DH & His BIL Problem

AnanyaAjay · Jan 20, 2012

Hi friends,

My DH doesn't like his BIL, i.e., his sister's husband. None in my IL's family likes him but because of my SIL we all are adjusting and talking to their family for the sake of it. But not my DH. He hates all of them in my SIL's family for their behavior with my SIL... Main problem is my SIL tells every single problem in her family to my ILs and they get tensed for everything. I think she should not tell all the things to them as they will be worried. She can only tell if its worst and she can't handle. Its a big story and Fact is my DH doesn't talk to him or any of them in SIL family. My MIL always scolds my DH for not being nice to them. My DH never agrees to speak to him.

Now the problem is we have come to US on an onsite assignment. We will go back to India in May. We have bought gifts for my sisters and his sister too. Also for my BIL and my co-sis. But he never agreed for buying gift for his BIL. Coz he hates him like anything. For this reason he requested me not to buy any gifts to my jiju's (sisters hubby) because if we buy for them, my MIL will scold him as we bought for my family but not for his own BIL. :bonk

Today my FIL called me and requested me to convince him to buy something for his son in law. I told your son won't agree for this. He told me to somehow convince for SIL's sake... and not to tell that he has told me this...

I don't know how to tell my DH.. I can't talk on his BIL's favor.. He will get angry on me... :rantI too dont want to buy anything for him... Just for IL's sake I want to give something and get piece of mind... But I am 100% sure my DH wont agree to buy anything...

Your suggestions???

P.s: My ILs are also no different from other usual ILs.. But the differance is I don't create a big issue like my SIL.. If I start making issues then for every one hour I will have one issue...:hide:

archana2008 · Jan 20, 2012

You dont have to convince anything to your DH.
But do inform your FIL that you tried your best to convince your DH and he did not agree BINGO!

AnanyaAjay · Jan 20, 2012

Hmm Archana, I can do that...

My FIL also mentioned that he doesn't want to get serious with DH.. Coz if he gets serious then I don't know what will happen... If DH doesn't agree its a problem for him.. My FIL and MIL will scold him... He will feel down... Unwillingly he will have to buy anything for him... Don't know how far this will go...

We won't have piece of mind at the end of the day coz of my SIL and MIL... Thats the FAct..

aries1204 · Jan 20, 2012

Wow ..its like my family story ..My sil always complians on her inlaws from what they told to what they meant.
every detail of her family life is being rerecorded in phone when she calls my inlaws. My PIL's inturn keep cribbing every min in a day as to how their daughter is not happy and how mean her inlaws are . But better part is my DH Ignores most of their talks now. In the end he does not have a good bond with them nor his BIL because of this.
But My inlaws always want to send gifts and buy soo much stuff in the name of formality to her inlwas and also their daughter,They also expect my DH to talk to them in a good way which is soo uncomfortable for him as he has been hearing only bad stories about them.

I think you should talk to husband about how rude it will be if you ignore to buy any gift for your BIL. Instead why dont you buy a collective gift to your SIL's home or something where you dont have to worry about individual gifts.

archana2008 · Jan 20, 2012

May be just buy 2 perfumes and keep it as extras in case you missed someone in the list (tell this reason to your DH). once you are in India, and your SIL comes to collect gifts this extra perfume might be helpful as a gift to her husband. your husband might be ok giving an extra thing to his BIL, but not buying something special for him.

AnanyaAjay · Jan 20, 2012

thanks friends, they are really wonderful suggestions..

Aries, Urs was real good point to buy collective gift. But we have already bought earrings for SIL so again buying a gift for their family my H wont agree... Lets c...

Archana,

Yeah I will do exactly like what u said. But u knw what the problem is, my PILs will keep on asking me abt what gift we bought, and if we say perfume, she will not accept it... Oho!! Big headache this is... Coz of him even my jijus also are not receiving any gifts... :-(

archana2008 · Jan 20, 2012

Ananya, when your PILs keep on asking, then you keep on saying ayyo i am still trying to convince your son. they dont have to know every thing that you guys do. draw a line now or else in future your life will be in trouble telling each and every thing to them why? do you tell them details like today your son hugged me and all. no right. there is a line to what you inform elders and what not. after landing in India, you can say in the last minute we bought these perfumes from your mouth dont even say it is for BIL. when they see no option then this perfume bottle itself will be like a big thing for them. Good Luck!

Always try to think what is your final destination, getting gift right. dont think of all problems, they will keep on coming. when your mind is set on buying you will end up buying somehow and whatever item(perfume is just an example i gave)

AnanyaAjay · Jan 20, 2012

Thanks Archana, Now i m feeling relaxed. I think its waste to think of this now... Let him buy or not buy for his BIL if my PILs ask me I will just tell something and let them handle with their son... For other topics they won't include me but when they want something then only they will come to me (They never spoke to me abt their daughter's marital problem- if we asked anything they ignored it and they thought that we are taking fun inthis by asking what happened) After that I never ask abt my SIL to anyone even my hubby....
So I won't interfere inthis... Let them face the consequences.. I wish my DH tells his opinion on the face of them,,,

payasa · Jan 21, 2012

I'd say, don't do something that your husband strongly feels about. For you, this might be a small thing, but for your DH, it might not. You can just lie to your FIL that you couldn't at all convince DH to buy a gift, and they will not blame you further. If your husband gets to know that those extra gifts were bought with the intention of BIL in mind, he would definitely feel bad.

I have also gone through this situation, and would wonder why my DH is making a big issue out of such a small thing. Then I got to understand that he was so affected by the behavior of his relatives, that he didn't mind cutting all ties with them (although his parents keep trying to advise him to behave like an ideal son.. bla bla bla). I realized that in all circumstances my DH will be with me, but not his relatives.