Cutting off Apron Strings

Finest Blog Winner - Second weekly pick of May 2011

When is the right time to teach children to be independent in life? And what is being independent means for children? Is it allowing them to play unsupervised, have sleepovers, allow them to own cell phones, insist that they do their own chores? Or is it a residential school experience?

We all have our own definitions of ‘Independence’ we want to inculcate in our children. My friend Reema thinks residential school is the ultimate place to become self-sufficient human beings, while my another friend Shristi feels it’s by leaving her two children, both aged below ten years, alone in the house with a maid for company is the right way. While Arpita leaves her two year old with her parents for a year, as she picks up a new job in a different station, Vaidehi is a working mom who leaves her tiny ones with hired help and in-laws as she regularly goes for her outstation tours. We all belong to the generation of mothers, who staunchly believe that sooner our children separate from us, better they will be able to fend for themselves.

I was coming from Kolkata to Coimbatore, after my vacation, and had to change flights at Chennai airport, with a six-hour wait at the airport itself when I saw a group of school-going children. They were in uniforms, and were playing all across the terminal building, enjoying themselves fully. They looked like they were going back to their residential school hostel after a vacation. Atlast when the flight was announced for me, I saw all of them board the same flight as well. And then the transformation happened. The group of bouncing, giggling, playing and happy children were slowly changing into a sad and long-faced group. In the flight to Coimbatore, they were hardly speaking, although the pilot came to meet and greet them in an effort to cheer them up. When the plane landed at the airport, I had difficulty in believing them to be the same children who were jumping all around the Chennai airport terminal only a few hours ago. They trudged and plodded through the airport routines, and seemed to have left their smiles in Chennai. I am sure all their parents whole-heartedly believed that their children will turn up to become better and more independent individuals than those who stay at home and hang on to their mom’s apron strings.

I know independence is an important virtue that I need to develop in my child, and being a helicopter parent, the one who hovers over their children all the time, will not help the young ones at all. And yet, I am at crossroads here. When to let go and when to hold on to my child, seems to be a daunting task for this generation of moms. To control or not to control, that is the question here. Mind you, often the question also turns into who will control too, will it be a single parent, or both parents, the head of the house or the teachers? And in all that we tend to overlook the sensitivity of children. Not all children react to things in a same manner. What works for one, may not work for another, and what seems like good performance or behaviour in a first glance, may hide huge issues including feelings of abandonment in children. May be its time we parents stop slotting them in boxes and pause to check if our pre-conceived notions about apron strings are what is required for our children or not in reality.

 

Hi Hridaya, welcome to my blog and thanks for your comment. Yes, I agree with you that there are no right or wrong answers here, but making a mistake with our children too turns out to be very costly.

 

Hi Mssunitha2001,

Thanks. I am begining to look forward to your comments.

 

Hi Vidchakra, I agree with you, but I also feel its important to check if your child is actually happy in a residential school or not. What works at 18 years of age, may not work that well at eight years of age, isn't it?

 

yes, sreemanavaneeth, nothing can compensate for parental care and attention for children, but today more and more parents are thinking that parental love and affection are replaceble, or in the very least, must be supplemented with other components as well. with that we are treading into a hugely grey area.