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Controlling Or Normal?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Penelope, Feb 13, 2018.

  1. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy Finest Post Winner

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    Please tell me this is not true
    That you are removing his shoe !
    Not something a Indian wife would do
    Next time he asks just say “shoo” !
     
  2. Penelope

    Penelope Senior IL'ite

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    I came to this site after he and I had a big fight. He said very dirty words to me and left the house. I knew in that moment that he had no true respect for me and I realized that is why we fight so much.

    You are all very right, I have let my soft spot for him and my nurturing personality get in the way of my integrity. He is very clever in his arguments and he knows how to get to me.

    Thank you for opening my eyes and helping me see that my expectations from him should be greater.

    After this fight, we talked and he blamed me for the way things went. After 24 hours and seeing that I was calm but distant and not wanting to be affectionate, he said: "I will not speak like that again". But he never apologized, I left the home early because I need time to think, I just told him I have work to do and I am going in early. He didn't want me to go and tried to talk with me. He said, "What's it going to take for you to get past this." I told him "It will take a lot." He said, "Just tell me and I will do a lot."

    He is a good man and often very loving and affectionate. I think everything would improve if he would critizize less and help more around the house.
     
    kalcandu likes this.
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't be in a hurry to forgive,and never ever forget.
     
  4. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    It is a great chance. Use this opportunity to set new rules in your marriage. Think and convey to him about what exactly you want, including sharing household jobs . Take your own time. Let him chase you this time. Let him know that you are not going to tolerate take lack of respect anymore. Demand respect

    If he criticize, convey to him that you are not perfect. Tell him, if he thinks he can do a better job , then do it himself, instead of finding faults with what you are doing.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2018
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    +1
    And talk about how disrespected he makes you feel .
     
  6. yesican

    yesican Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Penelope,

    I think its because he has seen his mom/or women in his family do the serving kind of thing, or grown up as thinking this kind of behavior is normal based on what he saw in his environment, that is why he is thinking you running around to serve him and do everything for him is "normal" probably because that was his "normal reality" in his parents marriage or while he was growing up. In his mind he is being perfectly normal n reasonable be cause he has probably seen this happening in his past.
    ADVICE: Now that the fight seems to be temporarily over, it might be a good time to sit down with him and have a conversation saying your expectations which might seem normal to you might be unconsciously based on what you have seen in your parents marriage in the past. However together we need to make a conscious decision to not let our past views of our environment, which might not work in the present reality.....and so on. (Basically try to make him understand what was normal in the past environment is not normal in the current environment)
     
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    He married a non Indian. I am sure he knows the difference .
    Probably op went overboard in trying to be a ' good' Indian wife taking inputs from him :).

    We see this in India too sometimes. Women from the western world going overboard in trying to be the good indian wife ,living in villages ,covering their head etc.


    Seriously op..how did you even get to this place. :laughing:
    Where did you see wife taking off husbands shoes. Did he tell you it is normal?
     
  8. Penelope

    Penelope Senior IL'ite

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    I just kept thinking Indian women are super humans/ goddesses and didn't want to disappoint him with my mere mortal status.:blush:.
    I'm embarrassed.

    It didn't start out this way, he started by being sweet and helpful, even cooking sometimes and giving me massages...bit by bit he asked more and more and showed his ugly attitude. By then I loved him deeply and waivered between trying to make him happy and arguing.

    Everyone seems really focused on the shoe thing. I should clarify- this is not everyday, but maybe a couple times a week, he collapses on to couch and asks in a cute way, I say no, he says please and pouts, I do it and call him lazy bones and he pulls me in for a hug. It's not quite as bad as what I think you all might be picturing.

    It's time to make some changes. Hopefully he responds well...
     
    Sunshine04 and kalcandu like this.
  9. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy Finest Post Winner

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    Wonder why we all are stuck on the shoe thing ? Because in Indian culture making another human being touch and remove one’s shoe because one is tired or lazy is considered the most disrespectful / sadistic act one can subject someone to. Don’t believe me ?
    Try this next time you come home after a tired day :
    A) collapse on the couch, put your feet up on the table
    B)Make a shweet pout with those beautiful lips, call him “Shona “ ( an endearing term that gets most things done in most Indian households ) and ask him to remove your shoes .
    C) watch his lazy A** Indian male ego collapse into a million pieces and watch him blow his top.
    D) run and hide

    If C ) and D) does not happen, he’s a keeper .

    Oh yeah, Indian women are super goddesses! The ones that stick their tongues out and carry an assortment
    of tools in their gazillion hands.

    P.S totally not judging you here, judging Mr. Lazy bones !!



     
  10. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Penelope,

    I am a 63 year old Indian man married to an Indian woman. Women doing a lot of work at home may be true probably couple of generations ago or even earlier. Even then, the Indian men who worked were sympathetic to their spouse and always try to help whenever possible. My dad helped my mom everyday and worked even harder over the weekends. Your husband is probably trying to create an impression that it is Indian culture but it is not. Only a very handful of families suffer from male chauvinism and even then, Indian women will find ways to straighten them over a few years.

    I work full time from home and my wife is a home maker. I cut vegetables for her every day of the week and cook at least 2-3 times a week. I wash my own clothes. I clean up the house as and when needed and fix whatever is broken in the house. I buy groceries or anything that my wife asks me to buy. Every time we invite guests home, I help her prepare lunch/dinner. I wake up very early and therefore, I make coffee for myself and my mother-in-law who lives with us.

    If Indian culture needs to be invoked for any reason, the men should have extraordinary respect for the women in general and women they love in particular. Removing the shoes, wife touching the feet of the husband with respect before going to sleep, etc. can happen only in TV serials. Wake him up from his dreams and ask him to jump in the time machine into 21st century. The reality is far away from what he is trying to practice. Keep him busy fixing things at home so that he won't have time to notice the faults around. If his vertebrae is bent forward to do more work around the house, he will find a way to remove his own shoes.
    Good luck for a very happy married life.

    Viswa
     

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