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Coping Suggestions - Explained

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Raindoll, Oct 3, 2016.

  1. Raindoll

    Raindoll New IL'ite

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    Sorry, I'm reposting as the earlier one sounded vague.

    My Situation:

    My In laws are very orthodox and have a low standard of living and thinking. They are financially appropriate but choose to live like that. Their condition is like a frog in well specially my mother in law who has no respect for herself, is often shouted at and calls herself a fool. But she is very smart to get her needs met and her sweet tongue gets her lot of sympathy. My sister-in-law rules this roost and interferes in from topics ranging grocery to mockery of relatives. We have always stayed separately and it took me five years of marriage to understand them completely. Earlier I was in job so was able to ignore all this. Now I feel depressed to be associated with such a family. I tried changing them but my time and money all went waste.

    Things took a bad shape after my son was born and my husband moved abroad with us. I quit my job to take care of my son with zero help. We moved when he was one month old. Let me introduce my family here, my mom is a widow and my sister had just separated from her husband during the time. They live together with my uncle and have a win win situation understanding with them. I never fitted this equation and had no house to goto. My In-laws stayed in a very small house back then so it was understood I cannot stay there too. Besides, each time I visit my sister in law comes too and that increases the workload. I think she has jealousy and power issues. Sorry for the vocab, my MIL is too dumb or too selfish that she never says no to her.

    I was a first time mom and little did I know it takes a village to raise a child. I headed alone in a foreign country with a newborn. Motherhood/household chores took a toll on me and very soon I started asking for help. But didn’t get any, everyone cited some reason. I had a major fall out with my mother and sister when once they visited me on the pretext of help but were actually tempted with the idea of an international trip. I had a nervous breakdown and I fought with them. (I have had depression and it was diagnosed few months ago). We did not talk for a year and my Father-in-law enjoyed being the peace maker and leading the show. My whole family cut off from me.

    I tried to focus on the in-laws’ side but I couldn’t come to terms with their uneducated and uncouth ways. There way of doing things is way outdated and often unhygienic too. Besides, I noticed a major change of attitude after this, they were more controlling and often side casted me. My MIL made me feel as I was a caretaker and she owns my husband and son. I felt like an idiot doing all the dirty work and they enjoying the lion’s share. They had frequent skype calls ruining our privacy. My husband said he supported me but I often found him mute when he should have stood by me.

    The final blow came when my son was diagnosed with a sensory modulation issue and is now receiving therapy services. I was unable to accept this as I was raising him with all my might. I started fighting with everyone, my son, myself, my husband. I felt suicidal many times. Doctor diagnosed that I’m under depression and I’m taking medicines now.

    Two months back in a fit of anxiety me and my husband decided to visit my place to patch things as I really needed help and his folks were just adding stress. One of my cousins had maintained ties with me and made my mother and sister realize too. My mom was very sorry though my sister kept quite throughout. My In laws also reached my place without my knowledge and complained about me. They spoke mostly negative. My husband says he was not aware of the trip but I doubt that. He also says he was not present when they spoke about me. It is a mystery who said what. The only good outcome is my folks have reunited with me and promised unconditional support.

    My Concerns:

    I'm very very mad at my In-laws. It is very apparent that they have double face. It seems they told my family I have mental issues so I should be separated from my husband till I recover. Ya right and what caused that? I expected them to have told me how difficult it is to raise a newborn but they conveniently washed their hands off it and now mock me by saying you never told us. I once went to my in laws for help to stay with them but had to return as they did not make any changes that could have helped me. No maid servant wants to work with them and sis in law comes as soon as I reach. They made me work and manage my child and to top it imposed their orthodox views like bura nazar etc on me.

    They also said I’m a threat to the brother sister bonding in the house as I disapproved my sis-in-law visits the time I’m there. I did do that but it was so I could manage child and housework together. She doesn’t lift a spoon.

    My family is now ready to support me. They have better living standards and are more educated and resourceful than them. I wish to follow the belief system on my side and raise my kid in a similar way. I also want to better my relation with husband but off late he gets mad at me the moment I speak about them. Could be work pressure or could they have been poisoning his mind. They have been acting very insecure. They say yes to everything my husband says but manipulate behind. Can wise ladies reading this post suggest me how to lead my life from here. I’m open to feedback on me also, just don’t be very harsh please.


    Thank you.
     
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  2. MNR

    MNR Gold IL'ite

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    Looks like there are many things are happening around you.

    In your post your not staying with DH , and planning to get separated, correct me if I am wrong . no physical abuse ?
    If you have gone through thread in IL many got a suggestion to not to discuss IL's matter with husband's. This would solve 50% of the problems you have. You are saying your In laws are orthodox, you want to follow high standards.

    I agree you dont have to follow their customs, also you should not have expected them to take care of your kid, This is again old orthodox rule I believe. we should not expect anyone including grandparents to take care of our kid, unless they are willing to. Its you and your DH brought the kid to this world. you are responsible for your kid.

    Also you said your mom was also not helping you during pregnancy/delivery. What made you forgive and accept her now. So now why can not you do the same to your in laws and DH.

    You can follow your beliefs, thoughts staying with DH. take DH into confidence. If possible stay away from in laws for a while. separation is not always a solution. Think of your kid without a dad. How would he feel when he is into growing age? Do you think these small beliefs gap a worth to separate your some from his dad. I don't think so.
    What is your husband's say in this all ? Looks like he want to patch. Your making big issue now making him to accept their side faults. He would have forgiven all their side as you did to your mom and sister.


    Just have a calm mind and think about your future. you are looking help from outside leaving your DH behind. This is not fair.
     
  3. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    Even now you can ignore this. Its just that you are thinking about the same thing over and again.
    You are too overwhelmed with the baby. Result is you are into depression and losing out on your baby's precious childhood.

    Did you not know that you would not have help when you move abroad. Its YOUR baby and YOUR responsibility.
    You are saying you never fitted in the equation. How did you expect help from any one of them ?
    In your 5 years of marriage where you said you understood them completely - and said that your MIL and SIL never lived up to your desired standards and that you r MIl is dumb and selfish - how did you expect help from them either?

    Every first time mom goes through this. You are not the only one.
    Did you not know prior to your trip that you are travelling with one month old baby and that you will be alone.
    When you did not fit the equation with you mom who lost her husband and your sister who is separated from her husband and when you are not happy with the standards of you inlaws , am wondering whom did you expect to come and help you.

    Dirty work as in ? Please give him some benefit of doubt. Maybe he was tired of listening about his parents' standards not matching with your expectations. Maybe he was tired of you complaining about his sister or parents or your parents - something or the other and chose to stay mute rather than talking something.

    This is the whole reason for you to feel whatever you are going through now.
    Relax OP. Take a chill pill. Take care of your son. Concentrate on his health first and try and be happy with your DH.
    There are so many husbands who abuse their wives so badly - physically and mentally. Be happy your husband is supporting you to a large extent.


    Because its you sister and mom, you could forgive them. But you cannot forgive and forget your inlaws mistakes. Remember, you mom also did not bother helping you with our baby ! Why cant you apply the same forgiveness to your inlaws? When you do not treat them equally like your parents, please do not expect them to be reconciling like your parents.

    From the beginning of your post you are talking as if its someone's duty to help you. Let me tell you its no body's business that you have baby. If someone is helping that their greatness but there is no hard and fast rule that someone MUST help you. If you read threads on IL you will know there are moms who are handling so many issues and are still raising kids all alone - not even with help from their DH.
    Why did you expect them to tell you how hard it is to raise a kid. Why did your mom not tell you?
    You do not accept their standard of living but go to them when you need help ! You think they are selfish and dumb but will expect them to help you. You think your MIL does not know anything and calls herself a fool but you expect her to teach you about raising a kid. Do you really think they would bother helping a DIL who thinks her inlaws' standards are low and who thinks her SIL interferes a lot in everything and who thinks her MIL is selfish and dumb?


    Before you banned your SIL did you ever discuss that you need help if she comes over.


    So far I have not understood what standards are you talking about. what belief system are you talking about.
    What do you mean by resourceful?

    It is very clear that you are depressed. Please take care of yourself and the baby. Am saying the same thing again - your baby is your responsibility not anyone else's.
    You need to concentrate on your health and must learn not to depend on people to help with your family. From what you wrote your DH does not seem to be a bad person. Take his help. You, your husband and baby - this is your family. Try and be peaceful - read books, make new friends, go for walks. The more you complain, the sadder your life gets.
    Forget the past , start a fresh life , from now on. Smile an blow the past away. Tell yourself that its going to be a beautiful life. Relax and relax more. You will be okay. Things will be good. Just learn to take help from your DH.
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2016
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  4. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, let bygones be bygones. Now you have two areas to focus. 1) Your health 2) Your child's health
    Next, focus on getting independent. Ensure you strengthen your relationship with your DH. Why? If your mother and sister have changed their attitude, great. People change. They realize their mistake. But for your own sanity, you must be independent. Because, it looks like you have undergone depression once (I am assuming you are well now. If not, go to a therapist/counsellor and get checked out). God forbid, if the change is not for real, you may end up worse, mentally, emotionally and physically. And you cant afford that. YOu have your child to take care of. Be strong willed. Get pro-active, eat well and exercise. Do NOT try to change your inlaws. YOu can't! The only person you can change is yourself. Change, so you are not affected by what your inlaws say or do. Everything is in the mind. Change your thoughts and your life will change
     
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  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    You need to stop thinking about the past. It is over. There's nothing you can do about it.

    Your ILs can't replace your folks. And it is he same for your husband - your folks can't replace his parents. Whatever said and done that's where he came from. Whether you like it or not, it is his sister. It is absolutely not done to act our when she visits her parental home. You need to apologise to hour husband for that -blame then work load, say you weren't looking at he big picture. It will help your healing.

    So the first thing is to stop holding on to the past and to stop criticising them. Keep your mean thoughts about them to yourself or for your therapist. IF they interfere, learn non-confrontational ways of dealing with them. Then forget about it and focus on what you need to do for the betterment of you, your child and your husband. In order to change your thought processes CBT will help. You can do it online or pick up a book or do it under the guidance of a therapist.

    Look at the positives at the moment. Your husband is supportive. You have patched up with your folks. You have been diagnosed and are getting help. Your child has also been diagnosed and is getting help. You live away from your inlaws - you can limit the amount of their interference in your life diplomatically and raise your child whichever way you wish. Have articles and studies researched so you can objectively explain to your husband why the way you are doing something is better or your specific family dynamics / situation.

    Unfortunately there isn't much awareness in India about mental health issues. Do not heed to your ILs' harsh words. How much you let that affect you is up to you.

    Remember your husband is on your side but he is stressed too. Work on one side. Plus he is obviously worried about his wife and child too - quite like you.

    Your child will benefit greatly from early intervention. There has been a lot of studies in the last decade or two in the area. Do your research in a focused manner so that you don't miss out on emerging techniques. Since every child is unique, the therapy has to be customised. Focus on getting your child the right support and see how you can pick up techiques to consistently use that will help your child quicker.

    Remember it is no one's fault. The question of why and how doesn't help anything and would only lead you through a downward spiral. What matters is how you deal with it now.

    Spirituality helps a great deal.
     
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