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Depressed And Feeling Helpless! Pls Pls Advice

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by sensitivegal, Dec 23, 2016.

  1. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,
    I thought everything is going good in my life.. I was so happy about some of the things happenings.. but life is unfair anyways I feel.. my struggles are not over yet. I am fed up of my husband attitude and behavior.. want to seek divorce..
    My dh has some sexual issues.. we have been married for four years.. no kids yet..however all these days I thought it is a psychological issue .. he may not have interest becoz of work pressure or my quarrels.. but now I know I am wrong.. he shows very very rare interest. We have consummated our marriage.. we have sex only twice or thrice in month that too with my initiation.. he has erection sometimes and sometimes he fails to maintain it..I am guessing he has erectile dysfunction.. most of the people say I am pretty. So I don't know why he has not physically attracted to me. He doesn't have any affair I am very sure about it.. don't ask me how ,but I can guarantee.. he is glued to me 24/7.. no suspicious phone talks or messages or no unusual stuffs on his phone..the problem now is 1.he is acting very egoistic and not coming to see the doctor..
    2. He knows he has some problems .. although he doesn't accept in front of me .. he is acting very insecure about me.. for e.g.: if I put my single picture in wats app .. he is suggesting me to change into couple picture etc..
    I have recently started working.. if I ask for help at home acts very lazy.. same old Indian attitude of why men should do household work.. I am fed up of this..lastly he doesn't want to hear any complaints or grumbles.. if I have some trouble at office or if I am feeling lonely at USA .. I should not complain or pester him anything.. I should always smile.. he doesn't want any troubles ( how is that possible guys? Couples are married for companionship, we need to share and care happiness and sadness equally, how can I be happy all time?)
    Acts very stubborn since the beginning of marriage..wants everything in his own way
    Day before Yesterday incident: as he was unable to perform I am getting frustrated., so I shouted a lot on him and told him we see doctor.. he said he will come but challenged me that doctor will come with positive results.. I only have some problem.. however I was tired from office so I slept.. next morning we had to go to university to talk about my graduate program.. on the way.. I wanted to discuss some of my office stuffs.. so I started telling my worries.. as usual he doesn't want to hear any complaint or sob stories.. he said blantaly that he doesn't know anything.. I felt very bad.. started arguing loudly. In university also he was acting indifferent.. so I said I am going to dump him someday with all my frustration..next minute I see .. he is vanished.. he is missing.. he threatened he won't come home .. and told me to take Uber to home.. since didn't have home keys.. I waited outside apartment for 1 hour. Then he sends keys with some leasing office guys.. I rejected keys saying I want him to come back home.. so that guy left.. I waited and waited .. my battery in phone is dead.. I can't contact him.. he didn't turn up.. I waited for nearly 4 hours outside in cold.. later I somehow got to the neighbors house and charged my phone .. he said he will not come home,. Go to leasing office and take keys.. with no choice .. I took keys and now at home.. I am feeling so helpless..suicidal at home.he will come home tomorrow it seems..
    I want to divorce him.. but I don't have parents support too.. they tell me to adjust.. even if I am dead they are not worried I think.. I don't know why even my parents are acting like this.. he is supportive of my career.. financially ally responsible..not physically abusive .. does not have affair..he is stubborn and has his sex issue .those are the two main issues..
    please suggest me guys what should I do? I am so depressed!!
    Sorry for the long post and thank you.
     
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  2. Ashvini

    Ashvini New IL'ite

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    @sensitivegal,

    Ask your husband to sit down and discuss about this matter in a cool way when his mood is good ,many times !! Discuss about seeing a doctor and marriage counsellor...

    Don't rush on things about divorce... if he still not coming to discuss just warn him indirectly that if u wont come to see a doctor or marriage councilor then we should see
    go to lawyer!!
     
  3. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks dear .. atleast you replied.. I am wondering why no one is responding.. I am so depressed.. he is not getting convinced and he doesn't get scared of lawyers becoz he has seen it not happening although I have told him many times.. my parents are least bothered about me!!
     
  4. PragathiLatha

    PragathiLatha New IL'ite

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    @sensitivegal...cheer up my friend. Hope my words give you bit comfort at this moment. Do not be panic and tensed. Its time for you to be calm and sensitive to handle this situation better. Give some more time/trial/efforts to keep the relationship. I know its hard for you but I am sure you come out to be strong and things will be smooth over a period of time. As you mentioned you have only two issues 1. Stuburn nature 2. Sex issue. These can be overcome with proper approach. Please look into his other good nature and look forward for bright future with him.
     
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  5. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

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    @PragathiLatha thanks dear god reply.. why my parents are acting that way.. I am shocked .. they are least bothered about me.. they said directly to me we don't want your burden.. I am feeling terrible :coldsweat:
     
  6. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't worry about that. It's the holidays - at least in the US/Europe part of the world; people are preparing for guests or to travel on their own or trying to get stuff done when they have a little free time.

    Now coming to your problem:
    Fretting and fuming in the cold for four hours! That's a tremendous waste of time. This sort of thing is childish. Don't do it. The primary responsibility for your health and safety lies with you. What did you gain from this show of pique? Such displays achieve nothing. Avoid them. Act like a mature adult. Find a more productive way of dealing with frustration. If your husband wants to take a walk to get away from a quarrel, let him. If he is repeatedly avoiding facing his - and your issues as a couple, then find another way to get his attention. Your best option in this situation would have been to use the key from the apartment management, get inside, stay safe and warm. Meditate, cook, take a shower, listen to music, read, watch a movie (four hours is enough to do all of the above!) - anything but stoking your frustration with relentless rumination would have been better. As things stand, you are both acting immature.

    About his problem(s):
    Sexual dysfunction is very difficult for men to deal with. Agreed, he is not talking his share of responsibility for the marriage, but angry exchanges will not help. I get the impression that he is afraid of losing you - hence his insistence on demonstrations of couple-hood. This sort of situation, where one partner in a relationship is intransigent, often means that only you can decide how things will go. Four years is a long time. Now, only you can decide whether to set a boundary and a limit for how much longer you are willing to wait. What actions would satisfy you? In what time-frame? What outcomes are acceptable to you and what are the deal-breakers, if any? Do you think your husband might be a closeted gay man? You need to figure all this out - yourself or with the help of some counseling, even if you have to go alone.

    About your parents:
    I am sorry to hear that they are not supportive, but at least you know where you stand with them. Clarity is always useful, even when it is painful. At the very minimum they are tone deaf; but again, the ball is in your court. The nature of the relationship you have with them in the future is entirely up to you. For the moment, I would ignore this aspect and focus on the marriage. It may be a very good thing that at least one set of parents is not intent on adding to the drama!:wink1:

    Good Luck!:beer-toast1:
     
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2016
  7. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

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    @sokanasanah thank so much dear.. yes I agree it was childish thing to do.. I wanted him to come home .. so I acted like that but all in vain.. now I understand I need to concentrate on myself and my health, career and sanity.
    We are already seeking counseling.. he says he is not gay.. but I am unsure.. having an affair with women is easier to find out than finding him gay.. I don't know how do I know that.. I can't wait longer.. I have given 1 more year time frame.. by that time I will be more financially stable and emotionally too.. but the question is within this time should I bring child into our lives?!?! As we are already pressurized by elders to have baby.. !!
    Agreed no more drama from parents side .. I certainly have clarity... but I am afraid is if I get divorced.. who will take care of me?!? My parents come from very traditional background. They won't support me I know..I have good friends.. will they be same after my divorce I don't know.. but I am certainly very upset seeing my parents stance!! Can parents be this much cruel and selfish!!! I didn't knew
    Thanks for your reply dear.. happy holidays
     
  8. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    If 1 year is he time frame in which you see yourself being emotionally and financially secure, stick it out. Get some counselling to figure out what you wish to do.

    However it is completely unwise to bring a baby into this relationship as it stands. You and your husband need to be in a stable place for that and no "elder" should be allowed to take a call on this. Raising a child is hard enough even without relationship problems. Plus a child will NOT make these problems magically disappear. Not to mention it is completely unfair on the child to be brought into a unhappy environment.

    Should you choose to part with your husband, you will be responsible for yourself. It will be a part of getting ready emotionally. The world is a large place with many wonderful people in it. You might want to and ready put in a support structure in place by ensuring that you pay attention to and nurture your hobbies and friendships - I'm a not asking you to be manipulative; it is just a good idea to look beyond oneself and one's troubles. Good luck.
     
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  9. liya1984

    liya1984 Bronze IL'ite

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    Same situation as you are , been in a sexless marriage for more years than you and trying to get out of that unhealthy relationship understand your problems better than many others. Just to give you some clarity in your head:

    1. "he is supportive of my career.. financially ally responsible..not physically abusive .. does not have affair.." etc. does not justify what he did to you. He destroyed your life. One of my counselors mentioned to me that there is a human rights violation happening in my life.I laughed miserably at my state.What he did to you is as bad a husband going behind prostitutes or worse. At least a wife in that state has more clarity in her head than us.
    2. All the drama that happened is NOT because you are childish.It is because you are depressed and there is no one to listen to you, not even your parents. It is your emotional outburst and frustration that made you do that.
    3. I can understand why parents don't care. The same story with me and mind you, I am the only child.Don't expect any emotional or moral support from them ever. So Take your own decisions.
    4. My two cents from my own experience : you can call me negative but i don't think your husband has any chances of improvement, simply because instead of focusing on himself he is busy blaming you for his problems which in turn is affecting you mentally and emotionally. This is the same story that happened with me.


    People will tell us have patience, men have a big ego, i was even told by my FIL that stop behaving like a pampered daughter and start behaving like my sons wife. Where does it all stop. I made a decision that i am not going to take the blame anymore for no fault of mine.You have to be assertive and be clear in what you say. Just don't bend anymore.

    There is a post in Indusladies on this. Hope it gives you a better clarity :
    I Suspect My Husband Is Gay.
     
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  10. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    your husband is to a certain extent asexual., I.e lack of any sexual feelings to man or woman. Please read the link posted above by liya1984 , because this has been discussed extensively above. A poster called madras2018 has written some very insightful useful information . Many of us sailing in the same boat. It's a difficult situation to be in. I exactly went through that phase where I was very confused by this behaviour of husband where he has zero, I mean zero interest in sex, hates to be burdened by any problems, doesn't want to discuss anything related to this, stubborn, yaada Yaada. Looks like asexual people have some common characteristics .
    Can your husbands behaviour be changed by visiting specialists , . I don't think so, cos they r wired that way. It's just like how gay people are gay and can't become straight . I hope for your sake I m wrong , and maybe counselling may help. If it doesn't you have to decide what to do. Although this is a real deal breaker , it's very hard to decide to leave a marriage where otherwise the spouse is good by heart .
     

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