Daughters of Narcissistic mothers

@coolgal123

Sorry to hear that you too had a narcissistic moms. Not necessary that all NMs beat their child, there's more to their behavior than beating. So yes, your moms behavior surely seems like one of narcissism. No child deserves to be put down like that.. its hurtful as moms are supposed to be a child's first cheerleader. But glad to know that you had a supportive father. Atleast you have reprieve in form of your dad. How are you dealing with your mom now? Is she still involved in your life? Hope you are healing from your scars slowly but steadily..Thanks for sharing your story.

 

Dear @jmsd,

Perhaps this is the time to tell you that it was your previous posts on IL that made me connect it to my mom’s experiences, it was your story that led me to research more on this topic and find answers to most of our 'whys'.

Your previous posts about your mom’s treatment of you when you were a child etc, resonated greatly with me as it was exact similar experiences with my mom. In one of your posts I sensed a lot of confusion, a lot of unanswered questions and I connected with that as growing up with my mom I sensed all the exact same emotions in my mom. Mom would confide a lot in me and I became a close friend to her as I grew up listening to her stories. This brought us closer. A lot of the times I would support my grand mom and give her the benefit of doubt. Not because I loved my grandmom but because I couldn’t phantom how a mom would do that to a child. I always felt there was a reason why grandmom would treat mom a certain way etc. Maybe mom was too naughty, maybe mom was stubborn, maybe grandmom was stressed etc etc. But now I know the reason. The reason has nothing to do with mom but with my grandma’s personality. And it will never change that’s what I have learned from a lot of books on this topic. And that is the worst of it.

Is healing possible? Yes it is. Will it take a long time.. yes it will. Has my mom healed? Not completely as the scars are still there but she has accepted it as part of her life and moved on as she’s busy focussing on other things in her life eg: me , my kids, her friends, her career etc. When she was younger it would have been harder as you see people with their moms and you yearn for that. But as you grow older, once you are completely independent of your maternal family then it surely gets easier. What also helped making it easier is the distance mom kept with them. The distance does not undo the hurt. Mom was hurt, best years of her childhood were overshadowed by this treatment, just like you have been, she had to accept that she was hurt, she didn’t have a good mom like most did, just like you will have to. Once you accept it, you grieve and then you are ready to move on to make the rest of your life happy. Mom decided to focus all her energy on her career, me and on my dad. She went ahead and finished two degrees while growing me up and having a job. We had a happy life and it also helped that over time we were doing better in our lives than her maternal family. Karma perhaps?! Who knows. But it improved my mom’s confidence. She had come to a point where she said she doesn’t need anyone and she will never rely on her maternal family for anything ever again. With that thinking we are completely cut off from them which made our everyday lives smooth as our minds gets busier with everyday chaos.

There are lots of websites and forums where people share their experiences and how they healed. A lot of resources online help you understand ways you can heal the scars. I made mom read up on these and she found it greatly resonated. Though shes in a place now where she doesn’t care much it made her feel like she knows why atleast. Why her mom is different and that she wasn’t imagining all this and why it was different for her.

As for this…

Im grateful that mom was exactly opposite to her mom in every way. If I feel so highly about my mom, its only because of what an amazing mom she is to me. I am sure you are too a good mother to your kids and that will definitely be the biggest gift you can give them and the best medicine for your broken heart. Hugs to you.

 

Yes generic, that is too. It is their past that makes them like this. In my grandma's case, she is from a super dysfunctional family and never had moms love. She had a screwed childhood to put it mildly. But yes no justification for treating one child like this while treating another completely different. No justification for putting a child through this kind of treatment.

 

Glad to know you have been changing your behavior and that posts like this are helping you in some way.
Show both your kids all your love, affection, patience and maturity..long after all the choclates have been consumed, all the toys have worn out, it is only your love,hugs, affection and encouragement that will stay in their mind forever.