DH very supportive but fed up of MIL, can't take it anymore, plz advice..

Hi thegoodlife

Since you cannot leave the joint family system i suggest you also try a little fakeness and innocence on your part too. When she says this didnt cook right... You can smilingly say "Ma in 25 yrs i hope i will be as good as you!" Make sure others hear your praise of her. Even when she makes it seem like she did all the work, butter her up and say ma i dont know how you have the energy! Also ask her about her life, how it was when she got married, her sibling etc once in awhile. People like to talk about tjemselves and hopefully she will see you in a better light. As your dh is supportive dont get him involved or complain to him. Carry on your gym routine and ignore her sulkiness regarding it. Always keeping quiet will only make you upset just being with her too.
Its not easy to live with another woman who still wants to run the household the way they used too. Be thankful she helps and not decided to sit back now dil is there. Be a little smart and tactful in the beginning of your marriage and
later it will get easier.

 

Hi TGL, y don't u send ur MIL to some satsang kind of thing? If there is something like that around, may be ur MIL would be busy in that and you can have some peace of mind till the time she is not around! Also take some part time teaching classes (like play-schools) where u can spend sometime away from ur MIL and u can also give time to household work. If convince ur hubby and get a job, u will have some peaceful time and u can meet people apart from the family. And u have to be clever in stopping ur MIL from nagging u abt work. If u work, get gifts for ur MIL from ur salary (u have to be tactful, don't raise lots of expectations but get something she needs) so that she feels that u do care for her and she won't bug u for being working. You can't listen all that as u will go crazy, better be clever and find a way to get out of it somehow.

 

Hello Dear,
I can understans your frustration dear spending all the morning and afternoon in lunch and related tasks and then starting for dinner. Its like no time to relax which could be one more reason you are taking it so hard as you have no time to let the thoughts go. Just some time nap or TV or music can be a good idea to start with.

For the taunts, if you think there's something not done correctly, just tell her you would keep that in mind next time. I know these silly mistakes happen with all of us but just to calm her down say so. Then she can't continue and if she does, she will look like the nagging one.

Even I think staying separate would be best for all your peace of mind but if you can't do that, use it to make her stop. I know its not a very nice thing to do and almost borders on blackmail but what can we do? Tell her the constant problems between you two (from both sides don't say she is the only one to blame) are messing with the peace in the family so it'd be better to live separate but for the sake of BIL's you are avoiding it. And there's a limit so if things escalate, you might have to think about it seriously. Maybe she'll take the hint and back off. BUT first discuss it with your DH and take him in confidence.
Stay Happy
Vaidehi

 

Hi Goody

My dear I really felt like you were showing me my past and present in a mirror.

I had the same situation as I had my daughter and was home after delivery for 6 months. Prior to delivery she my MIL came 3 months in advance and are since then permanent with us. We lived for 9 years independent and then this happened. I was forced to work not for the money but to avoid the drama.

Coming to your solution. I would say keeping yourself occupied with hobbies work is best. Also with time slowly explain to your husband that in long term this is not healthy. It takes away most precious time off your life thinking and sorting issues. Is this worth it? Ask your Dh this. Once you have family this will get worse as you will also get a lot from your MIL comparing how she raised her children and how you are doing. Your DH has to know how you feel. He is probably thinking with time you will adjust to each other but no it will not happen. This will start affecting your relationship. And also hard to sulk over this.

Sorry it may not happen same for you... but just saying out of experience when MIL is like this it could happen.

Your husband will understand if he agrees with you and who.says relationship is cut off when you separate? Atleast you will have a better relation as you won't be in each others face and will probably have a better time when you meet. It won't be rosy but you both will have your space.

In todays world a husband and wife relationship works with out issues is enough. You can't keep all happy. As one of the post said with time your Mil will realise.



Good luck sure you are trying. Keep hope all will be ok.

 

Hi again Goody

No I have not separated yet but can see a bright light in the end if my tunnel....

My DH has told them being a man that we all need to separate and he is ready to settle them v close to home so they can still have us but none of this non sense.

They have not taken it too well..its been 4 months since they are told but they are taking their time. I am getting taunts and told every other day about how I am separating the family. But I don't care anymore.


My DH has had enough as its affecting out children. So now no more. He is standing his ground this time. My MIL feels really bad that his son is on my side but hey he is on the peace side not mine really.

End.of the day which DH or DS want to come home to clashes? He wants peace for all and I think as parents we are doing the right thing by ensuring our children don't have to.see this side. They have good memories of grand parents.

My inlaws are currently making up their mind on what to do. We have openly said what ever they plan we will look after them but staying under one roof is no more healthy. We will get them another house.... kids and we can visit often and yet look after each other
Let's see what happens . I will keep you posted if they go back.or.decide to.stay here but under a another roof Atleast a kilometre away. Ha. Ha ha.

Wish it was easy to say . I do.care for them but not their evil thoughts. happy to look after them after all what has been given but not.ready to.carry the burden of taunts and having my parents dragged into everything wrong they think I have done.

Sorry for the long post. Just got a little carried away.