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Coping Up With Mother In Law After A Huge Fight

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Harini82, Apr 17, 2018.

  1. Harini82

    Harini82 New IL'ite

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    Ok .. they dont stay with us. We dont share the house. This is the first time he acted as a mediator.
    Also I dont agree with your statement of a father in law resolving issues between 2 DILs. If I have issues with my cosister, I will probably solve directly because she is just like me coming from a different family and of the same generation.

    This is going offtrack. If you can help resolve, feel free otherwise let others help me :)
     
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  2. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    @Harini82 sometimes we get too emotional and loose our thought process. I think at this point of time think what is bothering you more. is it the fact that you didn't convey all your issues or something else ? See if acting on them will make situation better or worst. If you think it will help you then maybe you can approach this subject again. Give it a few days and see if it is still bothering you. Time is the biggest healer.
     
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  3. Rosey2018

    Rosey2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    You’re a good person that you made up with her and are happy hubby didn’t take anyone’s side. Had it been anyone else it would have been why didn’t my husband stick up for me?

    Ur right she did insult you and not respect you. Ignore her because I’m sure ur BIL and his wife know she’s like that. There time will come too. I’d leave anything to karma if I was you. It always creeps up on those that wronged us.
     
  4. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    It is true I've noticed most women in the situation would be pissed if their husband did not take their side , or at best ask him to stay away from the matter altogether and let her deal herself .

    OP is a good person , and I feel that they dont have any major issues in their family , overall relationships are good so they were also easily able to smile and make up as if mother and daughter .

    As for losing respect , it's minor incident . Tiffs happen between MIL and DIL. I dint think BIL would lose respect for that minor thing so there is nothing to worry .

    since the MIL is a temporarily guest at their house , she would have been hurt if ops husband took her side , so OPs husband did the smart thing to mediate tactfully
     
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  5. Harini82

    Harini82 New IL'ite

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    Thats true that we get emotional. Also I didn't expect that was coming so l lost mind and words. If it is something I expected, I would have asked her a lot of questions I had in my mind over years and get clarifications and also clarify the questions she had. At that point, I was lost! Just lost! Felt shameful that it was happening ... felt shameful that it was happening before other family members and even more shameful when they were all QUIET! Yes, the fact that i couldn't convey my pain is definitely still there in me. I am trying to see if there is a way to overcome this fact by convincing myself that it is ok I couldn't convey my feelings and admit whatever she said were my mistakes.

    Knowing my MIL, I don't think I am wanting to take the risk of initiating the conversation again. At this point, I am trying to make myself a better person who can oversee other people's childish acts and excuse them with a beautiful heart. As you said, time is the biggest healer.
     
  6. Harini82

    Harini82 New IL'ite

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    Thank you for your kindest words. I really appreciate these words coming my way when I was feeling that I am a horrible person.
    SIL knows about her and she didnt say a word. I can understand her not talking as she doesnt want any rifts between them. I want Karma to hit in a good way so that they can realize that I respect them and want them as my family. I want karma to teach her to excuse small mistakes I do.
     
  7. Harini82

    Harini82 New IL'ite

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    Thank you for your kindest words as well!

    You are right! we dont have major issues at all in the family. Its just the way they live their life vs the way I was brought up. My family asks us for our availability before they book their tickets to visit us. Their family books their tickets and wants us to be available. I make sure to tell her the food she makes is yummy not because I like the food but because she put in the effort. And if it her, she doesnt mind criticizing if I put less salt or spices. Some people dont care but it hurts my feelings. This could be minor for many but I see that as a difference. I am starting to think from now on that I should imagine her voice to be of my Mom's and I should answer as though I answer my Mom. At this point, I am trying ALL ways I can do to make myself happy and make them happy.

    Yes husband is the best thing that happened to me. He dealt the situation very beautifully. BIL who I took care of for 1.5 years when he did not have job did not even speak a word. SIL who speaks with me everyday whining about MIL did not speak a word. May be they were just scared. I think thats why I felt more insulted. Time heals!
     
  8. Harini82

    Harini82 New IL'ite

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  9. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    husband is the best thing that happened to me. He dealt the situation very beautifully. BIL who I took care of for 1.5 years when he did not have job did not even speak a word. SIL who speaks with me everyday whining about MIL did not speak a word. May be they were just scared. I think thats why I felt more insulted. Time heals!


    Do you realize that you and husband are a team and can support each other . But BIL and SIL are independent entities, they do not have to support you irrespective of what you have done for them. Their relationship dynamics with your MIL is separate from yours, so don’t be disappointed about this. The rule in life is you fight your own battles and not expect anyone to pickup a sword for you. ( husband maybe but not always ).
    Another lesson for you here is to not be a part of SIL’s everyday whining about MIL. It leads to nothing constructive , so going forward when SIL brings up anything negative about MIL just say she is getting old and I do not want to indulge in negativity.
    Honestly there is nothing for you to be depressed about , this was a unfortunate incident but you learnt a lot of things . For one you have a supportive mature husband , so focus on that instead of ruminating over this. The right thing to do is to forget and move on with your head high with no regrets and no shame.
     
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  10. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Quite a bit of contradiction.
    It is a "happy" ending but you are left feeling hurt.
    You are happy that your hubby didnt take sides and helped mediate , but hurt that your BIL whom you looked after for 3 years didnt intervene ( also did not take sides), SIL to whom you lend a sympathetic ear didnt show any empathy.

    You were angry and upset that your MIL shouted at you abruptly, and in front of other family members, yet you didnt use the chance to clear your stand during the mediation. While the issue is resolved amicably you feel you have someways lost out. Like you probably want to tell your MIL to never ever shout at you in front of others, that you felt humiliated, perhaps you expect a sincere apology.

    What you did was perhaps for the greater good. But do you feel respect for your self? Because some part of you is clearly hurt, very hurt that you have to put up with this. That you let yourself down by not telling your MIL you feel/felt humiliated by her actions. Some of us do not like conflict and try to avoid facing such situations, feel relieved that the situation is resolved even if the resolution was not really favourable to us.

    Emotions are not forgotten. What is not forgotten is very hard to forgive. When your self respect takes a hit it festers within. That is why you are here, because you are finding it hard to go as usual. Probably something similar happened in the past, and you fear that this may repeat in future

    This may not be what you want to hear, but imo, you need to sort out what your emotions. Introspect. And be honest with yourself.
     
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