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Dealing With A Workaholic Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Meenu1991, Aug 22, 2018.

  1. Meenu1991

    Meenu1991 Bronze IL'ite

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    hi
    We just recently shifted to a new city and my husband’s workload has also increased. He goes to office at 7.30am and comes by 9 or 9.30pm. I have a 1year old at home. And it is being so difficult to manage him all alone the whole day. We are new to this city and we don’t know the language as well. I have a servant who does all cleaning washing etc but with no help from hubby I stay all alone the whole day. It’s too depressing sometimes. My boy walks so I take him out sometime, but most of the time I will have to carry him so difficult to stay out also longer. I request my hubby to come early but that never seems to happen and it’s like I would go into depression sooner if this continues. He works 6 days a week. I don’t have neighbors who interact well. So that is also not a possibility to spend time with them. Can you guys suggest me how to cope with this ? Have been in a similar situation.?
     
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  2. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Op..
    I understand that it is frustrating in a new city and with little help.. looking after 1 yr old is not a joke.
    I have also seen that the quality of life comes down in such a situation and builds resentment in you as you are busy all day long and your H would be tired once he comes back home and would not be able to take care of kid.

    If your H situation is long term, then definitely let him know how you feel. Put your son in daycare for few hours. Eventually you will get to know other moms and get some time for yourself

    Everyone has to understand that stay at home dynamics have changed this generation and its tough to take care of kids within 4 walls and there are other factors like kids safety while playing outside and getting addicted to screens while at home. Daycares are very much needed now a days.
     
  3. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    This is my point of view maynot work for everyone. I took a break from work after my second Kid. This was a decent financial cut for us. The understanding between me and husband was that he would focus on getting the moolah while I would manage things on the home front. He travels , has meetings most of the day when he is in town. We get one good day every week to spend time as a family. The rule that day is to not touch the work phone and give 100 % attention to me and the kids. I keep the day free for the kids , cooking done , errands and chores taken care of earlier in the week.
    I had to develop a good friends network and some hobbies to keep myself sane with two naughty kids. Socialize with other moms and also keep some time for yourself. We friends take turns watching kids so the other mom can get a break , run errands or take a music class.

    With better organization and time management you might be able to manage . When I worked full time I knew how difficult it was to come home early from work . So it may not be easy.
    Find a good nanny or daycare if that helps.
     
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  4. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Watch good movies, read good books, read up on your subject , do self development stuff, pursue hobbies, experiment with new recipes..these will make u refreshed..
    Whenever possible take him out for half n hour atleats, the fresh air will make you feel good..
    Weekdays when your husband is at work finish if all household and other works, do all meal prep and other prep for weekend on fridayoyself..during your husband s weekly off, u could all go out somewhere for a few hours and spend quality time together.
    Be patient, just 6 more months to go..1.5 years and above your boy will be eligible to join play group, u can enrol him in a good play school for a few hours..he will be occupied and you can also get a little me time..
     
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  5. Lalithambigai

    Lalithambigai IL Hall of Fame

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    Really sorry to know and I request you to not take any drastic step. Give yourself some time. The best response you can give him is to succeed and live life like his leaving you didn't matter to you. Easier said than done I know.

    Nothing. If at all anything was going on they would have been together by now. Hope I am wrong in thinking so but I feel he has found someone else and moved on. You seem to be believing all that he says so he might have made up all this knowing that you are not in direct contact with his wife. Time to move on my friend. For yourself and for your DD. You CAN do this.
     
  6. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Your lovers wife has what you don’t. She is a mother to his son and that bond is definitely stronger than what you share with him. As a mother I am sure you realize that right ?
    Your focus now should be to fix the relationship with your husband . If that is not possible maybe separate . Your lover has made his son his priority . You need to do the same with your daughter.
    It would be tragic if you decide to end your life for this and leave your daughter without a mother.



     
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  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    @lakshita1111
    Your lover is a weak man. A coward .

    I do not believe he is as helpless as he claims.
    He has a right to meet his child.
    All he has to do is go to court.
    He is as it is living a life of a single person.

    You were his comfort zone just like he was yours.
    He is not so different from you.

    You are still married to your husband.
    Even if you do want a divorce,if it ever came down to getting one,you would not find it easy either.
    You have a young daughter. She has a home together with you and your husband.

    He is never going to be a life partner.
    If you want to be sure....ask him to divorce his wife and fight for joint custody or visitation rights.
    If he refuses,then you can be sure he will never be yours.

    Let him go. Think of him as a good memory and move on. If you can't see the positive,then think of it as a small accident . Now you need to heal and recover.

    Talk to your husband.

    You need not tell him about the affair.....because he did tell you you can have your own life. No point hurting his feelings.

    Talk to him about your loneliness and depression.
    Spend time with daughter .
    Spend time as a family even if it is difficult.


    As for counsellor....you should make an effort to go.
    It will help you.Why are you reluctant to see a counsellor?

    Your life is precious to your daughter and husband .
    Your daughter needs you more now than ever.
    Your boring husband may not be made for you,but he loves you and cares for you.....even if it as flatmates.You are the mother of his only child.
    You have a family . Go and be with them .
    Find comfort in them.

    Rest you can sort out when you feel better .
    Wishing you good luck and a long and healthy life with loved one.
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2018
  8. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    For you it was not a serious relationship because you were still married. Same with him , he was married when he had this affair with you. Both of you enjoyed it for the last six years. That's the only advantage. As both of you are not committed no one can be blamed for break up. You got what you did. He is committed to his son than you (his version may not be 100% correct. I cannot believe that he never approached court to get child custody or visitation rights . I dont even believe his version on his relationship with his wife, if so why she is fighting about your relationship with him . It may a lie to build an extra marital relationship with you or may be he found someone else now). You also should try to do the same-move on with your life. Anything can happen in these kind affairs behind marriage. So learn from this experience & better move on. Your daughter and family life is important than this relationship

    If he gets a divorce and if he is interested to marry you, Will you like to go with him? if so get divorce from you current husband and go instead of cheating your dh. Ask your lover if he is ready for divorce from his current wife, if not this relationship is not going to do any good for you.

    If not, give time to yourself. When one is out of sight, its like out of mind. Move on and focus on your life and daughter. You can also consult a counselor to help you.

    [May be you should start a new thread or ask admin to do so]
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2018
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  9. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Like others suggested, try to use weekend to bond with dh. That time you all can go out or relax. You have a help, thats an advantage-use it wisely. Try to build a schedule, and find time for yourself ('me time') (You will find many posts on how to do it in IL forum). You need to relax a bit. If you can, try to find some time with dh too. Planing may help you. Take baby to sleep before 9PM. So when dh comes home you two can spent some time. That will also help.

    Do whatever that make you smile and happy ( watching movie, comedy , music, books whatever..). Try to get out of your home everyday at least for a walk with your baby(check if an umbrella stroller is useful). You can even consider a daycare for a few hours if that works for you.

    This phase will pass. Dont worry. Be positive.
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2018
  10. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Problem # 1
    According to your own words, your dh was ok with you doing whatever you want except for a divorce, so even if this affair went well, you might still be stuck in your own marriage.

    Problem # 2
    Your lover sounds like a typical guy n says the usual things most guys says during affairs. They will never divorce, they would have already done it during their separation or by now after the affair if they “really” wanted to. They both will be ok to be in a “complicated” relationship but never divorce. N she or he will continue to question about the other because they are still legally married n have no intention to let go of the other. So no point asking how can she ask, etc.

    Your options are:
    See it as just an affair n move on - not easy, will have to go through heart break n such, but no other choice, no point hanging onto him anymore. If you do now, you maybe blamed as a home wrecker now or worse. Better to stay away.

    Move onto a new relationship: I know one friend who is in a very unhappy marriage, can’t divorce, gets into affairs, goes through depression during break ups, moves on to a new one, just like how single people goes through normal relationships. She has been doing it for 20 years now, n still does. She says she has no other go as they can’t divorce, n the relationship can’t be fixed.

    Give your relationship another chance: use this chance to try one more time, really really hard n see if it can be fixed, since this can be a permanent solution for you.
     
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