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Depression After Husband Cheated On

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by HHj, Aug 23, 2019.

  1. HHj

    HHj Senior IL'ite

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    Hey guys..
    I hv already posted about my husband cheating on me...little brief ..
    Married to merchant navy capt. Married since last 11 years. He is cheating on me since starting came to know when I was in my 9th month of pregnancy. He had a 9hrs halt at Delhi airport nd went out in a hotel with a call girl. Came to know after 2 days on our anniversary. After a huge fight he accepted that he went. So fight continued and my in laws are also with him...they were telling me to **** down this matter because these things happens in life and we should not make issue. But he went again when my daughter was 10 days old. He went for 4 days in a hotel and spent 2.5 lakhs on girls...
    Again the same thing sorry it will not happen again...but again after a gap of one month caught him with viagra and 35000/_ in his bag..he was coming from hotel and had a plan to go again next day...bit still his family was saying ...we can't believe it's possible u hv kept all that in his bag..
    Fight is still continue but for my the sake of my elder son i allow him in the house...he went to jis parents place and again searched for call girls...still family not believeing...showed them all d proof...but still as per them i am the culprit..

    He drinks and smokes..which he denied at the time of marriage...his mother herself tells him to drink....father brings bottles...

    Family has blocked my number...

    Now he is sailing and I dont want to see his face again...just because of my son I can't take divorce ....my son is very attached to him...

    It's been 2 months he has gone...but hardly called up to ask about son...doesn't even bother how is little one...how big she has grown...what all she is doing ....nothing....

    My problem is ...I want to forget everything...but I am not able to...things comes in front of me again nd again...nd many other things making meaning...he is biggest lair....small to small big to big...nd still he lies...

    He is more worried that his brother has lost job...he is more worried that his father has back pain...he is more worried that his brother's son is not studying....but least bother for his own kids...

    I just want to cut off...but I am not able to...though I don't want to talk to him..but ending up sending him sarcastic messages...

    Pls help me to get out of this thing
     
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  2. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    Okay calm down.

    You seem cluttered with lot of thoughts. I'm guessing you recently delivered your 2nd baby (daughter).

    1st thing 1st.... Get yourself and your kids checked for STDs since you know your husband is regular to different call girls.

    2ndly, you know he is a drinker, smoker, his family blocked you, they blame you, his father brings bottles and mother tells him to drink and he visits call girls, he doesnt bother to respect you nor care for your kids as responsible father.

    With all these above, what is making you stay with him? You keep saying your son is attached to his father so you can't leave him, but you yourself said that he is not responsible father nor he cares about his kids.
    So think yourself what the hell is wrong with you that you are still staying with him?.
    What example are you setting for your kids?
    What if your son grows up thinking as he is a man he can also be like his father n smoke, drink, visit call girls and disrespect women?
    What will your daughter learn? That as a woman she should be dumb doormat and her role in life is to only please a man and bear him kids? And vear all abuses and disrespect?

    Wakeup! Gather all proofs, contact good lawyer and moveout to a safer place either your parents (if they support) else contact any ngo for shelter and help.

    If you are working, keep your finances safe and protected.

    If you want to be a good mother to your kids, please dont let them grow in such a toxic environment. For their sake, file a case n divorce that beast.

    Live a life with dignity and selfrespect sel raise your kids proudly as a single mother.
    When they growup they will be proud of you.
     
  3. HHj

    HHj Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for replying...

    I am not earning. Baby is small can't work also...
    Don't have parents..
    Don't have money to spend on lawyers. Nd with small baby can't go to courts...
     
  4. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

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    Can you contact the women cell. They might help you in some way. Please do something.
     
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    There are 2 options.... Let me put them here black and white, and you decide what works best for you.

    The fact is that your H has cheated on you physically. His going out with call girls, and spending on them during transit is very very common among the kind of people like your husband.
    I say this, because I know a lot of UN peace keepers from different countries including India and Pakistan. They serve in non-family stations for 6 months to 1 year at a stretch, tough life, constant battle etc... and then they get breaks for 1 week once in a while to come to the city from the bushes.
    This is where they go with call girls, pay money on them and enjoy. This is the relaxation they have, and this is what keeps them going.
    I don't say everyone is like this. But majority of them are.
    And as far as I remember, many of them are married with kids.
    They all go back to their country once a year on vacation and have nice bonding with home people.

    They don't really have any bonding or connection with the random call girls they go with. It is purely bodily pleasure, so they don't take it as cheating. This is the kind of life that they are accustomed and their near/dear ones must have known this.

    Option 1: If you can accept this, or let this go, then you can live this marriage. Of course you need to check for STDs and ensure your H use protection.
    This way, your kids have a father, a dependable financial support system, a home to live and all
    A life with less headache.

    Option 2: If you can't accept this, and can't even imagine the fact that your man is with some other women... and can't live in constant fear of catching STD, then obviously you must leave.
    But you need to make sure you are strong enough to find a job, make sound finances, a support system for life etc before walking out.
    Divorce itself every challenging... but life after divorce will be very very challenging for a mother who has no family support or job
     
  6. harithab

    harithab Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Dear @HHj,

    Sorry for your current situation. :coldsweat:

    With 2 little kids and no job on hand, its hard to move out all of a sudden to nowhere !!
    Dont you have any siblings or elders (in parents position) to convey your worries and discuss about this ?

    Or for the time being, as your H is on duty, let it be. Once he is back, openly discuss about the issue and if possible both of you go for a counselling session. Talking openly and discussing everything might help you both to resolve the problem gradually.

    I really understand its hard for you to think all about this with an infant too. Make yourself strong and look after the kids well. Pray everyday to GOD to give you strength and lead you the right way. This hard time will pass too. Be strong mommy. I pray you get out from this hard situation soon. :buenrollo:

    Stay strong..



     
    mrunalini01 likes this.
  7. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    If you shut the doors of solutions you will forever remain in same situation. I saw your old post it was also same. What help are you expecting from virtual people online when you yourself are not helping yourself to live a life with dignity

    This may sound harsh and rude but is much needed to get into mind. I'm sorry to say this but you yourself are becoming a problem to your life by being a doormat and crying helplessness but not doing anything to help yourself.

    Why did you end up having 2 kids with a man when you don't even have any financial security after all theseyrs of marriage.

    Anyhow, if you are well educated to post here for help, you are stable enough to contact NGOs or any women helpline services and moveout immediately.
    Take their help and find a job even if its smaller.
     
  8. HHj

    HHj Senior IL'ite

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    I know i am spoiling my life by crying and doing nothing....about two kids....second one was not planned....and I was not aware about his shots....I always had a doubt but it came infront of me when I was carrying my second one ....all this dra happened in last 5 months.... I am trying to find what I can do to help myself....but it's just kids when I think abt them that they need a father too...I get confuse abt my decision...because in our fight kids are going to suffer....I hv never seen my father nd I always missed him...

    I am trying my best to get out of this mess....

    I know whatever decision I will take it's not going to effect him...if I will leave him he will get married the next day nd enjoy his life...if I will not he will Amway enjoy out with other girls....only me nd my kids will suffer...

    I am writing here to calm down my mind and my b someone will say no go get up nd live ur life...that motivation which i just need
     
  9. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    Dear, having no father is better than having a rogue beast as father who drinks, smokes, doesn't care of own kids, visits call girls, disrespects own childrens mother.
    Why is this simple fact not getting in your mind?

    Just move out!!! Be the mother and father both to your children.

    2ndly, don't care of his life. If he marries after leaving you or goes to a dozen more call girls it's not your headache.

    One day you will be proud of taking hold on your life and protecting yourself and your kids from a toxic person.

    Anyways if you file for divorce,court will order for your husband to pay for the education and take care of your kids expenses till 18yrs (I'm not sure of exact info so please excuse me if I'm wrong).

    But until you take the 1st step, you cannot change anything in your life.

    P.s you are most welcome here to vent out your grief. We all are here to do the same. What I meant was that just writing here wont help change your life. You need to muster the courage and take steps needed to secure and safeguard your future and your kids future.
     
  10. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I beg to differ here. OP, you need to be financially independent before you move out. As idealistic as it sounds, it is foolish to walk out without any money and means to provide food and shelter for two kids. If I were you, I would work on that ASAP ( try looking for a job, see what your housing options are) . The other pressing need is to get you and kids for STD’s , that would ideally be first on my to-do list. Yes, do find info about women’s organization and see what options they have.

    I would not stay in the marriage with a scumbag of a husband, kids need a father figure that respects their mother.

    I mentioned in your last post, take a deep breath and calm down. Make getting out of this marriage your focus, give yourself a deadline and make yourself independent. You will definitely be in a happier space than sharing your life with a man with no morals whatsoever. You can do it ! Take care !
     

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