Desperate situation....please advise

Dear friends,

I am facing problems in my relationship with my inlaws and I desperately want some help/advice as I want to better the situation. We live in UK and PILs are with us most of the time.

Our relationship is not very warm or friendly. There is lot of miscommunication. They are not open to me and I cannot guess what goes on in their minds. And further their decisions/thoughts are not consistent , so I cannot even feel that I have come to know of their likes/dislikes etc. Further they are very emotional, so I don’t know how they will take what I say…..Till now majority of whatever I have done/said has been taken in a negative manner….so now the situation is that if we want to communicate something important DH becomes the middle man. Sometimes even if I want to help them it has been taken in a negative manner.

I am a sort of person who lives and let others live…..i get along well with 99 percent of my family/friends…….even when I chat to my husband or sometimes even them, they complain right in my face –‘’what is there to talk so much’’….they don’t like me to talk to my parents/brothers/my side of my family…..they say my first preference should be my SIL…I speak to her as well but we do not share the same wave length……so cant speak much….on the other hand am close with my elder brother’s wife……so they don’t like that….I do the whole housework and cooking and work as well (work part time)

I don’t know how to improve the communication…...how to make them like me without compromising my own self respect, how to impress them . One thing I know is I have to speak to them in their mothertongue as we speak in Hindi.

Also , I admit I made some mistakes with them as well…..i spoke to them casually in the initial years of my marriage….everyone is free in my parents home and I thought being free is being close, so I told my likes and dislikes casually…for eg, I do not like sweets and told NO quite a few time, but apparently they took in negative manner as that DIL has opposed them and that atleast to show them respect I should have eaten….and in their culture people have a sweet tooth and that I married into their culture and how is it that I don’t eat sweets etc… they are sort of people who still live 30 years behind in their thoughts

As I have said in my last post, I am a South Indian married to a North Indian since 5 years and we have a 18 month DD, both of us are doctors, we are at present living in UK and plan to return to India in 2-3 years….ours was a love marriage……my parents were opposed to our marriage initially but all is fine with them now….PILs were OK to the marriage initially but having problems with them now……PILs migrated from their native state in India 30 years back and have settled in my native state in a metro city…..my DH was born and brought up in my native state and hence is fluent with my language…..I on the other hand can understand their language and speak a bit but am conscious of it…….

My inlaws always wanted a minimally educated lady as a DIL who would be a house wife, and further they wanted their son to marry into the same caste……..and so they have issues with me as in I AM EDUCATED, WORKING, DO NOT BELONG TO THEIR CASTE/CULTURE AND OURS WAS A LOVE MARRIAGE……this has made MIL very insecure…..MIL and FIL do not share a great marital relationship…..so MIL became very attached to her son and she feels insecure about his relationship with me.

FIL is sort of person who is controlling…..he wants everyone to follow him…he almost always critisizes and finds fault with almost everyone - his wife, son, son in law and their family, other relatives….likewise he finds fault with me as well,…..sometimes I ignore his taunts, sometimes I reply back politely……he also suffers with obsessive compulsive disorder and is on medication.

MIL is a kind lady, but is also very emotional and she seems to suffer with bouts of depression, and thus she has differing moods, one day she is all chirpy and happy, next day she is also gloomy and speaks in monosyllables……and further FIL keeps telling/complaining something or the other to her, and sometimes complains about me as well….so she gets stressed and her mood/replies towards me change as well……further she cannot speak against my FIL. Further, MIL never wanted to immigrate from her native state and to live in my native state…..and she always harboured thoughts of going back and settling there……..we were OK with this idea, infact wanted to buy them a home there so that they can live there for as many days as they wish and come back to the metro city if they want to (you see their daughter lives in the metro city)…….but they did’nt want anything like that……they wanted us all (ie me, DH, fil and mil) to settle in their native state…..I was not happy with this idea as there are two issues here -1) My parents would be far away from their native state and being a doctor I cannot get leave or days together 2) I am already staying in joint family with them, their son is with them, so even I should be able to enjoy my parents presence in my life 3) As it is, I am from a different culture and they have too many expectations from their daughter in law, being in such a culture they will only start comparing me to others. So MIL has another reason to resent me – that because of me they are still stuck in the metro city rather than living in their native state.

DH is a reasonable guy, but I feel I had been taken for a ride…..DH never told me about his family dynamics before the wedding……infact he himself was’nt fully aware about his mum’s and dad’s character……DH stayed in hostel since he was 11 years old and the only time he stayed longest with his parents after that was when they visited us here. Due to all these issues with PILs me and DH had some fights /arguments….initially he did not believe anything about his parents but now he understands the situation and wants to work on it but is as clueless as me.

So please please friends, I would be grateful if anyone can kindly advise me.

Many thanks