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Confused With Married Life And Scared Of Future.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by DRRAMAN2006, Nov 11, 2016.

  1. DRRAMAN2006

    DRRAMAN2006 Junior IL'ite

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    I am mom of two beautiful kids who make me complete with out husband, we are are not formally separated. My husband is abusive person who does not connect with me emotionally , it all about money and each time he pulls me, i feel i am being raped. 14 years of life is all wasted other than having lovely kids. I am considering separation, my husband visit India once in a year and never bothered to take us with him. I need to be excellent maid cum wife for him. I am enough with this person, he is not ready to give divorce. from last 14 years i am in touch with my close friend who proposed me for marriage before i could get married to my husband, due to parental pressure we had to get married to different person and moved on( He liked me and we ever never into any relationship), all this year he being married use to support me and help me emotionally with my troubled marriage. He too got separated from his wife and he is stays in USA and even now he is asking if he can ask my parents for marriage. I am scared , i have two kids and i cannot accept new relationship though i respect him a lot and i feel incomplete without him. These days i started thinking about him a lot, even though we talk everyday we have never crossed out limit than talking about various issue( work or may be our kids well-being, yes sometimes he tries to explain to me that i deserve a better life , he still cannot thing of any one else other than me for rest of his life). I am scared to think if i deserve one more life. he will keep me happy and we have know each other more than 15 years. He promised to be good father to my kids and he is too has one girl child, willing to wait for my divorce. Even after getting married many time he asked why my parents rejected him and me too. there was silly misunderstanding from both the parents. I feel being mother of 2 kids is all stopping me for second chance in life. My husband wants me to return all the money he spend for me and kids in last 14 years in return for divorce. What should I do...I am not interested in marriage, however this friend of mine is so accommodating and respects women be it is EX also is making me to fall for him. Me and my husband have never shared even bed other he pulling me for SXXXX. Never we went out of vacation or had friendly talk about anything.
     
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  2. vinodsinha

    vinodsinha Bronze IL'ite

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    You and the other man are in an affair, for the past 15 years. By, "never crossed out limit" , you are probably meaning that there was no physical intimacy involved.

    Fine.

    But this deep 15 years long affair with the other man, itself is enough to prevent you from committing passion in the present relationship with your husband.

    The same could have been the case with the other man also. Due to the affair with you, he could not have committed passion with his wife, which might have lead to the failure of his first marriage.

    Sorry, if what I thought was wrong. But, it appears in this way to me.
     
  3. gok

    gok Silver IL'ite

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    Your friend's attitude towards you after 15 years being the same is a good thing but do you know the reason for your friend's divorce or separation when he is very accommodating and respecting women, including his ex. You said you are not formally separated from your husband, and does that mean you both are living together as of now. I am not sure what issue you have with your H now, but if the only reason is - not being expressive in love, most of the men are like that. Even if they love and care, they don't know or feel shy to express. IMO, if you have any other problems with him like abuse, then you might consider about separation.
     
  4. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    You have a peculiar situation and when you come to a forum such as this, be prepared to get a lot of judgemental opinions about your actions & even character from anonymous strangers who have a so-called black and white code of "ethics".

    So one thing you must watch out for is to not take any of the opinions posted here too seriously that it makes you feel worse than you already do and you end up taking a wrong turn/decision.

    Your situation is a human story that needs to ne dealt with sensitivity & understanding of all sides of the story. Please talk to a professional therapist who will be qualified in guiding you to understand the best move for you.

    Now for my own 2 cents on the matter (and take it witha pinch of salt as i am also an internet stranger), I would say set aside any guilty feelings for now. Some of your statements show remarkable clarity -

    You are done with this marriage but not ready to jump into a new relationship. That is good you know this abt yourself. Respect this need of yours. To have a sane life you need to have either both feet in the marriage or out of it. Likewise you need both feet in the relationship with your friend or outside of it. Right now you are straddling a wall where on side is your marriage and on thw other is your non-relationship relationship.
    Getting both feet on one side will be the first step to fixing your life.

    I wld suggest taking a break from your relationship with your friend. Complete no contact for 6months. Does divorce still seem like the right thing to do ? This time off will also indicate if your friend truly means he will wait for you. Usually most men will go on to find a new partner. Dont settle for a marriage where you need it for financial sustainance but need your friend for emotional sustainance. That is a troika that is doomed to fail spectacularly.

    Dont let your husband bully you. If anything he will be the one required by US law to set aside upto half his paycheck for spousal and child support. You need not and he cannot demand you pay him for your upkeep during the marriage. It is invalid in both Indian and U.S law. Arm yourself with information on divorce & your legal rights by consulting an attorney.

    In summary -
    First take a 6month break from your friendship with your male friend. Make it clear that this break is vital for clarity & essential in order for both of you to be ready if you were to end up together. Then see if divorce is still appealing to you. See a lawyer and know your rights. Get on with a divorce or legal seperation if that feels right. After 6months to 1 year after divorce or whenever you feel able to have a real relationship with your friend, you may re establish contact. Keeping your friend close by because you are afraid to lose his emotional intimacy is a bit selfish. You are denying his ability to experience a real relationship in life (with you or someone else).
     
  5. DRRAMAN2006

    DRRAMAN2006 Junior IL'ite

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    We did not even meet for each other from the time we both have got married. I never had affair or before marriage. He stays in US and me in India, when he comes to India he come to my parents home on friendly note in fact he is spending time with my brother in USA. Met in during is marriage in 2007 and 2016, in presence of family, we only communicate on phone. I am honest to my husband in letting him know each and everything in life, i respect marriage institution. Till last month i never even thought of separation. My husband other giving money nothing in life he is given to my kids or to me. Not even he is one holiday for kids and Every time he comes to India me and my kids need in four wall and he will spend in front of TV doing nothing, then in Night time for me it is nightmare.
     
  6. DRRAMAN2006

    DRRAMAN2006 Junior IL'ite

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    I have already informed this friend for mine not to call for sometimes, if i don't pick up the phone he will call my mom. After my marriage he become to close to my family, he hangs around with my sibling in US. I have tried to avoid many times. All he says i just want to see if your happy. There were times when husband use to hit me sometimes abuse my parents if they visit. He guided my parents to approach candian lawyer and infact offered help to my husband if in case he can do anything he forget visa/pr. It hurts me when i talk about my personal issue, you are right i should stop or give space to both of us.
     
  7. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    In which country do you live with your kids , in which country does your husband live ? In which country does your friend live ? Your so called friend, if he is truly a friend, will want to see your marriage happy and will respect your request to him to maintain distance. He seems to be intent on breaking up your marriage, has broken his own marriage and is waiting in the wings for you to become available. Sounds a bit shady to be honest. You can request your family members to also maintain distance and you too should be disciplined to have no contact until you have made a decision on your marriage.

    A third party can appear very attractive when seen from inside an unhappy marriage. But whether you & your friend are really compatible as husband and wife can be determined only when you are seeing each other exclusively for atleast 3 months and living in close proximity.

    Dont make the mistake of leaving your marriage thinking your happy ending lies in reuniting with your friend. Because if he proves to be a poor partner then you may regret your divorce. Leave your marriage only based on merits/demerits of your relationship with your husband. That way you will have no regrets later on. You can objectively decide this only when you cease contact with your friend for 6 months.

    Goodluck.
     
    NeetaR likes this.
  8. DRRAMAN2006

    DRRAMAN2006 Junior IL'ite

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    Stormy Romance? you are fast to Jump into conclusion....
    14 years of marriage, yearly once a visit, His family is not talking to me because they did injustice to my me and my kids by defaulting his sponsorship. In india he comes to enjoy only in front of TV and day one of marriage my hymen broke( all he said oh..you are virign, that word shattered me he can think all such crap), short temper if food is not good,, he will throw on my face, if i don't pick the call he will call my office landline. if i spend more money, he will ask have your donated to my family, he does not even spare chocolates he sends for my kids. For kids other than paying fee and sending yearly once cloths is not fatherhood. Never asked my elder about her education or her day to day activity for 2nd one is only 4 years and normally boy tent to pickup late. I am termed as irrespobile mom. My day starts like. 5am to 7 am cooking for for Breakfast and lunch then make them ready for school by 7.30 and once they leave for school by 9 i need to leave for office. then by 4.30 pick kids from my mom home and drop them in tuition and we reach home my 6 and it again same make them study and make them eat, study and sleep. I have been this way from last 10 years. MAny times he use hit me whole night, Untill i turned the table in giving him back and calling local police and from that time he never hits. Stormy Romance? you are fast to Jump into conclusion. We have hardly met 2 times in presence of our family in last 15 years. Even today he never asked me to love him. I have so much to deal in my day to day life i don't have time for my self. Office, kids, single parenting.
     
  9. DRRAMAN2006

    DRRAMAN2006 Junior IL'ite

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    He said that his Ex- wife is not comfortable with his family and she is very career oriented and did all she could do to abort the child. that hurt him a lot and she openly decalred that she cannot confined in family like taking care of kids. He needs to cook and take of child and then leave for office in US, his wife earns better than him and she has lived all alone in US. Infact they are good parents and they had mutual divorce / Separation. She initiated the divorce. My issue with Husband is endless, i have mentioned here.
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2016
  10. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Just liking some one doesn't equate to affair.Op ignore men on this forum.Some time they are too harsh on women.
    If your husband comes for few days to live with you every year you marriage is dead.You have mention of some serious abuse too.
    Its a high time you apply for divorce.Be independent for some time.Then think of other relationship when you are in stable state of mind.Some time option which are not so good start looking good because we are in desperate situation.
     
    DRRAMAN2006 likes this.

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