that she came twice unannounced to check on me for groceries. I did not take any help from her. My mom and I treated her graciously, thanked her for her help and we left it at that.

    Even that time I had politely told her that sometimes when she laughs it creates confusion/unwanted hurt in the mind of the other person. She brushed it off saying she is beyond all that and her intention is all noble and good. She thinks of me like a little sister blah blah. This girl is the same age as mine but gets a little too preachy at times. I wanted to politely maintain a distance from this friend because I knew our personalities would not gel. I prefer my space and I realized she has difficulty in understanding boundaries. In our last phone call since she had brought it up I also shared my feelings on why our conversations are sometimes difficult. I told her about how I found her laugh during the fainting episode hurtful. She became defensive that no one, not even her ex had commented that her laughter is inappropriate !! And then she went on and on questioning my actions with my ex. My relationship with my ex is not her business. I had seen a therapist for sometime to hash out my feelings and chose to divorce after careful consideration. It is something very personal and private. My relationship with my ex spans 17 years with lots of highs and lows and I hardly have any interaction with this girl. So who is she to question me? Anyway the conversation ended in a bitter note and that is my anguish. A human being came to sincerely help me but unfortunately we parted in a bitter note.

    I have felt a lot of compassion for this girl in the past but I did not know how to help her. I encouraged her to see therapist, support groups. I myself had used services of therapist and support groups. She said she found her solace through Vipassana meditation (Buddhist meditation). At times I felt this girl was still healing from her agony. Her divorce was extremely bitter. Added to that she barely had any support from her own family. She has a very old mother and alcoholic dad. She was not in good terms with her only brother, who lives in Canada. She told me there was physical abuse in her marriage as well but she did not consider it a big deal. At some point I felt this girl does not understand healthy relationships and boundaries.

    This girl shared with me that she felt it was her calling in life to become a nun. She was close to some Buddhist nuns. I am also spiritual but I like to maintain a balance in life. We both practice similar spiritual practices (Buddhist meditation) but I had no intention of becoming a nun. This girl has an adorable 7 year old little girl and I wondered what would happen to her daughter if she becomes a nun. I told her once or twice that going this path may not be in the best interests of her daughter and then dropped the matter.

    Even in the last phone call this friend shared what she did in her recent India trip. In Buddhist texts there is a meditation practice for senior monks where they observe death in crematorium/graveyard to understand the impermanence of life. This is meant for senior monks to understand impermanence of the body and not for lay people. I had no interest in this macabre meditation. In the last phone call this friend told me in her last India trip she went to crematorium watched the entire funeral process and felt she deeply understood about life. She said she likes to visit graveyards. Obviously her parents were very upset with what she did !! I have deeply spiritual friends who have been doing Vipassana meditation for 35+ years and don't talk the way she talks. Thanks for taking the time to read my long post. I hope I could have ended ties with this girl in a better way. It is very unfortunate.

    Regards,
    Kavya.
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2020
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  5. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    My son was at my ex's home. His parents were taking care of my son. BTW my son is 13 and quite independent. No issues there.
     
  6. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    You need to accept in life people come in different form and shape . I will any day consider her as friend even with all her faults because physically being available to help someone without any pay back is actually a noble thought. I feel you are still coming in terms of divorce and some of her actions might have triggered your emotions. If possible patch up with her but maintain distance. Never loose a friend for difference of personality. I didn't find any thing that should lead to end this relationship in bitter note. Take your time. Maybe it was a rough night. Just give it some time and see how you feel about this friendship. Even if you don't like her just part ways with good note . Acceptance and forgiveness are part and parcel of life.
     
  7. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Agreed her actions did trigger my emotions. It is one of the reasons why I guard my privacy regarding my personal details with all my friends. I am also in a healing phase and I need the space to hash out my own feelings. I don't like people overly intruding in my personal life. I did tell her on the phone call I don't want our paths to cross.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  8. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    You posed a question to the group. We expressed our thoughts regarding what you shared. There’s no judgement on your actions, we all know that only you know the full situation. If you think that we are supposed to villify your awkward ex-friend, that would not be right. If there is a personality clash, please accept that she isn’t able to provide the support that you need and keep your distance.
     
    Topaz49, Thyagarajan and heron like this.
  9. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    I am impressed!.
    You got your ex H's parents to help you with the kid!. I cant get my H's parents to do that. Aanyway...

    Your friend seems to be kind and is offering unstoppable help, rare to find now a days. But you seem to have your valid reasons to be annoyed, so for peace to prevail: Stop informing her about anything that might trigger her offering help.
     
  10. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    I did not get my ex parents to help with my kid. I have no communication with my ex-in-laws. My ex and I share 50-50 custody of my son. That is how my ex always wanted it and I never battled with him on it.
     
    heron likes this.
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