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Controlling Or Normal?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Penelope, Feb 13, 2018.

  1. Penelope

    Penelope Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Everyone,

    I am an American woman married to an Indian man. Sometimes I am not sure what is a cultural difference and what is just plain rude/controlling. I work full time and study in the evenings. I also do 100 percent of the cleaning and cooking. His greatest act of helping is occasionally taking out the trash or pick up something from the store if we run out. I love to cook and take care of the home, it brings me joy. But, sometimes there is not enough time to do everything including my studies, so bits of clutter hang about or some laundry goes undone. Our home is mostly clean and we always have enough clean clothes to wear, but I can't keep up. I feel like he expects me to be perfect all the time. He is constantly pointing out every little thing that hasn't been done. Why haven't you done this or that. He comes in the room and says you should do it this way instead. Do this first then that. In the middle of cooking dinner he wants me to make him a snack, then he complains that dinner is late. He is constantly complainingc but says he is a happy ray of sunshine. He asks me to remove his shoes when he comes home and calls me from the other room to give him something that's only a few feet away from him. If I complain or get frustrated by his constant badgering he tells me that I am being rude. He says he is just discussing and trying to help. I am a patient person and I rarely felt angry before we were together but the way that he acts like I should come running and do everything he says quickly makes me feel more like a servant than a wife. He says mean things then says come here give me a hug. He gets upset that I don't want to hug him because he hurt my feelings and then expects me to act like it didn't bother me. I have become negative and feel like I have to be very firm with him at times. I say things like leave me alone I just need to finish this and sometimes I just ignore him because I know he will continue to argue with me about simple things. He is growing more and more frustrated and so am I. Everytime I say something about how I feel, he says I'm being rude and refuses to admit that he could do anything to make things better. Should I accept that this is normal and try to get over it or should I continue to push him to understand my perspective?
     
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  2. shravs3

    shravs3 Finest Post Winner

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    Most of the Indian men are like that. In ancient India men have to work and women have to cook and take care of the household. But nowadays even woman are working so it’s not possible for them to do everything single handedly .And men like to be pampered by their mom’s and wive’s. So they try to dominate too much which is bad. But doesn’t mean you have to take his shoes !! since you are working and studying as well, you can divide some tasks between both . You can tell him that you are already very busy but trying to balance everything . Tell him that it’s affecting your studies and ask him to help in other household stuffs. You can cook but ask him to cut vegetables . He can put the clothes for laundry and you can rearrange them in wardrobe etc . Start dividing all such tasks so that even you get some time for yourself !
     
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  3. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    No....did you ever asked for his help? Make him work. If he points out something ask him to get it done. And are you serious about removing his shoes? Nobody does that in India. Op, he is using you in the name of culture. Please don't let him abuse you. You need to stand up for yourself. I stead of getting angry, tell him in a very calm manner that je is your partner and he cant expect you to come running after him like a puppy. Make him do the household work with you.
     
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  4. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    In india, it's even normal for homemakers to have 1-3 people helping them or atleast one to clean. As they realize everyone needs some kinda help / support.

    Despite having 4 live in maids, I have seen my grandfather helping my grandmother out. My fil still cuts veggies for my mil to cook everyday. She washes n dries all their clothes, he folds n irons all that. Husband's cleaning the house before going to work or cooking. I have seen these things.

    N I am talking about traditional indian men.

    N there are the other ones who are just spoiled brats n just plain lazy. Your husband is trying to do that in the name of tradition n male chauvinism, that a wife should do everything because that's why she's become a wife.

    Everybody splits up the work these days, the chores may change according to working / non working wife due to timing constraints, that's it.

    Draw up a chart, and split up the work under his name n yours. Say you can't work, study n do "all" the work at home too n that he's also part of that home n should contribute equally.

    This shoe thing, running across the house to get something that's few inches away from him and all, I have never heard of. He's prepping a slave looks like.

    N in a good marriage, two people should respect each other's feeling, him trying to throw a fit everytime you share your feeling is just another way to control you.

    He is in a desperate need of a reality check, wake him up when you still can. Or else you are gona suffer your whole life n become even more bitter n defeated.
     
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Wtf did I just read!
    Even your husband's grandmother would not take such crap in her days.
    The guy you married is giving his culture and all Indian men a bad name. He doesn't respect you .

    Next time you take off his shoes,land them on his head hard.

    Most Indian women would not take such s$$$ from their husband . The ones who take are called victims of abuse.You heard it . It is called abuse. Call him an abuser.

    Most working women and better off home makers in India have paid help to help them out . Even then the husband helps out with outside errands.

    Your husband is abusing you and looks like he is enjoying it like a sly cat. Why the hell are you taking this nonsense girl?
    Where is the self respect?
    Unless there is some sadomasochistic thing going on....this is not normal.

    Tell him you are not his Indian slave girl and he should get his mother to find him one in some hole in his village.









     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2018
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Penelope and Sandycandy like this.
  7. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Omg, you have got to do some training, and do it real soon.

    He is constantly pointing out every little thing that hasn't been done.Why haven't you done this or that. He comes in the room and says you should do it this way instead. Do this first then that.

    Tell him he is welcome to do it the way he wants to.
    And then you would love to critique it.

    He is constantly complaining but says he is a happy ray of sunshine.

    Ask him - really, who told him that - your mom?
    Maybe he is - he seems to be scorching you with his actions

    He asks me to remove his shoes when he comes home

    Why he has no hands ? This is just not done.

    and calls me from the other room to give him something that's only a few feet away from him.
    you go and take that thing and go to the other room place it there and ask him to take it himself.

    If I complain or get frustrated by his constant badgering he tells me that I am being rude.
    Dont complain, dont let it frustrate you. take charge and ignore.

    I should come running and do everything he says quickly makes me feel more like a servant than a wife. He says mean things then says come here give me a hug. He gets upset that I don't want to hug him because he hurt my feelings and then expects me to act like it didn't bother me. I have become negative and feel like I have to be very firm with him at times.


    Yes you have to be very firm and let him know you think his behaviour is hurtful , undermining your self esteem. Truth is , unfortunately , your husband is a very controlling man, such dominance is better dealt with early on. Micro managing, expecting you to do all the work, and not even letting you feel offended when you are hurt - woah!

    He is growing more and more frustrated and so am I. Everytime I say something about how I feel, he says I'm being rude and refuses to admit that he could do anything to make things better.


    Ask him to grow up and be an adult.

    I accept that this is normal and try to get over it or should I continue to push him to understand my perspective

    Well if you can put up with it for the rest of your life ...
    And are sure you will not get frustrated and bitter . Otherwise work on your strategy and hunker down one one or two things and get him to do it your way.
     
  8. kalcandu

    kalcandu Silver IL'ite

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    It is not normal. Please help your partner understand that any relationship is two way. If he expects that should care for him so much that you have to be at his beck and call, he should also return such kind of love and attention for you in some manner. From what you say and feel, it seems he doesn't contribute much. Please find a time where you can both sit down and talk things out. Try and express your reservations calmly and firmly. Don't be confrontative

    Running behind husband is okay provided he makes you feel so much loved that you are ready to fuss over him. But if he is just selfishly expecting royal treatment, then he is not treating you right.
     
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  9. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    NO . IT IS NOT NORMAL. It is not Indian culture. In true sense, women should be respected to get even gods blessings (see below)

    But most Indian men expect their wife to do cooking, taking care of kids and home etc. That was ok ( in the past not now, now a days even home staying wives expect their husbands to help them. I have seen many men sharing household jobs for his family ) as long he was the provider. It is not the situation now, they expect the same from even if wife is a working mom. They are not ready to grow up.

    We help kids with shoes when they are too small to do it. But not husband. He is treating you like a slave. ( I have seen in films where slaves remove shoes of their owners). I am not aware of any Indian woman who remove shoes for her husband (!!!!!!)

    Tell him very clearly that you are not his mom. You are his wife & partner, not slave. He is simply using (abuse?) you for his comfort. Wake up dear

    Listening to your husband and helping him with anything is ok as long as you are comfortable with it ( you are not , that s why you posted here) and also if you know that he love/respect you. But what ever you mentioned here clearly indicates that he dont respect you. You have to talk to him and let him know that it is not acceptable.

    If he is not listening to your concerns , then completely ignore those orders you cannot accept. Do only those you like to do. Make a list of jobs and ask him to share it with you. Ask him to grow up. He is not a kid. You have to say NO if he ask you to remove his shoes or ignore it. He has to treat you with respect if he wants to be respected.


    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "Yatra naryastu pujyante ramante tatra Devata,
    yatraitaastu na pujyante sarvaastatrafalaah kriyaah"

    Where Women are honored, divinity blossoms there, and where ever women are dishonored, all action no matter how noble it may be, remains unfruitful.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2018
  10. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Gold IL'ite

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    :worship2::worship2::worship2:
     

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