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Dealing With Difficult Sister-in-law The Grown-up Way

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Nia, Aug 14, 2016.

  1. Nia

    Nia New IL'ite

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    I have been married for 5 years, so has my brother. My married life was very challenging due to my in laws. I have found a balance though and enjoy being married into a family of 7 siblings. Even if my in-laws are mean to me, I ensure my husband is doing his duties as a son. Therefore, I am conscious to be a fair and non-interfering sister-in-law in my brother’s life.

    My concern here is my brother’s wife. Unfortunately, she has exhibited poor behavior from first week of marriage. The new family has ignored her demeaning comments with as much kindness as one could muster.

    Our parents and us 4 siblings live in different countries. Therefore, everyone is independent not breathing down each other’s neck. Over the years, we have tried to include her as much as possible, even though, at times, I have felt we were being too accommodating. My parents buy her the same dresses, jewellery just as much for the other 3 daughters. We sisters also include SIL in all activities, shopping, recipe sharing and all things girly. Therefore, there is equality. After the post-marriage stay with in-laws for a week, my brother and SIL have lived in a different country all these years. They visit my parents once in 2 years. So you get the drift, it is not much that my SIL has to see any of the in-laws. My brother does not have to provide any financial assistance to parents or siblings. My parents have 3 daughters, so SIL is treated as the fourth one. Therefore, there are no talks about her having a lie-in or dressing as she pleases. The point I am trying to make is no such petty things, which I have seen in my own marriage. In fact, SIL gets more allowance than the daughters.

    For the first time my parents and us 3 siblings visited my brother for 10 days. We purchased our own tickets and visited them with all gifts SIL wished for. My SIL is usually loud and insensitive in her talks. I considered only that as shortcoming and owed it to her lack of exposure. However, I was in for a rude shock when we visited her. SIL would starve my diabetic parents, feed us stale food, talk about the expense brother had to incur. I cannot even mention some of the things. To cut a long story short, her behaviour is not acceptable to any human being let alone elderly person. She is extremely toxic and good at playing victim. We came back very hurt, but did not talk about it to my brother. They have visited us after that, but we maintained a healthy distance and stopped showering gifts and pampering.

    Brother has invited as again. This time, my mother did speak to the brother, and mentioned that all of us are too hurt by her behaviour and declined the invitation.

    When brother got married, my parents told him it was up to him to ‘call home’, and check on his parents. The brother would call may be twice in a month. Now that has also reduced. He never calls parents or siblings. The last he called was 2 months ago. If there someone’s birthday he sends a group message to meet on Skype. Even then, the SIL will not wish the person whose special day it is. He does not know how his parents’ health are or how his sibling’s lives are. I am not sure how he is able to live like that. My other two younger sisters are getting married shortly. If at all, any proposal comes close to being fixed, SIL will bring up some fault in their family and my brother will discourage the proposal.

    To the world we have a brother, but he is absent in our lives. As he is the only son and my parent’s legacy, it tears me apart. My parents talk among themselves about this behaviour and tells my younger sisters how not to be in their new roles as daughters in law.

    When I see my kids and DH happy with my in-laws, I feel sad for my own. If this continues, my parents are going to pass away missing their only son. They have given everything they have to give him this education and job & don’t even get a call.
    • How can this be handled maturely, without my brother taking any sides?
    • Are we sister’s right to turn down his invitation as a matter of our own self-respect?
    • Is there anything wrong in conveying that while we respect him and his wife, it cannot be at the cost of abusing us?
    • Can I still speak up as the eldest one at home or doesn't count as I am now married?
    • Even if its hard to do, I want to do what is best in this situation for my parents and also to set an example for my kids and younger sisters.
    • Due to his absence, I continue to be the 'son' & 'brother' to the house.. is that a bad thing or a good thing?
    I do feel that my brother has allowed this, and think he is an extremely selfish person.My anger is more towards him, as he is good at playing dumb.
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    The ball is in your brothers court. You cannot force him to interact more with your parents and siblings any more than he chooses to. Your parents should make their peace with this.
    Some men do change after marriage, to focus o their immediate family or just their wife's family. If your SIL is a dominating person this may be your brother's way of keeping his family life peaceful.
    Why do you need their input in arranging your sisters' marriages?
     
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Was SIL the sole in-charge of kitchen during the time 5 people were visiting the house for 10 days?
    All live in separate countries/houses. Your parents are not dependent on him. So, what is "son" and "brother" to the house then and why do you continue to be that?
     
  4. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    I empathize u a lot op. But as Rihana mam asked the Question asked, I also feel please answer the question. Then only a correct solution can be got. Ur poster talks about son, son ,son. How about urself , ur kids, ur sisters and their marriage.if ur brother is a little away for a while, u can all be close to ur parents right.
     
  5. GuideMe

    GuideMe Senior IL'ite

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    Dear OP, I understand what you are going through. My situation is slightly similar. (But luckily for me - my mother made it very clear that her DIL comes first. So, technically, I do not have to worry about how my parents get treated.)

    Your parents may be not be 'dependent' on your brother financially, but they still depend on him emotionally. They still expect him to be a son and you expect him to be a brother. IF your parents have spoken to your brother about the treatment they received last time, then the ball is in your brother's court. Wait and watch what he does. If his behaviour towards his parents does not change, then you can't expect any better from him, for you. However, you could make a also ditch attempt. You could accept his invitation and go to his place one last time. Try to talk out the issue in a matured manner and see if he and his wife have some genuine issues. Try to make them see your side of the story. Sort it out. If this doesn't help either, it is time to accept and move on. It is difficult. Blood relations and emotions cannot be severed that easily, but hanging on to it under these circumstances only delays the healing process.

    I wish you all the best
     
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  6. Nia

    Nia New IL'ite

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    Thanks @MalStrom . In our families its normal for siblings to meet the prospective groom and families and especially brothers have a role at the time of fixing a marriage. Don't need the SIL's input, but the brother is informed and talks/meet with prospective groom. But SIL offers input to bro and brother dismisses proposal based on that.
     
  7. Nia

    Nia New IL'ite

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    While the family helped out when there was cooking or cleaning to be done, sister would lock the fridge and cabinets and have a lie-in. So until it was convenient for SIL, other had to wait. Its embarrass to even talk about it and I feel ashamed when I recall it. When mom offered to cook as the parents rise early and are free, SIL made it clear its her kitchen and her home.
    The brother of the bride and Son of the house has significant roles in social situations like marriage, death in family. Though I live in a different country, I have had to fly in as my DH had to fill in my brothers shoe as he wasn't making the effort. I don't really want to continue to do that.
     
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  8. Nia

    Nia New IL'ite

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    Hi @sindmani I think you may have misunderstood my post. I have my own family & live away from my parents. but every two months my DH and our kids visit both IL's and my parents. I have no issues in being there for them as I am available for my IL's. My parents are working as well. Like me, other sisters will also go away to the IL's once married. I am talking about is the occasional calls that my brother does not seem to do to his parents.
     
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  9. bron

    bron Silver IL'ite

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    1st things 1st ..your brother or your sil has no role in rejecting or dismissing a proposal..its going to be totally your sister's wish and next your parent's ..so your bro or sil cannot make it happen as thier wish
    Next please dont say the word legacy ..atleast not in this 21st century buddy..do you think your brother is only your parents legacy? Not you or your sisters? Man common my parents got only 2 daughters and does that mean thier legacy is over with them us being daughters ?:frown:dont think so :nono:..me and my sis very much thier legacy..
    Next why should you be the son and brother to fill your brother's place? You be a daughter and a sister to support them emotinally:thumbup: ..for that you dont have to take your bro place dear..
    I wont go to a place where i didnt get respect and was unwelcomed..so you should take your call if you should accept your bros invitation or not..
    You told your mom conveyed her displeasure regarding your sil to your brother ..so what was his response for that?
    Also same question which rihana asked did you and your sisters helped her in kitchen while she was making that stale food?(edit: i got answer for this and this clearly means she is not happy cooking for you guys and same thing u r unwelcomed there..this should be dealt by your brother only)
    I find more problem with your brother than your sil ..coz he seems to be more detached from your family ..afterall your sil did not grow up with you guys..and however a mil treats her dil as daughter or dil treats mil as mother a dil can never become a daughter and a mil can never become a mother..so your brother is to be blamed here than your sil.. so the title should be dealing with difficult brother..lol :tongue:..
     
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  10. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, now I can understand what u really need from ur brother. Surely he will talk. Parents have a special place in every child's heart. Try talking to him ur concern. Sometimes open talk can solve the issue. All the best
     

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