Daughter after marriage become outsider ?

Maybe your family is jealous as you are married to a nice man and have no problems .
Dont worry , let them be but they should not be putting down your DH.
As for your looks , you have inherited what your parents have got !!!
Dont let their remarks bother you though its sad to be let down by your own kin.

 

Unlikely scenario and a long shot. They may be missing you for your choices and some people start behaving like this to lower the value of what they are missing. Dunno if that makes sense.

My MIL loves for us to return to India (for good!) and used to use similar language with us whenever she misses her son badly. At least this used to happen in the early years. We (used to) take them as blessings and try to understand her love. He used to make it a point to visit them frequently.

 

My 2 cents:

Answer is Yes.. daughters do become outsiders after marriage..but the real difference really pops up when brother gets married ..and after that your parents may still support you the same, but brothers definitely they change... infact they should..ultimately its their wife who is the most important part of his life.. Frankly, its good for duaghter's to accept the fact that they are outsiders to continue having respect in their family of origin.. what I mean here is:

i. absolute No interference in brother's life in any way,
ii. don't ask too many questions to your brother after marriage, and expect him to answer all your questions and share his plans with you
iii. don't expect him to call or visit you too often,
iv. don't give your opinion on things until you are asked and even if you are having strong urge to say something say it in most politically correct words,
v. never hurt you SIL with your words or actions.. give her more love than your own parents n brother..


list is becoming long... but i have seen many cases where daughters or parents don't accept this fact, in those homes someone is always unhappy..whether its parents or SIL or brother or the daughters themselves..

Best we can do is just be there for them always but don't expect anything in return .. i know its easy to say but hard to do.. but that's life.. after marriage, our family is our husband n our kids .. everyone else is extended family!!!

 

It is really sad that your mother at this age is pitting you against your SIL. Though people grow older their thinking doesn't mature. Best way to counter such comparison is by saying ' Ya mom, i think my SIL is really lucky to get my bro as her husband, I'm happy for my bro to get such a nice wife. But then i'm also happy for what ever God has given me, I'm really happy with my husband and parent like in-laws'
I'm sure once you answer back your mom like this, she'll never repeat her comparisons.
You need to be a little mature in handling such tricky situations.
I know it hurts a lot when your own mother behaves like this, i too had my share of woes after marriage. Right now, feel blessed that you have nice husband and in-laws, focus on your family. Not many people are fortunate enough to have a nice husband and in-laws. i don't think it is worth spending too much of energy on your mother's mindless words.

Good Luck

 

hi dear ABCMART,

you know i just came to the section to write the same question you just launched yesterday!

Indeed I have been married for some months now and I have felt my parents are becoming almost like strangers...I know it may sound shocking to some but it s so true!
My parents are so materialistic (though are not considering themselves as such of course!!!)... My husband and I are more on the spiritual path and are vegans. This my parents don t understand.
They feel as if my husband stole me from them...
My in laws are so adorable, I consider them as my own parents; the same way, they consider me as their daughter... I feel that my mo, especially is so jealous about that...she s always been so close, my mom( too close i should say in fact)...It is a very strange feeling...

For example yesterday was her bday and we had planned to make a party. But one week before , one relative called from India ( we live in Paris, France) and said she would be staying there and it was made so that on the day of my mom s party, I would have to take care of the young relative and show her around the city...i didn t cancel my mom s party, just postponed it of 2 hrs ...
My mother welcomed me with a grinning look...sulking... Do you, ladies, think it was a big thing to come 2 hrs late having warned her? To me , it wasnt a big deal...anyways...
Now, I feel more and more my mom is holding my hubbie responsible for everything ( though nothing serious is happening ...) and she has even started finishing our phone conversation in a very formal way, which makes me feel so much far from her.
She used to call us four times a day which at one point started annoying my husband...

MY mom really reacts in a very childish way, I feel...

Please, share if you have had some analogical experiences.

Dear ABCMART, did you overcome your health issue? My sis also has had some cysts since childhood... don t know how to treat them away...

 

This is one aspect that definitely needs to be counselled about for indian ladies before marriage, i guess. We do become outsiders. That is the fact. Husband and kids come first, then in-laws( as they definitely continue being part of the family and understand your living style ), then parents as we still have some responsibility on them.
Just wait and see. After the marriage, your mom would definitely have some complaints about your SIL ( which MIL doesn't, come on). Then she would be complaining about her to none other than you. You don't have to turn against your SIL just because your mom praises her now and needn't turn against her later when your mom complains about her. Take it in your stride.
Concentrate on your health right now. try to be cheeful.

 

I know am responding a little late to this thread, but have/had a similar thing in my family and thought it would be of help.

Have an younger brother who got married after 7 years of my marriage. I got married at 21. It took a really long time for my parents and brother to get over the Void that I left in the home and in their lives after I got married and came to USA.

When My brother's engagement was fixed from that day I started hearing stuff like the girl is very pretty, she is very polite, does not get angry like you etc. I kept ignoring as it was not intentional at all. After my brother got married, My parents used to continously tell me every other day how lucky they are to have that girl as their DIL and how much she takes care of her. Sometimes silly comments like 'Oh that dress looks good on you, it would look even better on your SIL'. Once my mom even sadi 'Oh she is so precious to us now, that we consider her more than you'. Do you think she really meant this, NO !! I am very mature and took it all as they gotten over me not living with them anymore. I am so glad for my SIL for taking care of my parents and stepping into my shoes so perfectly. She has taken more care of my parents than me. And you know what we both are the best buddies from Day 1. :thumbsup

Let your parents and Brother know that you are glad that the girl entering that family is so lovely and liked by all. And tell themyou would like to know her more etc etc. Be brave and positive. It all depends on teh attitude.

Hope I did not offend anyone by sharing my side of the story.

 

Sorry for breaking in .. But I really could'nt stop posting for this.

I like your attitude.:thumbsup. Not many of them will have such a clarity in handling people.

 

It may happen in some families. My mother considered me an outsider from the day I got married. She still does. Whatever I have done, is not at all important. Only what SIL had done matters. I am happy that my mom is adjusting to her DIL but she is too much too.
Try to keep your cool. At least you have good in laws and husband. So keep your mind free of such emotions and enjoy life!