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Depressed And Feeling Helpless! Pls Pls Advice

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by sensitivegal, Dec 23, 2016.

  1. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

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    @guesshoo @liya1984 @Shreema86 thank you all for your inputs.
    Yes I have seen those posts which sheds light on sex issues.. I feel that he is not gay too.. becoz he is always glued to me.. no suspicious phone calls or messages popping.. but he has rare sex interests.. he doesn't initiate on his own most of the time.. however we have consummated our marriage. We have sex twice or thrice in month with my initiation..I know all other good qualities will not justify this.. he has agreed to see the doctor now.. we have booked apt this week.. will the problem solve after consulting specialities? According to me yes. If has just low sex drive and some medication then might increase it.. if his asexual by nature.. as someone said .. his interest remains the same.. however on both the end .. I will get clarity.
    Why I emphasized his good qualities is because it is hard to leave someone who is good by heart.. he recently rejected a company offer with three months clause.. all benefits.. because I have good career in the current city.. in general he cares except incident above.. and more than this reason it is difficult to lead a divorce life.. it is not that easy.. for me may be even difficult than what life I am leading now.. so of my friends suggest me to have baby.. because having baby will decrease my sexual interest at least bit.. anyhow we have sex thrice a month.. I would be then fine becoz of the baby... now it's a problem becoz I have high interest and he has low.. again this theory may be completely wrong.. I understand the risk of brining new life into our so called confused lives..
    I will just wait for 6months - 1year .. make myself more financially and emotionally stable.. @liya1984 you quoted that you know why parents don't support and you have been sailing in the boat.. why do you think they do that? Irrespective of what's their daughter is suffering, is status and society everything to them? Is parenting a overrated thing these days?
    I just pray god to give me more strength and wisdom to decide the best!! Thank you guys
     
  2. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    Ya take some time to gain clarity. Same reason as you I am stuck in this relationship, I.e husband is supportive and caring and gives space . But deep down as a woman we want to be desired and not just cared for in a relationship right . This is at a primitive biological level. I don't think you initiating all the time is a happy situation for you.
     
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  3. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

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    @Shreema86 thats right! I am trying to send a private message .. but says I cannot .. do you know why..
    he is supportive one thing .. another reason why am I holding onto this relationship is I am equally scared of divorce.. I don't know how my life will be after divorce.. it is very very tough .. always unknown is scary, although Indian society has changed.. it is becoming more progressive.. stereotypes about divorcees remains the same..those glances and glares remains the same.. most say after divorce you will loose half of your friends.. you are an outcast in your relatives circle.. I agree there are successful stories, exceptions and I am not biased.. just opinion on a general note.. I don't know what type of husband I will get in second marriage I don't know.. what weakness he has you never know becoz nobody is perfect..what compromise you need then, why not make it now?? I was wondering if anyone can lead life without sex?!?! As you said it is biological need but google says couple can lead life without sex if they are happy that way!!! Just some of my ramblings.., thank you dear
     
  4. rajatsingh

    rajatsingh Silver IL'ite

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    I think you should have uploaded at least 10 posts in the last 10 days, otherwise you can't initiate conversation with any one.
     
  5. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

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    Edit.. I am unable to have conversation with you @Shreema86 ..
     
  6. Meet9

    Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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    You need to set your priorities in your life, do you want a sexless marriage? Lack of companionship is also something serious.. you have been married since last 4 years, how did you adjust so far? why were you quiet so long? Has there never been really any good times between the two of you? have you never felt lack of sexual relation earlier in these 4 years? have you never been on good vacation(s) in these 4 years? did he ever got you flowers, perfume or any dress in these 4 years? Its hard to understand that in these 4 years you did not get stifled with these issues.... Please introspects yourself again...

    I can understand your frustrations wrt physical relations....my DH and me had a longish phase of being asexual when we were fighting over ILs/finances/his lack of going to gym etc... both of us were stressed due to job etc but even in those days what kept us going was calm togetherness over cup of tea, cooking together and just being with each other..Its definite that pointing and fighting about sexual dysfunction can make matters worse...your DH may get more conscious and may not perform due to psychological issues.......my husband is very sweet loving and caring guy and gives me all the freedom but he has negatives like being lazy for household help/ not much social etc....my priority in life is to get a loving partner the other superficial things we can get outside.....I dont mean sex as superficial...it is v important you both are satisfied in sexual relation in marriage.....if you guys are incompatible, one is having high libido and other asexual then it is def a very serious concern you need to tackle with patience, and cool mind.....marriage is stability for me...luckily we both are not very sexual people....maybe that helps a lot in our case..the most imp thing is can you guys have healthy conversation about life in general, not on things which you feel you guys fight like ILs/sexual issues.... maybe just avoiding to talk about sexual stuff for a couple of months may turn things around....
     
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  7. Meet9

    Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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    OP do you have siblings? sister? cousins?

    after reading your subsequent post, I think you have made a plan of waiting it out one more year and seeing if things turn around..which is very good....

    do you have like mindedness in anything? like are you both party person/home birds?
    do you pray together or go to temples?
    are their any fightings due to ILs? or finances?
    does he feel you are more dominating?

    when you start earning, you def dont need financial support but yes, emotional support is needed. If your parents are not helping you out, you have to be emotionally strong..and bold..you need to think through which life is gong to be better? this one or the worst case scenario life after divorce.. there are no guarantees in life..if you divorce, the worst that could happen is you are single, you may have social friends, and free bird, can travel etc...BEST thing would be you may get a better life partner, and get a good life with him..
     
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  8. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

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    @Meet9 thanks for your response.. you don't diagnose person unless you observe them for sometime.. initial years of marriage .. say 1st and the 2nd year I didn't wanted to jump into conclusion.. so I waited.. and also it is not that he never had sex.. we have consummated our marriage.. when newly married we used to have once in week compared to those couples who have daily.. the real issue is he has ED and very very less interest.. as I mentioned earlier he has agreed to see doctor and we have an appointment this week after 3 days.. in our recent annual check it is found out that he has hypothyroidism..yet to confirm about testerone levels.. will he be ok with medication? That I don't know.. but without giving fair trial with doctor.. I don't want to leave him..
    in case he remains the same with medication . I don't know wat will I do.. I cannot imagine divorcée life..1. my family very orthodox ..
    2. no parents support
    3. I will be an outcast in my relatives circle for sure
    4. Those lure look of men for divorce women
    5.steretypes and loosing half of my friends circle
    6 very very importantly divorce will not guarantee me active sex life either unless I find partner very soon which is unlikely to happen
    7. What is guarantee how is second marriage husband is? How do I know about His sex drive?!?! Impossible
    Looking at the disadvantage of divorce for me I would rather settle with him.. since does have sex atleast once in blue moon.. rest all qualities are good. I can handle his stubbornness somehow.this is my thought!! Pls correct me if I am wrong
     
  9. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

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    We have similar hobbies.. as I mentioned he is 24/7 glued to me.. we watch movies together.. listen to music.. travel a lot.. read novels together.. but only sex is lacking..
     
  10. Meet9

    Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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    Sounds like you both are fighting because of the sexual issue.. the underlying reason for it could be many like he being not much interested in sex. some people are naturally not interested , he may not be gay i highly doubt it because gay people are desperate to get involved with someone, this thing comes out to wife very easily specially when you are staying in US with him and are with him for 4 years, but you may not completely rule out it depends..., other reason could be he might have been watching a lot of p**n at some point in his life that might have led to this issue, then... something else which I can see could be very much plausible is your behaviour.

    you said you just started working, that means he was supporting his family i.e. you so far financially, I see you wrote you guys travel watch movies etc,so he is normal enjoying type of guy..could it be that beofre marriage he expected you to work? I have seen so many guys who get a huge turn on when their wife is working...meaning independent woman.. no matter how pretty you are, if you are acting like emotionally dependent behenji he may be getting turned off (I AM sorry for my wording but telling you with my experience) carrying a family burden for single earner may be highly stressful, esp when we have visa tensions , lack of family and social life here in US.

    I know my DH distanced himself from me when I was pouring him with not only my work problems but also my issues with my friends, in fact this was when I found out that I do not have healthy social circle, meaning my OWN set of friends with whom i can hang out, bi*c* about , gossip etc, that would relieve a lot of negative things in my mind..
    does your DH have his own set of friends? encourage both of yourselves to socialize independently as well....

    Lastly by any chance, there is someone outside with whom you are getting attracted to? and that same person is also showing interest in you? Again, one of my v cute friends was having some underlying issues with her DH and at her work, some guy flattered her a lot, and this lack of extrovert romantic behaviour from her DH led he to fall for this guy..and that created mess in their married life...luckily they are happy together today...

    keep thinking and introspecting, stop fighting with your DH with everything, first gain some space and handle things one at a time, tread v carefully...
     
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