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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shravs3, Dec 23, 2017.

  1. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi ,
    I am Married for past 7 months. Like any gal I dreamt of happy married life! We got married in May. DH had to move to US in June due to job transfer .He stayed only for 3 weeks after marriage.In those 3 weeks we had only piligrimage trip and nothing else.
    We had lot of gap after engagement almost 6 months. But we used to not meet often even though we wre from same city . May be once in a month. Since my FIL was against frequent meet ups before marriage . But I wanted to meet frequently so we could get to know each other well. But tat dint happen. Somehow adjusted. But even after marriage I dint get much time to spend some lone time with him since he had to leave to US. I was also working so I had to quit my job for tat sake. Had to serve notice period so came to US in October.He kept on delaying to book a ticket for me telling his parents wanted me to stay with them for some more days . I lost my patience and told him tat if he really wanted me to join him ! Finally after few days booked tickets and I was obviously excited. But I dint see tat excitement in him! My wish was to be with him before my birthday which was on September end , but he ignored tat and told that his parents wanted me to be there for some more days and booked for oct 1st week finally since I kept pestering him. Initial plan was after quitting job immediately i wanted to join him . But they kept on delaying telling something or the other! After I came to US I dint get my bags immediately since first flight got delayed . So I was worried and even he got worried and started scolding me since I had kept some valuables in it. I was really hurt. How would I know all these things as this was my first international travel and I had to travel alone !! But luckily got the luggage next day ! But my mood was off for his behaviour . Later every now and then we keep arguing for some stupid things . Earlier he had asked me to but some trendy clothes in India so whatever I liked it bought it .After showing him he was like not even one dress is good . Don’t ever wear it. I was really disappointed . I bought some cold shoulder tips as it is in trend now . But he doesn’t want me to wear it telling tat it’s revealing I don’t want others to stare at you blah blah! But it wasn’t much revealing though except for some part of shoulders which wasn’t looking odd though ! He keeps telling now you are married you should listen to me whatever I say! Don’t I have choice for wearing wat I want after marriage !!!He keeps trying to dominate me in all manners . I agree men are dominating by nature but atleast try to listen to wife sometimes! According to him wife should listen to husband at any cost and follow all the rules and regulations of their house! I seriously wonder even at this modern age who feels tat ! Since I’m the only child for my parents I was pampered and there was no such rules or restrictions . I had freedom of speech and expression ! But even my husband is only child but difference is he was brought up in joint family and some family members were little cruel and bad . His father is little dominating nature so my guess is seeing tat even my husband got tat nature somehow ! From clothes to lipstick to shoes I should wear according to him!!! If I argue he is like if you want to stay with me listen to me else get back to India! I’m really helpless sometimes . I don’t have any friends here since I’m new to this place . I feel lonely sometimes . I can’t work as of now since I need to get work authorisation . Since I’m not used to this dominating nature it’s difficult for me to get used to it! What should I do! Please help !!!
     
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  2. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Couple of questions ,

    Was your husband forced into this marriage ? ( no attempts to meet in the same city, delay in getting you to the US)

    Can you get your job back that you quit while in India ?

    I am sorry you have to go through this, but your husband threatening that you can leave if you want to is totally unacceptable and reflects his lack of love and respect for you .
     
  3. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    There family is behind horoscope ! As wat I heard their astrologer told tat I’m good gal seeing my horoscope hence they agreed inspite of mismatch in economic status!
    I actually asked for job transfer but my company refused ! Hence had to quit
     
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  4. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Whose economic status is better , yours or his ?
    Why don’t you contact your ex employer to see if your position is still available? If yes, then have a talk with the husband, first politely. Explain to him that his behavior is hurting the marriage and ask him if he is interested in saving it .suggest counseling and see if he cooperates. If he is resistant to everything, talk to his parents and your parents. If that doesn’t help , either make peace with your situation or pack your bags and leave.
    Wish his parents realized that horoscope matching is the least important criteria to get married and let you two meet often before getting married.

    And PLEASE NO KIDS until this is resolved. Please take care !!

     
  5. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    His status better than ours ! I need EAD to work here since I am on dependent visa without which I can’t work . My parents already know about it . They said will take some time if it continues then we shall talk to their parents . I’m completely lost! According to him wives must listen to husbands he is still in tat age old thing! Wats the point in studying masters ! I don’t even have freedom to wear wat dress or colour I want ! In fact last week we had been to New York . My cousin stays 2 hrs away from New York. Initial plan was they would meet us in New York , since his daughter wasn’t well they invited us for their place . After full arguments finally we went to their place and he started blaming me tat I spoilt the trip.He is like Why should we waste our time and money to go meet them . I feel even though their economic status is high frankly speaking they haven’t enjoyed how much I have enjoyed! He is little money minded . I don’t know wats really happening with my life. Their was some problem with my phone so had to buy new phone , I told him the same initially he was like why do you need a new phone later he got to know the problem and bought a phone. After tat he is like keep on telling I bought you a phone (iPhone)who would buy such expensive things . He keeps telling me I am lucky to get him blah blah sometimes I feel it’s true but sometimes I repent myself ! He is like only if I listen to him and I’m polite to him he will be good to me and listen to me else he will show his ugly side
     
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  6. Anisu

    Anisu Platinum IL'ite

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    @OP,
    During initial days of marriage these are common things some would come across. First spend lots of time in understanding each other. For the dresses tell him that everyone will have their own style in dressing. So he should also respect your taste in dressing. Do not pick fights for petty things. At the same time dont allow him to dominate you. Balance it carefully.
     
    nakshatra1, shama146, shravs3 and 4 others like this.
  7. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    How old are you & your husband ?
     
  8. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Please let the husband know slavery has been abolished long time ago.
    You will need to make sure that you are always financially independent while being married to this man. Because every penny he spends on you will be looked upon as a huge favor and also as a good reason for you to be subservient .But in any case you should have a talk and involve his parents if needed.

     
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2017
  9. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry to say this but i can understand your pain. The giys who are broughtup in an orthodox family grow up to be such male chavunists bcoz of their upbringing and the family atmosphere. 25-30yrs of such upbringing will not change in 6 or 7months... Not even in few yrs.
    You need lot of patience to slowly change his attitude if you want to survive this marriage.
    You cant change someone totally but if you put efforts in smart way and if he is interested in you and this marriage, he will slowly come around. But if he was forced into this marriage, nothing can make him change.

    If he keeps threatening you to leave if you don't do as he wants, just pack your bags and tell him if thats what a marriage is all for him...then you are ready to leave if thats what he wants.
    Tell this in calm confident but firm tone bcoz this can eother backfire you or it can turn a leaf around and make him change his attitude towards you in a better way.
    A marriage can survive without love but not without respect and trust of each other. He needs to know that he has to respect you as a person and as his wife.
    You need to be smart and let him know without creating huge drama that his attitude is wrong and that you won't take it.
     
  10. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    These aren't petty things. If a woman doesn't have control over what she can wear , she has little control over anything else. Its going to be a really slow long process to change this guys thinking, if it can be done at all.. Op, try getting your old job back and return.
     
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