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confused!!.......how to set things right??......communication problems??

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by bluerose, Apr 25, 2014.

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Apr 25, 2014 #1
bluerose New IL'ite

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heyy all!!

Im really upset and confused as to what am I supposed to do?
my husband does NOT COMMUNICATE.....now what I mean here by communication is that that he does not tell me anything or inform me anything at all about whats going on in his life especially when it comes to his family.
Its just been about 6 months since our marriage, so initially, infact even now at times I think that may be its not yet enough time for us to get comfortable with sharing our family matters with other but now.......this is becoming too much.
In the beginning I used to think that its fine if he is not really sharing his family matters with me may be cause I have nothing to do with it.

It is now that I'm realizing that he actually does not share anything with me, absolutely nothing...whether it be small occasion or a major issue in his family.....he does not let me know about it. We do have arguments on this topic now, but I eventually keep quite thinking that there is no point in arguing.

Also often when I try to talk to him, I mean just casual talk, he often says that he is tired or in a bad mood and dosent want to be disturbed, and so I just keep quite. But recently when this scenario happened again, when I tried to talk and he told me that he was tired and didn't want to talk, immediately like I mean about 10-15 mins later, I noticed that he shut the door of our room and was speaking to his mom. I wouldn't have even noticed this hadn't I gone in to serve him coffee. And to my surprise this person who few mins ago told me was tired, in a bad mood and didn't want to talk or be disturbed was actually very NICELY SWEETLY happily and laughingly talking to his mom, and not even anything imp coz that he would not do in front of me, since he always walks out of the house or talks to his mom in my absence. And they were actually talking about casual stuff...how ru?..n whats for dinner?...did the maid come today??...etc etc.

I have no problem if he talks to his mom, but WHY an arrogant behavior with me and sweet with his mom. What wrong did I do to be treated like this?

Also when we have arguments on the 'miscommunication topic'......once I have noticed that when I told him I don't know from where or which book in this world have you read that 'wife need not know everything about her husband' and 'husband need not tell everything to his wife' and etc etc........he accidentally said that 'I don't have to read these things in any book, my mother has taught me this...and who are you(that is me) to ask me questions'. Also in an argument he mentioned once that 'my mom(his mom) told him not to tell me about stuff in their family'......

At once I even thought that may be coz im not a blood relation I need not know everything but when other DIL's in the family know then why am I different.

Is it just because my MIL is like that or is it my husband ?

I dont know how to handle things now??What am I supposed to do?
What would anyone else in my situation do?
I even feel at times if I should continue with this marriage or not???

bluerose, Apr 25, 2014

bluerose, Apr 25, 2014

#1

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Apr 25, 2014 #2

JGVR Gold IL'ite

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Looks like your husband is a mama's boy and brought up in a male chauvenist environment.But that doesn't mean that you need to be his slave.It might take sometime for him to change and be your better half.

You can try to do some of these

1. After he comes from office, enquire about his work and tell anything if you have to tell him.Initially there will be one word response or no response but don't bother.Keep doing this

2.Have a friends of your own and have hobbies of your own.Go for a walk,watch some Tv shows.Basically do not wait on him to talk to you or to spend time with you,it irritates you and in turn leads to arguments.

Some guys are like your husband, but with time he will start to miss you.Talk to him and share things with him and be happy even though he doesn't respond.It will take time but worth the effort.

JGVR, Apr 25, 2014

JGVR, Apr 25, 2014

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Apr 25, 2014 #3

pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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Difficult situation, I agree...but not impossible to manage.

I think every MIL in this world thinks her DS is still a toddler no matter even if he is of 30-40yrs. Lol.

Yes, your DH is still mommy's lil kid married to you.
It'll take some time, patience and some "smart talks" to grow him into a loving DH.

First and foremost, don't ask "why?" He is not telling you anything.

Even if he doesn't share with you, you go and sit with him and share everything that you did the whole day. Even if ge doesnt seem interested in your talks or seems irritated, don't stop.

Tell your fave things like flowers or food etc and ask the same of his faves.

Try telling small details and ask his small fetails. Slowly he'll make a habit of sharing it with you.

When he speaks with his mommy infront of you, after call is over, tell him how much you adore this mother-son bond (even if you dislike it in real) and tell how you too wish to bond well with his fanily as you consider his parents as yours. (Even if not in dreams )

The mantra is to gain your DH'S love and trust in you slowly but strongly.

Once he starts trusting you, he'll slowly start sharing too.

Just try to paint a positive picture of his mommy infront of him. ;-)

pinky2cute, Apr 25, 2014

pinky2cute, Apr 25, 2014

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Apr 26, 2014 #4

bluerose New IL'ite

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thanks for ur replies!!

but he dosent make a single call in front of me.....and what i dont understand is what is the need to make calls secretly like this, i mean this is real wierd behavior.

bluerose, Apr 26, 2014

bluerose, Apr 26, 2014

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Apr 26, 2014 #5

koolking New IL'ite

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Hello bluerose, This situation is common in newly married couples.... The situation is that u have left ur entire life behind n chose to be a part of an entirely new life..... So obviously u think that ur husband shud also consider u as a part of his life n shud share everything n anything.... u r being correct in ur position,, but hte problem is that ur husbands life in not changed entirely.... surely u have been added to his life but his major life is still filled with ur IL's... so in this situation patients is the key.... try to blend in his life smoothly and an abrupt blending will always cause an irritation to ur hubby... Make his life such a way that majority u shud b filled in it... n then ur hubby will always love n respect u the way u want.... good luck

koolking, Apr 26, 2014

koolking, Apr 26, 2014

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Apr 26, 2014 #6

yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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If I were in your place I would ask him directly.
1) Why do you call your mom secretly?
2) do you not consider me a part of your life?
3) Do you want this to be the usual behavior between your mother and me?
4) If this is the way you both want to continue...don't expect me to be a part of her life.
5) If she considers me to be the outsider who needs to be kept uninformed...then don't ever expect me to be involved with her life.
6) You may not realize now but you are causing an irreparable damage to the relationship between your mom and me.Don't expect that one day suddenly things will change between us .some damages are not reparable.
7) How would you react if I took calls from my parents secretly like you do?

yellowmango, Apr 26, 2014

yellowmango, Apr 26, 2014

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Apr 26, 2014 #7

complainBaby Bronze IL'ite

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yellowmango said: ↑

If I were in your place I would ask him directly.
1) Why do you call your mom secretly?
2) do you not consider me a part of your life?
3) Do you want this to be the usual behavior between your mother and me?
4) If this is the way you both want to continue...don't expect me to be a part of her life.
5) If she considers me to be the outsider who needs to be kept uninformed...then don't ever expect me to be involved with her life.
6) You may not realize now but you are causing an irreparable damage to the relationship between your mom and me.Don't expect that one day suddenly things will change between us .some damages are not reparable.
7) How would you react if I took calls from my parents secretly like you do?
Click to expand...

i would do the same lol , even more , i would say i am not here only for ur physical needs , if u cant share things wid me i cant share my bad with you

complainBaby, Apr 26, 2014

complainBaby, Apr 26, 2014

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Apr 26, 2014 #8

yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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complainBaby said: ↑

i would do the same lol , even more , i would say i am not here only for ur physical needs , if u cant share things wid me i cant share my bad with you
Click to expand...

:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl

yellowmango, Apr 26, 2014

yellowmango, Apr 26, 2014

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Apr 27, 2014 #9

bluerose New IL'ite

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thanks guys!
@yellowmango : i have asked him why does he talk secretly to il's, but this ends up in an argument and he talks very rudely to me and says stuff like 'why should I tell u everything and its my wish to talk to my mom secretly, we have our family's personal matters to discuss so why should I discuss in front of you'.

im really upset with his behavior and really looking for a solution and i dont know how should i behave, i undestand patience is required but its becoming very difficult for me.

bluerose, Apr 27, 2014

bluerose, Apr 27, 2014

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Apr 27, 2014 #10

yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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Does he expect you to take care of his family later in life?

Let him know that by saying such things he is excluding you from the family and should not change his stand later on in life when he will need you to be part of his family to take care of them.

Do you work?

Last edited: Apr 27, 2014

yellowmango, Apr 27, 2014

yellowmango, Apr 27, 2014

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