Cultural difference OR ego, what seems to be the problem here ?

I am a well educated girl from a middle class background. I am currently working as a Team Lead in a Private Limited software development firm since last 5 years and settled in my job.
This issue is regarding my marriage. There was this boy who came to see me a year back at my home. I am from western part of Maharashtra and they are from eastern part of Maharashtra. Everything seemed fine and we proceeded with things and fixed the marriage in month Oct 2009. The problem occurred when during this meeting, we observed that there are some differences in the traditions in both the sides. Firstly, in our region, we always share the marriage expenses between Bride and Groom side. However in their region, the engagement and marriage expenses are borne by Bride side only. When we shared our expectation with them, they disagreed with it. They were not ready to compromise on things. So we compromised and decided to borne all the expense except the travelling charges of them from their place (Chandrapur) to Mumbai and Mumbai to chandrapur. They were still not happy with it as they felt that we are trying to insult the groom side by making them spend the money. My father got very angry with their attitude however because of my other relatives he kept mum.
My engagement was almost like marriage, it is been arranged in a hall in school however it was decorated nicely with photographers and video shooting. There were 15-20 relatives from their side as well as 15-20 friends. And same from my side. Engagement is a personal matter so we invited only close relatives and friends. They had a problem with that also. According to them, the location (School hall) was not good, they argued why only few of relatives had come as well as they didn’t followed the tradition in my region, argued with Bhikkhu ( The person who conducts the ceremony). Even though it has been decided that the marriage will take place in Mumbai, they said that “your traditions are different, we want the marriage in Chandrapur.” They said this in front of all my relatives and argued on it. My father got angry again on them, as it felt insulting in all relatives.
After few days, we got call from their side as we can have the marriage in Mumbai. My father disagreed at that time, said why you are changing your words. Better keep it at your place now. The argument gone to a level that the engagement on the verge of breaking. Even my fiancé was also with his parents and fighting with my parents.
We both wanted to marry each other as I felt that it is just the fight of egos and tradition differences and we both decided to get married in court. My parents were agreeing with it however his parents were against it. So we didn’t involve our parents in it and got married with help of some friends.
My married life began and in a month his parents arranged a reception at their village. I didn’t want to argue further so I went there behaved nicely with everyone. And came back. My in-laws were quiet happy with me. (I suppose). I can understand that it might have hurt them as well as my parents as we got married and they were not present there to attend. So I decided to make things better between him and his parents and never give a chance to say bad about me. One day my relatives wanted to visit me at my home. So I invited them, and everything started boiling. My sister-in-law, my mother-in-law, father –in-law and even my Husband was against it. They told me that at least for 4 years none of your relatives will come in this house. I got hurt. It worsens when even my husband was also saying the same thing. I felt like leaving the house. And one day I left that house.
Now he is calling me back, saying now all your relatives can come. Please come back and blah blah blah….
I don’t know whether I should go there or not. And if I am going there, then what attitude / Strategy should I apply for them to teach a lesson?

 

re: Cultural difference OR ego, what seems to be the problem here ?

Hello Shilpa,

Its not like I want to teach them a lesson. I just want them to realise their mistakes. As you have said "if X rule applies to you then same shall be applicable to him as well".
He is ready for the same. However if I would also say the same thing that his relatives cannot come to my house, then how am i different than him? Am I not doing the same mistake as him?
Rather I felt that at least he should cope with my relatives and I will also do the same. And I even showed it through my behaviour at Reception as well as even later on we had gone over there for a week. I behaved normally with his parents and they also felt the same thing. even he was also happy after last visit to his hometown.

Rgds
Sneha

 

re: Cultural difference OR ego, what seems to be the problem here ?

Hey Gayatri

You rightly said that these are silly things. However when I spoke with him, it felt as if he is not convinced himself . When he said that he will allow my relatives to come to home, its just for me to come back. I dont know..It might be just my thought.

 

re: Cultural difference OR ego, what seems to be the problem here ?

Thanks Shilpa.............. I shall think on it.

 

Hi

What you both saying is right. Ya it was an arrange marriage, however afterwards it turned out love marriage. We both liked each other. Except our parents topic, we were fond of each other. Just because our parents cant reach to a conclusion, why we have to suffer.
Hence we went ahead. Even at the time of marriage he said that we will solve these things later. That later never came. Rather even I asked him when I left home , whether he wish to make the things workable for me or not. I even said that I understand it might be difficult for him to give me a time frame, but just tell me whether will it happen in near future... The answer came as NO.
And now when I asked him why did he answered as NO that time. He says , he was in frustration and out of frustration he spoke such things.