Dad is having an affair, help!!!

Gauri03 · Jun 13, 2010

Nandshyam said: ↑

How can u gauge her feelings? Her son knows her better I think
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I am not gauging her feelings nor did I ever claim to do so. I wouldn't be so presumptive as to suggest that I know Sanjay's mom better than him. I am merely presenting an alternate point of view. I state that it is what I would feel were I in her position and I ask others how they would feel. I reread my posts and nowhere do I make any speculations on Sanjay's mom's state of mind. I have only talked very generally. Any other implication can be attributed to the shortcomings of my linguistic skills and limitations of the medium we use to communicate.

sarma said: ↑

Next time I will be mindful when using these words in this meaning.
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Hey, don't sweat it. I guess I felt you were being condescending and decided to be a little wicked to you. I hope there are no hard feelings.

Nandshyam · Jun 13, 2010

nowhere do I make any speculations on Sanjay's mom's state of mind.
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Hey,

Following post of yours made me think that way and reply why Sanjay wants to do this shielding.

Gauri03 said: ↑

Sanjay, you seem to be handling this issue in a very roundabout manner. Your father is having an affair. The primary party affected by his infidelity is your mother. You are being unfair to your mom by not letting her know. By all means keep it from your sister as long as possible. But I cannot understand why you want to keep it from your mom. This is her life and her husband and she has a right to know. In fact I don't think you have any right to confront him, not without your mother. SHE is being cheated on and only SHE has a right to confront him. You can be present with her for moral support but you cannot do it without involving her. That she is emotional and weak is really not a good enough argument. If you support her and let her know that you will be there for her no matter what she will find the strength to deal with this.
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Gauri03 · Jun 13, 2010

Spiderman1 said: ↑

Which is why he is prolly trying to "shield" her from that.
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Spidey, don't you see the latent sexism in this thread. The mother is weak and emotional. The sister is angry and hysterical. Only the son is strong and sensible and wants to have a man-to-man talk with his dad. Why do we assume that the women are too weak to handle this? Why do they need to be shielded? Before you get mad at me, know that it is not anyone in particular that I am calling sexist.

Nandshyam said: ↑

what if she never finds out. She dies in peace.
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Yes such a woman spends her life peacefully, loving, respecting, caring for and generally giving her all to a man who probably doesn't even want to be with her. It is a wonderful arrangement for the son - he gets to keep his family intact, for the dad - he gets away scot-free having to pay nothing for his indiscretions. The only person who gets cheated is the mom and the poor woman won't even know it. Doesn't she deserve the genuine, honest love of the man she is spending her life with? I don't understand how no one sees a problem in this arrangement. Maybe I am weird but If this were to happen to me I would much rather know and live in pain, than live in ignorance no matter how blissful it may be.

Gauri03 · Jun 13, 2010

Nandshyam said: ↑

Hey,

Following post of yours made me think that way and reply why Sanjay wants to do this shielding.
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Come on Nandu. I am talking about her rights not her state of mind. Where do I say she must be feeling this and she must be feeling that. Anyway, as I said the medium is flawed and so is my writing. We write something and the reader reads something else. So here is my clarification. I am talking about the lady's rights here not her feelings. Two very different things.

Spiderman1 · Jun 13, 2010

Gauri03 said: ↑

The mother is weak and emotional.
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Thats as mentioned by Sanjay, and dont u think he'd know his mom better than us? If she is weak and emotional, then he needs to take that into account.

Spiderman1 · Jun 13, 2010

Gauri,
Besides that, if she is indeed weaker then - what if her (mom's) health deteriorates gradually if she cannot bear this situation? A son (Sanjay) will have to consider all aspects before jumping on the final course of action. Damage (EMA) may have happened, and it seems to be that Sanjay is in Damage-Control mode, no one can deny him his desire to keep the damage minimal now.

This is a painful situation any which way he decides.

sarma · Jun 13, 2010

Gauri03 said: ↑

Spidey, don't you see the latent sexism in this thread. The mother is weak and emotional. The sister is angry and hysterical. Only the son is strong and sensible and wants to have a man-to-man talk with his dad. Why do we assume that the women are too weak to handle this? Why do they need to be shielded? Before you get mad at me, know that it is not anyone in particular that I am calling sexist.
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Nice spin, gauri! Living in the the good ol' USA we get spoiled into thinking that other countries are like us.

India is sexist and the legal system is also sexist. The system is inherently stacked against the woman. When did you hear about a woman getting half the property in divorce in India? Have you heard about a woman converting to Islam and getting another husband, like Dharmendra did as a man? I can go on. But you get my drift.

It's not sexist to consider the reality. It's arm chair liberalism not considering the reality.

Nandshyam · Jun 13, 2010

Gauri03 said: ↑

Come on Nandu. I am talking about her rights not her state of mind. Where do I say she must be feeling this and she must be feeling that. Anyway, as I said the medium is flawed and so is my writing. We write something and the reader reads something else. So here is my clarification. I am talking about the lady's rights here not her feelings. Two very different things.
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May be so, let's leave it at that.

Apart from that, you need to understand that, every woman is different. Especially women from generations older than you. There is no sexism going on here, it might very well just be that a son who wants to take care of his mom, a son who knows her much better than any of us here. Please, lets not jump too soon to conclusions with little that we know from a medium that you agree is not great in expressing one's thoughts and hurt him more than already he is.

Thanks.

Spiderman1 · Jun 13, 2010

Nandshyam said: ↑

Apart from that, you need to understand that, every woman is different. Especially women from generations older than you. There is no sexism going on here, it might very well just be that a son who wants to take care of his mom, a son who knows her much better than any of us here.
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Exactly.

Infact for crying out loud - read this thread:
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/98748-advice-please.html

I mean this is a person from current generation. I'm sure had this been Gauri or someone similar - the hubby would have gotten a "You dont need to divorce me, I'm divorcing you" statement a long time back. And that is what I intend to tell LovelyDoll (LD) there. But, I'm holding back, since quite a few anti-divorce proponents may get upset. But that is exactly what LD needs to do there, give the guy the finger - but thats besides the point in this thread.

Anyway the point here is - even current gen women are stalling (not all, it DEPENDS on the person, and only the people close to the person will know their personality) and it is not very surprising that Sanjay is concerned about a Mom from a prior generation which is more conservative.

Vidya21 · Jun 13, 2010

Doesn't the son knowing, and not telling the mother for whatever good reasons make him an accomplice to the cheating? Its sticky, but eventually I think the woman needs to know - she is the one being cheated on.

Like Gauri said, I'd much rather know and handle it than not know and be cheated out of a lifetime of trust. Cheating is a transgression, and however much damage control one tries, its just that - a line once crossed is only going to mend things, and whether or not to mend is for the couple to decide and no one else. Maybe its just our generation that thinks like this, but women across all ages have far more resilience and strength than is sometimes assumed.