Confused.. How To Handle - Husband Wants Me To Leave Him And Baby

MindVoice · Jul 6, 2016

How do you enforce healthy boundaries in your marriage? Be assertive ?
When your husband has told you to leave?

H4 housewife, well educated with good job back in India, now here with husband for 1.5 years, 8 month old baby. Husband is momma's boy (parent's boy), puts blood before all - even wife. Not communicative, does not discuss, and then blows his fuse. Ignores me in everything, I am his last priority. He is a dutiful and loving son and father, which only highlights what I'm missing. No, I dont know why. He is selfish, puts his interests above mine. He is also a decent man, none of the regular vices.

I am being very superficial here, the stories would take pages.

He has a basically traditional mindset, which I unfortunately discovered only slowly after marriage. Appears to adjust but keeps tabs. I am someone who believes in equality and respect in marriage..

I am not ready to leave my Baby. My parents have told me to just deal with it.
I am here looking for support, guidance and wisdom.

I notice that I haven't mentioned my faults. I raise issues when they happen. Yet, I have been too accommodating of his quirks and demands, despite voicing my disagreement. I have adjusted and compromised a lot. I get emotional - teary when I'm really angry. And dumb, to stop myself from saying anything untoward.

It went fine as long as I kept nodding my head, but finally now that I have started making a stand (on issues of Baby's feeding), he has told me to leave the house, and that he doesn't need me. Because I have an opinion on everything, and because I don't cook for him on time and manage the house by myself (am not the obedient traditional housewife) - Baby notwithstanding.

I'm feeling so dazed, I don't even know if I am coherent.
What should I do now? How should I carry myself? We are not even looking at each other. And no, its not just-a-husband-and-wife-tiff. He has given me the silent treatment several times before, but this time, he said this, and actually called up his parents and blamed me left right and centre to them. In front of my parents, who had just got on skype to see me.

Maybe I am too vague..just prod me for more detail.

blindpup10 · Jul 6, 2016

@MindVoice
Yea.. you are being vague on the details...
I am sorry your husband is a douche. If your baby is 8-month-old there is something called 8-month regression, where child is plainly cranky and very difficult to manage.
The (Dreaded) 8-10 Month Sleep Regression

After the birth of the child, momma boy husband's ( including mine) can't handle it because the baby gets 100% attention and they are left to take responsibility and do most of the things by themselves.

Can you discuss with you husband about 8th month regression and there is nothing parents can do but bite their teeth and hold it for the phase to pass... Is he feeling neglected coz you are with the child?

Just so you know you can't leave the child and just go! Even if he wants... Legally the child will have to come with you.
Do you know if these ideas are coming from his parents or just through him?
Why are your parents not supporting you?
What is the particular stand that your husband is upset about?

He doesn't need you....?? what are you..?? Aaaya service? to bear him a child and to leave when he demands?!! Seriously!! Such a prick!

JGVR · Jul 6, 2016

I guess you are on the right track.Stand up for yourself,don't behave like a doormat and turn deaf ears to your h's tantrums.Better apply for a work visa and start looking for jobs.

Gaiya3 · Jul 6, 2016

MindVoice said: ↑

well educated with good job back in India,
Click to expand...

What is stopping you from looking for ajob in your current place?Do you have EAD? Can you apply for that? If you have job authorization you can start working.
Be independent. He cannot send you out just like that. See if you can find a local support group. Collect all the details and then talk to him and find out if you both can work together in resolving this. In case if you feel threatened dont hesitate to call the cops

MalStrom · Jul 6, 2016

First of all, your husband is free to take a hike if he wants. But there is no way he can tell you to leave and keep the baby. Even if you separate legally you will have at least joint custody. So don't fall for this nonsense.
If you are eligible for EAD try to find a job and become financially independent. Ideally if you can afford it you might want to consult a lawyer about your options in case of separation. Try to contact a local women's group to see if you can get pro bono service.

MindVoice · Jul 6, 2016

Thank you @blindpup10, @JGVR, @Gaiya3 and @MalStrom for responding so quickly..

@blindpup10 yeah the last month had been difficult..baby has been up all night and he is angry that I'm sleeping in rather than get up fix up food. He didn't complain for a whole week, but got angry when it happened in the weekend.

He does not discuss anything with me. Even if I tell him I want to. Sometimes I tell him but he sticks to his guns anyway. This happens with everything and I'm frustrated with my life.
Of late, I've been putting my foot down. So he has accused that I create a problem for everything and argue for even small things. This is the reason for the current tantrum.
I want to let my baby breastfeed as much as possible, he wanted to give formula (I have been opposing it vehemently, after explaining fully to him AND his mom and his siblings (he follows their suggestions) my reasons. When I explained all that, they wanted me to 'get her used to formula' in case my supply stops. So I agreed that I would be okay with that provided we were just exposing her to it, and not replacing any feeds, and that after 6months EBF only. This cropped up at 3 months, and again at 6 months. I even discussed with the Pediatrician about my choice in front of him, and got her assent. So after all this, he wanted to give her a bottle of formula while I did the cooking. After starting solids, my baby has reduced her intake naturally, so I do not want to lose the few chances I get. I got angry that he was trying to force formula on me (I was already giving her cereal everyday with formula) and told him firmly that I will not cook if he gives her formula. And Boom!
I feel he is reacting so angrily because he can't have his way ? And feels disrespected as a man because I do not obey? (Never mind that I've given in to his wishes on everything else) I don't know how to deal with this : I can't keep obeying him for the rest of my life!

He probably feels neglected, yet when I try to do something for him, he pushes me to take care of the baby saying baby comes first. I feel he wants both him and baby to be taken care of, but there is only so much I can do. His solution for this is me sacrifice some already precious sleep so that I can eat, feed him, on time. I appreciate his intent but don't understand why I should sacrifice, rather than him adjusting or talk about other ways to get this done.

My angst is that he keeps nitpicking (never vocalises, for then I can explain or we can discuss), and just blames me one fine day. And makes it sound so reasonable. Alas, the devil is in the details!
So much can solved if he would discuss and be amenable to a compromise, but he is convinced that he is right and I should just listen. I can't change him, but how do I handle this?
What do you do @blindpup10 when u see that resentment in your home?

Ragini25 · Jul 6, 2016

Are you ready for a legal divorce? If yes, that's a legal option where custody is joint. If not, keep working on him - will take 'many' years for gradual change (if hopefully it happens).

MindVoice · Jul 6, 2016

@JGVR @Gaiya3 @MalStrom
No EAD, not eligible for it yet and I don't know when he'll be eligible for it either. My professional qualification requires retraining in US, and I don't know if I can get any other unrelated job and be sponsored for it too!!! Financial freedom would definitely be a game changer but I'm lost here again.

I'm relieved to know that I wouldn't lose my baby. I've been afraid of that in a worst case scenario..

Brevity · Jul 6, 2016

I think your issues are more severe than breast milk vs formula. I am just trying to help you deal with immediate problems.

Could your husband be insisting formula feed so that he can also participate in the baby's feeding ? If so express some breastmilk and bottle it so that he can feed her. Or give the solid feeds to him but don't blame him if baby does not eat much.

When you try to take care of the house leave the baby with your husband. Plan ahead for some easy/quick food stuff for tired days. Buy cut, cleaned ready to use type veggies that you can throw in a wok and make healthy but easy side dishes.
Take nap breaks with your baby.

Above all do not have a second baby on top of all this mess.

Also remind him that you are not a uterus on rent, that you will never abandon your baby and that law gives babies so young especially girl babies to mothers. But since you respect him as the father you will not deprive the baby of a dad. Tell him that even if he wishes to separate, the baby deserves to have both mom and dad albeit in separate homes. Tell all this once in the most levelheaded manner and then ignore his later rants.

iamsrihere · Jul 6, 2016

Iam sure you are not looking for divorce as the solution.

For the time being do what you are actually doing. Let him get used to it. If he complains to his mom,dad,sis,pet,let him go on. It is his problem. Don't bother because you are also a human. If an adult man can't take care of himself,it is HIS problem. Your health & sleep is more important for you because your baby directly depends on you. If you fall sick, there is no one who can take care of her like you. SO it is OK to be selfish. If he wants to raise an issue, let him do, don't bother till you feel you have got the routine back in life(till your baby's sleep time and food habits are easily manageable)

Till then, completely IGNORE. Don't think of satisfying anyone. If he can give you silent treatment and ignorance, give him the taste of his own medicine.