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Deciding On Future Actions

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Caughtinbetween, Jun 3, 2016.

  1. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    hello all ,

    i have come back with new things and want to take your suggestions before proceeding ahead.

    So my H came to India , its been a few days now . its his first trip after our marriage in 5 yrs. he decided that he will not go anywhere and would stay at home to spend maximum time with ils.fair enough i thought so i didnt force him to come anywhere though i wanted him to come . he is hesitant in sleeping in the same room and citing some sily reasons we are sleeping separately . this raises red flags in the eyes of the family which troubles me more than us not sleeping together. it kind of enforces their belief that all is not well between us.i asked him once to sleep in the same room but he said no he will not sleep inside . i thought its his hesitation because he is by nature very hesitant and reserved type. i let it go . we do not get to speak freely because there is no alone time and when its there its kindof monitored so i only talk on general topics to avoid any confrontation later. In between few mistakes happened from my end owing to my tensed mind , i ended up with some silly mistakes . though they were not that big but anything from my side is exaggerated , as if they always look forward and keep a keen eye on any wrong step that i may make and take me for a ride. if the same mistake is done by H then its simply forgotten . no issues at all. then starts the insults, ridicule , comments taunts and what not. they wanted to do family panchayat to complaint about me to my side of the family. they did that . my family came , though i was against them coming but they said that for your sake their is no harm in taking insults from them. it was over . later my ils projected it to H in such a way that as if my family came on their own to insult ils and not the other way round. h believed ils version and told me that he will not come to my family members homes nor will speak to them. my father came to meet him , he spoke two words for formality and later went inside and my father was sitting in the living room alone , i later came to know that my ils even told my father not to come again as they dont have enough space. i was not at home when he came . they were telling my father to take me to my fathers home and live there and that they will not send me back . this is giving my father mental stress big time . he has become very weak dealing with all these things immediately after losing my mother.
    everytime they keep a track of all the mistakes that i do and complaint about it to everyone. to add spark to this fire i have realized that my H also tells any mistakes that i did in usa to them so they keep it in thier mind and make a mountain out of a mole. but same time his mistakes never come out . it is only me me and me everytime . he has been doing this ever since . i never came out with anything be it his or mine . after all these things they refuse to send me back and offlate i have realized that H is completely brainwashed and singing in ils tone . though i am making myself strong and preparing myself to find a job in india to support myself if needed b8ut this is scaring my father a lot and he is very tensed . all my relatives want to come and speak to them but i am stopping them. i think i should wait for 2-3 days more and then ask after things cool down about my return to him directly . everybody is suggesting me to talk to him nicely in a romantic way and all but i am in no mood . i want to ask directly about it .
    If at the end I do go back what shouyld be my approach towards him and if i didnt go back what should i do . my ils i dont think want me to stay at their home and i too dont want it. but more than them H is the culprit , he needs to be fixed first . now its such that all the things taht went wrong from my parents side is highlighted and everythign else taht they did is conveniently forgotten . so many things are going on in my mind , not able to frame my questions to you properly , hope you still understand . he is sucessfully able to hide his health isseus from ils so far . so they think all problems are with me . anyways its fine becasue even if they come to know about it , the blame will shift to me entirely though i have no role to play at all . i sometimes still feel that i should fight more and not give up on my h. dont know if its an emotional thing or if mind deems it to be right . i must agree that mistakes were committed from both set of elders and me and h as well but today only i seem to pay the price . do you think i should try to fix things with h without getting my family involved ,what if i do not go back , should i keep my family out of it even then . whats the point in going back after such a struggle when clerly there is no respect.
     
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  2. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    i think sometimes that may be i am always asking you the same thing again and again
    may be i am not accepting the suggestions tht you give which are right but my courage lacks in taking over
    but still i expect all your wisdom to either sail through or stay back thanks
     
  3. shobhamma

    shobhamma Gold IL'ite

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    My dear

    Any marriage is about two people joining together as the new unit of society,

    I feel you should ask your husband one to one if he is game to continue being together. Admit there have been mistakes and as you are only human likely will happen again. Try to remind him that no one is error free including him. Tell him that both of you should try to start without any baggage from either side. It is very difficult but not impossible if there is a will to reconcile. It should be you two together Vs both the families.

    If not it is better to have a clean break and start afresh.

    All the Best.
     
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  4. anahita5

    anahita5 Gold IL'ite

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    Such posts boils my blood. If you bend over backwards once, you will have to keep doing that for the rest of your life. This is not about your father or anyone else, this is your life. You have to decide if you want to live with this for rest of your life.
     
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  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, I say this with all kindness. You should leave this man and his family. Your life is too precious to waste like this.
     
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  6. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    I think that is the reason he is avoiding OP and sleeping in separate room, otherwise in privacy op can talk facts , which is not okay with OP's H and in-laws. In the end , before he goes he can just announce what he is going to do, take family with him or leave her here, or ur dad didn't say sorry or whatever H thinks he will do that "to suppress OP's basic rights"
     
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  7. sweety127

    sweety127 Gold IL'ite

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    @Caughtinbetween I really really sympathise your old father for what all he has to go through that too at this stage...my only suggestion is if not for yourself atleast for this man stand up for yourself..getting a job or talking romantically is not going to help..get back your self confidence at any cost..that is the only way to survive..your mom will definitely be proud of you..let all of these heartless ppl go to hell! Sorry for being rude..let god bless you with all strength you need..wake up!
     
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  8. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    are you guys going back to usa ?or shifted india permanently?
     
  9. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    He will go back for sure , don't know about myself . Honestly a part of me still wants to fix things because mistakes happened from both sides . So its ok if I have to make some compromises as well. H thinks that since his family is going to support us in delivery or any other need even if they say bad things I should take it and because he doesn't take any help or anything so it's okay if he behaves according to his wishes. Somehow in all this I have lost all my feelings for him and have also made up mind that if they say that I can't go or anything like that I will start working however small and shift to some hostel
     
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  10. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    I was myself a part of 3 panchayat sessions ..that too in love marriage n my H totally tagged along with his side of ppl..n the agony that it caused to my parents in undescribable ..

    But but.. I never stayed silent n nodded my head for whatever they say. I justified my actions as whatever small mistakes i might have done are not big crimes but small misunderstandings and new family new ppl adjustments.. Even my parents told me not to talk and to stay silent as they are my ils.

    Gladly, my parents are more than happy that i stood for myself n they are content now, that i can take care of myself. Now, if my H or ILs call them up, they dont get scared now..instead get irritated of their baseless accusations.

    I have a job n i am managing everything n it is projecting as if i dont give a damn abt anyone. Also, its been 8 years since i got married, hence ils also cooled down a bit.. In between all this mess, i figured out that my H was only seeing what was being displayed in a sweet manner, ofcourse from his family. N since i always boldly stood up for myself, he used to hate my guts n he used to show his capability of ignoring me completely..

    But no one can show or take sweetness for a long time.. It becomes bitter eventually. Cuz H was losing his identity and peace along this mess. My H started standing up for himself and eventually towards truth n peace. He is more neutral now.


    So OP, if you want to continue life with ur H n if he is not into bad habits like gambling, ema, murder, drinking, etc., you can give him a chance by waiting patiently. But never lose ur stand and give urself to the feet of others. Stand up boldly. Say what is wrong n what is right. Point out ur ils wrong too in front of everyone. Stand on ur feet n get a job, start driving n taking trips. Go to ur dad's place n come back to ur ils place. No one can oppose you. Its legally ur house too. As far as going to usa is concerned, i understand that ur H is not giving u a chance of private time, write an email to him n tell ur feelings. Let him reply.. Its ok even otherwise. He needs to know what u r going thru. We feel that H can see everything n understand . Damn..they dont. They are blindfolded by blood relations. Ask him about return ticket cuz u need to plan n need to start packing. If he is not willing to take u back, dont beg him, take this as an opportunity to prove urself in india. Get a job , buy a car, treat urself to spas(but dont broadcast ur new found freedom as ppl cant it too well n it might affect u negatively). Ur H will def like that u r standing up urself n its easy for him to take u back( doesnt mean that he is a changed man, but u can get back to him as u wanted).

    Now, even if you go to usa, plz dont waste time. Start working there as well. N importantly friends. Keep atleast 1 relative n 1 friend informed of what is going on in ur life. U will feel light.

    I have this close friend n who went through what i went through, n we are successful in our careers. We both praise the lord for giving us such a H and ils. They really made us realize the potential that we have n helped us do even better at work. Cuz financial independence n career can only help us at this point n future to stay cool and contented n peaceful.

    All in all, we eventually realize that H is not patidev n not even someone who stands by our highs n lows. They already stooped low n allowed us to automatically rise high , character wise. He is just a companion in this life n father of ur kids n nothing more than that. You can PM ne if you need any help.

    Stay strong OP. Rise high!!
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2016

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