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Convincing Dh For A Second Child

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by chasingdreams, Jul 11, 2018.

  1. chasingdreams

    chasingdreams Bronze IL'ite

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    I deliberated over the pros of posting this here. But finally decided i don't have any thing to loose. So here goes.

    I will be 37 in a matter of weeks and my husband is 4.5 yrs elder to me. After my daughter was born my DH declared he did not want another child and I resigned myself to it. When my child was one year old, I got pregnant accidentally. The totally unexpected situation coupled with other factors like horrible morning sickness, no one for help in a foreign country (no relatives,friends ,maids), My DH's habit of constantly criticizing my parenting skills ( it bugged me so much that i even contemplated self harm), an infant to care for - made me decide to terminate it. My DH was not sure what to do when i conceived. He did try to talk me out of ending it and relented when I asked me how he proposed I manage ( his options were - u will manage somehow and go stay with my parents until the kids are older).
    Fast forward to now (2 yrs later), I find myself wanting another kid. The guilt of terminating the pregnancy has caught me off-guard on and off these past 2 years. It has only increased instead of reducing over time. went to a doctor and got base line tests done .They came out fine. I discussed this with my husband .But he flatly refuses to consider having another child (at his advanced age,according to him).I have tried reasoning with him sighting examples of couples who have had kids at an older age, how much fun it will be if our DD were to have a sibling, my willingness despite the age related risks. Nothing has worked. On the other hand, he has reduced the frequency of intimacy and is now travelling on business more often than before.
    I know that despite his reluctance, once I conceive, he will be ready for the child. But considering how sporadic intimacy is at present(that may change ) I don't see that as a possibility.

    Note: I forgot to add that he thinks i am self centered ( I concede that there is some truth to it) and wants everything to happen at my convenience. According to him, now that I am ready , he is expected to comply.

    What should I do in this situation? Suck it up and live since it is mostly situation of my own making? Is there anyway I can convince him?
     
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  2. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    Your husband is being reasonable. Obviously after 40, running after a toddler is the last thing a person would want. But I don't understand when you had conceived you didn't have to terminate your pregnancy then
    you could have worked around the way to manage things. But as you say your husband thinks that you want things done as per your wishes, it seems true in your situation.
    You want things as per your convenience, you terminated the pregnancy when your husband was ready . All I can say is that when you are married you need to consider your partner's emotions too. From your post its apparent that you probably don't . No offence though. Just my opinion.
     
  3. chasingdreams

    chasingdreams Bronze IL'ite

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    No offense taken @fourthaugust . I respect my husband's opinion.He does have valid points. I am resigned to it and am not making an issue out of the situation(don't intend to either). It's just that I feel he could be taking this stand because of what I did in the past (ie i feel he might enjoy another baby , if we were to have one). The intention behind the post is to see if anyone was in the same situation and how they dealt with it , and also to see if there is any practical way around it.

    ps:I personally feel i was battling mild post partum depression when i conceived the second time and was not emotionally ready for the challenges the situation posed. I do not know if it was the right decision(or a selfish one).But I did what I felt was the best.I also want to add that my husband also feels it would be better if DD had a sibling and has mentioned it's my fault 5-6 times in the past 2 years. I have told him, i cannot undo the past. I can only try and rectify the situation by having another baby if god is also willing, for which he says NO.
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2018
  4. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    I think as an adult its our responsibility to practice precautions if pregnancy is not on cards. I am very much against terminations among healthy couples like us. I don't understand how situations improve after killing our own baby.
    I know a couple who had a 14 years old son. Like you she also terminated her second pregnancy citing some lame reasons. Now their son has developed some health issues and they want to have another baby. She keeps cursing God for not giving her second baby which off course is laughable.
    No one should go through what they are going through as parents. But only if she had thought wisely then who knows how their lives would have been. Anyway God bless us all.
     
  5. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    I think as an adult its our responsibility to practice precautions if pregnancy is not on cards. I am very much against terminations among healthy couples like us. I don't understand how situations improve after killing our own baby.
    I know a couple who had a 14 years old son. Like you she also terminated her second pregnancy citing some lame reasons. Now their son has developed some health issues and they want to have another baby. She keeps cursing God for not giving her second baby which off course is laughable.
    No one should go through what they are going through as parents. But only if she had thought wisely then who knows how their lives would have been. Anyway God bless us all.
     
  6. chasingdreams

    chasingdreams Bronze IL'ite

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    @fourthaugust one can get pregnant despite taking precautions. But anyway i appreciate your inputs
     
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  7. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    He didn't want a 2nd child at all. He is just blaming you for the termination and using that as an excuse.
    40 is not too late. But with ur husband's sporadic intimacy, not sure how pregnancy is going to happen.
     
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  8. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Postpartum depression is real. Did he help you at all with parenting??what was wrong with your parenting skills?
    You husband seems to be self centered.
    Don't feel guilty all the time about the abortion. Past is over.
     
  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    He should have helped her rather than criticizing her parenting skills.
     
  10. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Then why doesn't he have one??
     

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