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Continued: Married Life Which Still Has Not Started

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by aamrapali, Apr 27, 2019.

  1. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    What I copied/pasted below is my post from 2 years back - May 8th, 2017. Nothing has changed, if anything it has gotten worse. It is slowly fading away. The extreme loneliness, isolation, lack of communication is sending me on a spiral downward. I can now actually feel myself declining physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am even developing all kinds of illnesses which I never had but now more frequently. Most recent visit with in-laws and fall out with them did not help. My own family has disowned me to a point of no contact after my first divorce. So without sounding over-dramatic here - this is pretty much as alone as it gets when you have no biological family and no marital family.

    I am staying focused and strong by continuing to work, follow my hobbies, sustain connections with friends, but I find myself getting tired. Without sounding overly insecure or paranoid, considering it has been this way with no change for the better for over a decade, I am beginning to suspect this may be their way of asking me to leave from their lives. If someone wants you to stay, this is not how it would be. You would put in some effort to retain that person. I have been more than necessary articulate to my husband but he absolutely refuses to budge and continues to be the same person to date - demonstrates no will or initiative to change. I won't be surprised if my MIL has even short-listed a few women to get him remarried for a child.

    From an extremely orthodox family perspective, I am only a social burden and garbage for I am not the DIL they wanted, I am not their caste, their community, I was already married once, and the last straw is I did not give them grandchildren. They have no use for me. Now I think even financially I may not benefit much for my husband is an extremely weak character person and he will give everything to his parents.

    Now I am in two minds - stay and just go with the flow, whatever happens will happen - just leave it to God or fate or destiny. With or without divorce, just pack and leave and start my life afresh somewhere be it in US or India, because as I get older all these failures and let downs and disappointments will become even more harder to cope with. Already, being the 2nd time for me, it is not at all easy. It makes one very drained and tired unable to do anything else with their life and two marriages have taken their toll on me. But being part of an environment that is a constant reminder of not feeling or being wanted and no one to watch out for me or my future leads to a lot of negative feelings and thoughts such as loss of self-worth, self-confidence, lack of direction, purpose, motivation to do anything with my life. Maybe if I leave, I will gain at least some of this back. This status quo just does not seem healthy or sustainable into the future. I am thinking of finding a place for myself to stay separate for a few months and come home over the weekends. Maybe it will help both of us.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    There will always be someone more experienced with a different take on things. So I am risking putting my life out here for advice:

    This is my 2nd marriage.
    Pros:
    Financially well-settled
    Nuclear family but no kids
    Live abroad
    No direct demands regarding food, money, in-laws duty
    Intimate life no issues
    No bad habits
    No physical abuse
    No anger, temper issues

    Cons:
    100% emotional
    After having pursued me for over a year despite my strong disinterest and going against his entire family to marry me, I don't think I have ever truly felt the respect position and status of a wife and life-partner
    Everything he is has been 100% divided between two things (1) his family (2) his career
    It has been many years now and I have exhausted all options of fighting for his resources towards the woman he chased and fought to marry. I have accepted, however difficult, that I cannot force someone to like me or talk to me or spend time with me. I can conduct myself in a manner that one would want to but beyond that it has to be from the other side.
    I feel like a "keep" in this relationship for whatever we have is behind closed doors in a foreign land. I am "invisible" when his family his around as if he is guilty and ashamed of me and I am a liability.
    Everyone's life has a few major events in their time such as graduations, marriage, death, divorce, birth, property, health etc. He was not around to stand by me even as a friend or room-mate in some of these major events in my life which has not only been a huge let down but also a breach of trust (betrayal) that will this man be for me in old age?
    No "real" "meaningful" gifts, zero travel, late hours at work. Work on weekends. Zero conversation. There are more words in the 30-40 minutes he talks to his parents in an India call once a week than what he talks to me in a month. It is like silent solitary confinement. Zero social life. It is a life of existence and isolation.
    After many years of adjustment I felt it is slowly draining me psychologically and this is not a healthy environment to be in.

    Finally, my soul snapped. I have set him free if he wants to divorce, remarry and have kids. I have been through one divorce already so no energy to do it again. There is a high probability he will not do anything and continue this status quo till the end.

    We are both old enough to advise our kids on their date-lives so running to elders for advice or involving them is way beyond our age and maturity (both in our mid 40s). Remarrying and kids for me is no longer an option. It will be my 3rd marriage plus too old to have kids. I have no interest in either.

    So - where to go and what to do from here on? Do I just live one day at a time in this big luxurious bungalow doing what I do alone till death consumes me? Dragging myself to a no-motivation job and talking to one or two friends I have.

    I do work but it seems pointless now. I have money and if there is really going to be a divorce, I would ask for assets to be split. Should I just resign and at least travel and do the things I want to do and enjoy the last few years of my life?

    The age and stage of paranoia surrounding divorce and being financially independent is over. I consider myself the other side of life where it is about down-sizing and living a spiritual life.
     
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  2. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry you are going through this. Going through one bad marriage is draining by itself, know that by experience , and to land in another situation like that is tough. I am just going to tell you what I would do in this situation ( and this is my back up plan if I am 40 and single ). I would go to another country/place and do some teaching to rural underprivileged students there or join an organization like teach for India. take a break from society , immerse in new surroundings .We need a purpose in life and without that we start decaying . marriage and kids might not be your life path but you might have a different purpose in life, find it..
     
  3. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    spouse as a...
    private trophy vs. public display item
    seems to be the disconnect.

    If the man that is mentioned in the OP has been a satisfied partner in this merger, and the woman (OP) can list the "pros" of this merger, namely
    • No direct demands regarding food, money, in-laws duty
    • Intimate life no issues
    • No bad habits
    • No physical abuse
    • No anger, temper issue
    this merger is plenty more than a 50% success. OP's complaints rise out of a situation that is unfortunately more common in marriages than we'd imagine: the expectation that a husband should play the entertainer for the wife, and be responsible for her happiness.

    The OP should try this advice of @Anusha2917.... and attempt to be responsible for her own happiness..
    Once the OP is able to demonstrate that she can be happy on her own, the husband may wish to join and perhaps even be able to display the public togetherness she wishes.
    In order to achieve down-sizing and going all spiritual, one has to be independently happy with oneself.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2019
  4. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I see your cup half full. You might not have been lucky with the marriage part of it but that is not your fault . You have the means ( and choice) to make a living , travel the world, no pressure of sticking in a unhappy marriage because of kids. You are responsible for your own happiness, irrespective of whether you stay or leave the marriage.
     
  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    You are still young (in 40s only) to think about last few years of life . You can read inspiring stories of women who restarted their life after many struggles in this forum or elsewhere. May be your life now dont have any challenges to face,making it very boring. There is no struggle, no purpose of life ,only thing is your longing for your husband 's attention and efforts to make you happy. If you are not happy. No one can make you happy. For a happy person every day is a blessing . Even the smallest things can be exciting. Every one faces issues one way or other. No ones life is perfect.

    You are deeply unhappy and you are linking that emptiness to the lack of companion ship, the way you want. Many women will long for most of the pros your life as given above. Count your blessings.

    If you read this forum, you will find many posts of married women in their 10+ years of marriage staying in loveless marriage, even with no intimacy, just for kids. For them purpose of life is to provide a good life for kids. Kids are there to love them or provide company or make them feel loved. To some extent that help them to get diverted from the unhappy marriage. But you don't have that problem. You have the option to leave this marriage if that's what you want.

    In your pros you mentioned ' intimate life no issues ' I guess that indicate your husband feels he expresses his love through that or desires you. That may be his conversation to you. The love language is different, that's the issue.

    When only two persons live in a home, what's there to talk every day other than routine stuff. In most of families, things related to kids are the main topic. This is why people here suggest the need to have a life outside marriage (having friends circle hobbies, interests, going gym, dance or any other class etc). That will help to some extent to fulfill ones emotional needs too. The reality is that the preferences in life and marriage keep on changing ...what we want in 20s is not the same as in 40s or 70s . Have you talked to your dh about all these or that you are contemplating separation or want to try a different path? What is his opinion on it. Can you think in his way too. Are you a pleasant or gloomy person? Are you very boring. Are you a nagging one. Any thing of that sort. Why do think he don't want to talk to you?. Generally people like to be around cheerful easy going ones. Some people have the tendency of avoiding discussion to prevent conflict. Have you taken initiative for vacation or travel together atleast once per year? I assume you have done everything. But it's not working.

    If you are done with this marriage you can separate, but will that make your life happy? Do you have any other better options or plans or purpose in life. You have to reinvent it. Be practical too.

    What about taking a break from this marriage and see how it goes- you can go to india for a few months, work with any NGO, take a solo trip around the world, move your location of job - anything of that sort, but away from your dh. Then reevaluate and check where you are?

    Will talking to a counselor and venting out there give you more clarity of thoughts? Also make sure you are physically healthy ( hormone changes, thyroid, vitamine deficiency etc can also make one very gloomy and depressed) .But I like your idea of down sizing or moving from a huge bungalow to a cozy home, so you will be close to each other than being in the two corners of the big house. After some time our preference change, being in the same room , not talking to each other, doing totally different things, but in each others presence can also make one happy and relaxed. Its called happiness of togetherness. It varies from person to person.

    You are a smart and talented woman. Ask yourself this question- what can make you happy. If you dont have an answer, escaping from the situation or finding other path may not provide the outcome you are looking for.
    Consider marriage as just part of life, not life. You have a long way to go. Make your journey enjoyable than the destination. Only you can do it, no one else.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2019
  6. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    I like your analytical outlook. The "love language difference" and "conflict avoidance" seem to be the big issues.
     
  7. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    You are talking like you are in mid 60s

    If you are this unhappy and stressed out just initiate the divorce and live a life true to yourself. You have no contact with family, few friends, job. I was exactly in ur position and now i am divorced and single and dating..

    Having the time of my life in US

    Dont let your soul die, do something and be happy. Marriage is a social setup but happiness is our core wellbeing, dont lose it.

    Goodluck
     
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Seems like a lot of water under the bridge. A break is essential for your emotional, physical and mental well being. How will coming home over the weekend help you? Won’t it muddle things up more? I personally think a clean break without any contact can give you the healing you need. What you are looking for is clarity of though and seeing him on weekends won’t give you that.

    I’m not sure of the legal aspects surrounding a trial separation but I’ve heard of it being used by many couples seeking a break from their partners.
    It might help you to talk to a professional and get the details sorted in your mind if you haven’t already.

    Anyone thinking of getting out of the marital home should by default consult a lawyer. We have no idea about the legal rights that gets impacted if someone moves out of a house. Even otherwise, since you are not certain of where you want to take things, it will be good to talk to someone and get the right kind of information.

    He pursued you for over a year and married you despite strong misgiving and pushing and prodding from this same MIL. A decade ago, she would have lined up much more. Despite all her influence over him, he chose you. You already won without even trying a decade ago. Nothing the lady does or schemes is going to change that. When this thought comes up, remember that.

    I know you had some recent turmoil with their visit and your wounds are still raw but she lost the battle a while ago. What you are seeing now is her being a sore loser. Don’t get me wrong. Just giving you some perspective.


    Good luck @aamrapali. You are a balanced and thoughtful poster. I hope you find the peace you are seeking with or without your husband.
     

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