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Controlling Or Normal?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Penelope, Feb 13, 2018.

  1. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    Oh man....indian men are masters when it comes.to manipulating their wives
    without doing anything or proving anything , they make you believe in them. They have this talent which is probably no other men have. Even so progressive American women are not spared. Hats off to them...what a talent to have
     
    sindmani and Penelope like this.
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Women are being disrespected and not treated equally in India by various means. Therefore Indian men take this privilege of controlling their women at various degrees.
    It depends on their upbringing, and in particular from where they are coming from.

    While many posters here are shocked to read the way how you are treated by your H, I admit that I have seen worst cases than this, where women are treated like a doormats.

    At least in your case, you believe that your H loves you, but many marriages here run without love.

    There are women who work and earn a better salary than their husbands, yet they are expected to do all the chores at home including helping out the in laws. And most importantly, these women are compared, their quality of work is criticized, and their salary is fully controlled by their spouse. Despite of their education, and financial freedom, some of these women have no freedom to chose their dress, no freedom the plan their life, and in some worst cases, these women have no freedom to even to visit their parents (living in the same country).

    And believe me... these are not rare cases. Indusladies relationship forum has a good summary of all these.

    It is mostly about their tradition and upbringing. But their personality speaks volumes about it too.

    There are various kinds of men, ranging from good ones to bad ones. Of these there are various shades. Your H is one of these. But definitely not the odd one out here.

    They will control you, as long as you allow them to control you.
    Basically, they will put you in guilt mode as though you are a worst wife.
    Don't budge. Draw a very clear line about what you can do, and what you can't do.
     
    sindmani and Penelope like this.
  3. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    What is the meaning of love . Is it wild sxxx
    Appreciation. I work and my dh works . No matter how tired he is. He will wash the dishes every day even if i his mom is there . I live in 3rd floor in an apartment every week he will take close 100 pounds of clothrs of me and kids and his. He will make sure he does not put.my delicate bra in dryer. He does not care if there are women watching .

    But he is not good talking man. So quiet sometimes I get spooky.

    Too me that is love.

    Your dh is a abuser period .
     
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  4. Penelope

    Penelope Bronze IL'ite

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    The quote you left inspired me to look for more help from Vedic text. I found this site which lists all sorts of quotes from the texts.

    I thought you all might enjoy the link. Keep scrolling bc it is 2 consecutive articles.

    https://www.quora.com/What-do-the-Vedas-say-about-women
     
  5. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    It's not normal in india and this is not indian culture. He is just exploiting u in the name of culture since u r an American
    He is a shameless ****.
    Next time tell him ,he should have married an indian girl.
    Don't have any kids with him till u sort this mess
     
    sindmani and yellowmango like this.
  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    He might not care but you should care... that there are women watching. Fiercely guard what is yours. The man does the dishes, the laundry, is careful with delicates ... does not ask about your monthly salary ... does the dishes even if his mom is there... I would suggest putting a big black dot on the laundry hamper to ward off the evil eyes in the laundry room.

    Made for each other. Beautiful.

    About the not caring if there are women watching ... the litmus test is if he does not care that there are men watching.... Just saying.... : )
     
  7. Penelope

    Penelope Bronze IL'ite

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    What I learned:

    When I was angry and hurt all these comments made me think my dh was making a fool out of me.

    I was upset and was not seeing the big picture.

    Fortunately, my partner and I have a good foundation of trust. I realized he just needed a push and a mirror to see that he wasn't being the man I needed him to be.

    Also there are two sides to the coin. I also like to have control and have pushed him away at times when he tried to help because he refused to do it the way I wanted. He also reminded me that he offered a maid in the beginning and I said no because I didn't like the idea of a stranger in the home.

    Frustration boils and couples get out of sorts with each other.

    My dh was unaware of how overbearing he had become. He's the boss at work and it spills over when he comes home. He thought when I complained I was just being overly sensitive when he genuinely thought his criticism was constructive. He said 'if I comment on something once a day that should not bother you'. He appologized, when I told him, 'no darling it's at least 10 times a day and it's too much'. He didn't realize how bad he had gotten.

    Yes sometimes he manipulates and is completely aware of it. I call him out when I notice and beat him with the dish towel or with my disapproving look. Everyone tries one way or another to get things done their own way and that's why marriages take work. One of the most important aspects of marriage is that we help each other grow. So when our spouse shows their ugly, we have to help them instead of getting overwhelmed with feeling hurt. Otherwise we just continue a cycle of negativity and nobody wins.

    Where there is love there is a way.

    Our remedy:
    * Outsource: we agreed to have a maid come in twice per month.
    *He agreed to take on a few tasks to offset my daily responsibilities.
    *He will work on reducing his commentary
    *We will make more effort to meditate and practice yoga.
    *I will ask for his help and try to be patient when he becomes annoying and remember that it's coming from a place of love.
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2018
  8. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    And remove his shoes himself :wink:


    Jokes apart, glad you are able to resolve issues with patidev and come up with a solution . We normally never get to read positive outcomes of people posting here. Some of them never post again or things don’t have a positive outcome. Yes this forum can be dangerous but you must remember the intention is not to gossip and suggestions are based on what ever information the person provides. Sometimes it can be one sided but we wouldn’t know. Good luck with everything !


     
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  9. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    good to hear dear. this forum gives back as much info as you input.
     
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  10. Penelope

    Penelope Bronze IL'ite

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    I loved reading and laughing at some of these comments and really appreciated having an outside perspective. I can't talk about this sort of thing with my Indian girlfriends here or it really would turn into gossip.

    It definitely seems like everyone here has good intentions. And of course responses can only be based on what's written. I'm just saying this more as a general caution: It:s important weather we are talking with our friends, family, or in an online forum, that we remember there is always more to the story than can be put into one post or one conversation.

    Thank you for your input!
     
    kalcandu, fourthaugust and sindmani like this.

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