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DH comments need insight

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by lifeisajourney, Dec 17, 2011.

  1. lifeisajourney

    lifeisajourney Silver IL'ite

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    hi

    I am married for 6 years , over all these 6 years my Dh passed certain comments regarding his sister to me, they all are very hurting to me, but i need an insight about these comments, to get a clear picture as of what my life takes when i consider my relation in the trio-- me DH and SIL

    his comments are----

    1.BE like my sister,
    2.you need to get a good testimony from her,
    3 she is the one who looks after us and cares for us, they alone gives us the best advices, i need to love my sister,
    4. i cant love you right now, for the first 10 years of our mariage i will love my sister, then i will start loving you,this is how our marriage works,

    if at all he has to compliment me on my cooking skills... he will say you really cook better so do my sister,....if i say i am having this particular condition i am feling bad about it, his answer would be see how much my sister is suffering from the same condition what all i say is think of her and keep going...

    though for the fourth one i made a huge cry but i feel i didnt do it immediately after he said but i went into depression and confronted him recently for which he said i dont remember anythoing of that sort...

    but sooner or later he says that we need to move to the palce where his sister stays so that we an be close to her and he can look after her as well,

    please help me out ladies how i can put forth my statements so firm that i am not really intersted to come and stay closer to his sister place.
     
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  2. hemalathaK

    hemalathaK Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree, it will be so much hurting to hear all these from a husband.But I want to know whether you have kids, how's your sex life, is he friendly with you, do he buy you what ever you ask for?

    Because some men usually in the beginning of their marriage sings these kind of sister songs and later without their consciousness, becomes close to their wife and forget these 'sister admiration things' It may take some 3 to 4 years.For some men it may even take more than that provided the wife should be patient and clever in handling him.I have undergone this and now For my Dh I am the best.

    I really do not know how serious is your problem, but since your DH said that he do not remember any such thing about what he said, I guess he is not so serious in praising his sister now a days.What do you think?
     
  3. anjananathan

    anjananathan Platinum IL'ite

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    cant understand why your husband is behaving this way.. is there aything in world, if i love ( i mean affection) one person that i should not show love to another person.. dont we all love parents, siblings and spouse at the same time.. 4th point is so weird and funny..

    talk to him and tell openly that you cannot do something just to get testimony from her..but dont be rude.. if he has so much affection for her, you don't stop it but ask him to show love like he is showing for his sister.. does he show affection/love to you?
     
  4. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Is your SIL married , older/younger than your DH?
    You can counter his weird statements by saying that he should be like your father/brother. They are the greatest men on earth and he will benefit by becoming their admirer.:thumbsup
    Some people need a dose of their own medicine to be cured.
    He should have married a girl who was like his sister instead of trying to turn you into one.
    Regarding the 4th point about loving you after 10 years of marriage , you could say that you may not reciprocrate/return his gesture.
    Actually he is saying all this to irritate you, like seniors rag juniors.
    You can start singing her praises yourself ,like saying hope this dish is like SILs , bug her for recipes etc.
    Also what type of testimony will she give, like a certificate or a degree?? Then you can frame it and hang it on the wall for all to see. :bonk
     
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  5. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    This seems very strange and weird to me, it looks like he has limited quantity of love with him and is trying to share it carefully lest it gets exhausted....

    Why does he think he cannot love u and his sister at the same time, he wants u to take turns... very funny.

    try to get exactly what is running on his mind, right now he seems to be very confused. Make him understand that he can love any number of people at the same time, his parents, siblings,kids u etc no need to take turns.
     
  6. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Lifeisajourney,This seems to be weird and rare case. Becoz most Indian men usually compare to their moms.I also find it weird that your husband says that first 10 yrs of marriage he will love his sister. If that was the case why marry. He can go on loving his sister forever. I am sorry if it sounds weird. Sister and wife is 2 different relationships. You dont love a wife like ur sister or dont love your sister like a wife.The fact that he is trying to equate everything to his sister and even go as far as to say he will love you after 10 yrs is very wrong. You need to seriously have a talk with him regarding your role and importance as his wife. The fact that this has lasted for almost 6 yrs is very disturbing.He shud have weaned out of this sister stuff a long time ago. The fact that you havent retaliated may have given him an idea its okay with having such talk.

    You need to take drastic measures to stop this or you will have a lifetime of this. Dont move near your SIL as much as possible. It will only make things worse. Is your SIL married?How is she in all this? Meaning is she clingy and tries to push her ideas on your family.If it is take some steps from where you are.Why dont you have a talk with your husband regarding how much such talks hurts you.If it doesnt make a difference try to move out of the place when he starts with this.I do feel you need to stay a few days away from him and warn him to mend his ways.Tell him you will come back once he stops all this. So then he can see how much he has spoiled his own marriage by this.Good Luck.
     
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    as much as my comment may appear OUTRAGEOUS!!!!!!!!!!

    SO why DID HE MARRY YOU?? INSTEAD HE SHOULD HAVE MARRIED HIS SISTER!!!WIERDOOO
     
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  8. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    lifeisajourney,

    is there a reason for his adulation (Should i say devotion) towards his sister. what about his parents.
     
  9. hetha

    hetha Bronze IL'ite

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    Friend,
    Try to look always positive in any issues that may be really bad to you. just ignore his behaviour and try to concentrate in area of your interest. For eg you may be interest in handicraft or music or anything.

    Next, for whatever he praises, just say yes or simply nod and leave the place immediately and keep on doing this and at one stage, he will stop this attitude because when there is response from opp side , they keep pulling us but when they don’t get chance he will stop at one point or other. I can understand your problem and doing lip service is easy but your are the one who is facing it. So pls try for few days and i hope it works for you.
    Try to avoid going near your sister in law place and defenitely god shows way.
     
  10. lakshmi13

    lakshmi13 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi

    Try analyzing why your husband favours his sister. Is she a divorcee? does she suffer from a medical condition? What appears to me is that he has probably been brought up by his sister, that is why he is more attached to her than to his mother.
     

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