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Confused How To Handle Finances

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by nakshatra1, Dec 7, 2017.

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  1. Jan 4, 2018 #21
    Angel121

    Angel121 Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear OP

    I'm sorry about your situation. I am unmarried and cannot offer any advice, however, your post has made me realize how important it is to discuss finances and financial commitments and spending before marriage.
     
    Angel121, Jan 4, 2018
    Angel121, Jan 4, 2018
    #21
  2. Jan 4, 2018 #22
    nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Much before marriage itself , I have discussed with DH to make deadlines for loan closure. However, every time in between suddenly his parents/sisters come up with something- and he has to relent. And then he skips his loan instalments for taking care of those "urgent" issues. If he ever dares to tell no, his sister always ready to lend money with 3-4 months payment deadline if he tells he doesn't have the capacity, but they will never take no for an answer if he says doesn't have capacity to spend.And these loans she gives, to buy gold etc for her only or other SILs!If FIL want DH to buy him a Nano, and DH tells he doesn't have the capacity right now ,then SIL unilaterally decide and buy it for him, and ask DH to pay back within 4 months!! But they will never take no for an answer.I'm really fed up of SIL and her over-interference and domination and taking all decisions on DH expenses by always ready to give loan. And PILs can't stop praising her for her generous lending and how she is perfect and DH is worst.
    If I argue with DH(before marriage), he would dismiss me that I cannot complain about anything he did before marriage- it is another matter that those debts are affecting us after marriage. Can you believe a sister forcefully giving loan to give gold etc for her functions. In arranged marriage you can discuss finances, when you are in a committed relationship- does it make any difference whether we discuss finances before or after marriage? I have made my financial commitments towards parents clear before marriage itself, that doesn't stop my DH/PIL complaining about things post-marriage. Before marriage, people make all sorts of commitments to become responsible and careful, but when reality hits us things don't go as planned.
     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2018
    nakshatra1, Jan 4, 2018
    nakshatra1, Jan 4, 2018
    #22
  3. Jan 4, 2018 #23
    MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    @nakshatra1 I know its hard to accept and our generation don't have such patience. From older generation I know an example of my father. He had 4 sister and a brother. His father died after the marriage of 3 sisters. Mother was a housewife and was not capable to earn. He spend all his life for his family. My mother is always a great supporter. They did 3 marriages including his marriage. Gave everything to everyone more than their ability by taking loans etc. Till date they are doing it with very bad or say worst response from them. But I can only see that their (my parents) life is much better then them in all the ways. For that I feel their karmas paid to them if not those people. In their kids marriage too they didn't gave me a single rupee for which my father felt too bad but my mother is like its ok let them be as they are don't change yourself for bad. Even I can't be that much patient no matter how much I try to be. My husband also want to have that much patience but fails many times when people don't respond properly. Don't know how they managed to be like that. @periamma ji too suggested me to have patience. I just can pray to have that.
     
    MonikaSG, Jan 4, 2018
    MonikaSG, Jan 4, 2018
    #23
  4. Jan 4, 2018 #24
    nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    @MonikaSG,
    Feeling bad for your parents' situation but I'm happy they are doing well now. i find it hard to believe in Karma, but it's nice to read such encouraging stories too-maybe Karma does exist. I hope it does.
    But what I feel now, I have a responsibility towards my kids' future. Our financial condition is not at all good. If I silently agree with everything, tomorrow DH, me and kids will be biggest sufferers. So I don't want to accept everything blindly.. What is meaning of marriage - Just to slog hard to provide luxuries to SILs and PILs when in-fact none of them are actually needy- but ruin future of own kids, and spend retirement on the streets as a beggar? Don't I have any duty towards my kids?
    Still, I will follow your advice and try to be patient in dealing with DH. Let him do what he wants- if he can get so easily emotionally manipulated, if he can't say no when he should - I cannot change him- it's a futile exercise. But I'm trying my best to protect my income and save for my kids as well DH/my retirement than have it indirectly spent on SILs. Hope God gives me patience to be able to do all this calmly without spoiling my peace of mind.
     
    nakshatra1, Jan 4, 2018
    nakshatra1, Jan 4, 2018
    #24
  5. Jan 4, 2018 #25
    MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    I know its too difficult to accept. If someone is taking away something from you then insecurities does exist. But in long term I feel your behaviour towards them will matter. Once you start thinking too much you will lose your control and will start behaving abnormally which will make your image too down in front of your h. After that even if you get all the money you will never be able to get that respect and love from him. I can just say save relationship everything else will be saved for you. And kids brings their luck with them. Don't worry too much about those who does not exist at present . At least I believe in it.
     
    MonikaSG, Jan 4, 2018
    MonikaSG, Jan 4, 2018
    #25
  6. Jan 4, 2018 #26
    nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    @MonikaSG
    DH even delayed marriage also due to his financial commitments- which I agreed for but nothing changed.His loan is almost same He is always lamenting where his money went of so many years. If we can't even afford a baby, what's the point of working so hard in our careers? What is the point of our life - only to lavish SILs and their kids? I am not raising kid topic with him at all anymore.But surely , by this time, we should have at-least some savings for ourselves atleast for emergencies.
    You are very correct that I need to control my thoughts , or my behavior in front of DH will change and affect my marriage- I will try to remember this. I hope God gives me the patience to do things calmly. I will try to remind myself every time.
     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2018
    nakshatra1, Jan 4, 2018
    nakshatra1, Jan 4, 2018
    #26
  7. Jan 4, 2018 #27
    MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    I am getting your point. I may not be right. But I feel is if we get so much worried we start taking wrong decisions. You feel pain to getting married late but why don't you think that you got more time with your family and to face these things. Now you are married and happy with him. Just keep this in mind that more than luck and before time no one get anything. Believe in it and live your life tension free. You don't have kids not even you are retiring tomorrow. You are taking all the tensions that may come to your life. You are missing the present life. How nice it has become with the person you love. I am saying this by experiencing it personally. By going with my worry and over possessive nature I lost much of my respect. Whenever I argue with my h he point out the thing that I didn't showed much respect to his mother. No matter how much I suffer due to this. But at the end I spoiled my image too by overreacting. You have love marriage can you digest to hear something negative about you from your love?
     
    MonikaSG, Jan 4, 2018
    MonikaSG, Jan 4, 2018
    #27
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  8. Jan 4, 2018 #28
    nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot for advising me sister and sharing your experience. Yes, you are right , words cannot be taken back and whatever I say in anger now I may regret forever. So I need to be peaceful and maintain my respect. I hope God gives me the strength to be calm. I try to be calm, but every-time some new demand comes I lose my temper. Also, PILs always taunt us if we go to movies or somewhere nearby saying we are wasting money and neglecting them..This just drives me mad.I'm trying to be calm. Will try to remind myself of your advice.
     
    nakshatra1, Jan 4, 2018
    nakshatra1, Jan 4, 2018
    #28
  9. Jan 4, 2018 #29
    MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    Its OK let them say what they want. Ignore what you don't like and accept what you like. And be happy always. :)
     
    MonikaSG, Jan 4, 2018
    MonikaSG, Jan 4, 2018
    #29
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  10. Jan 5, 2018 #30
    Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    If your SIL has the money to give out loans to your DH to buy things for her, then why can’t she buy it for herself? The more I read the more ridiculous / selfish/ greedy your IL’s family sounds .

    I might be wrong but this exploitation of your DH by his family needs to be taken care of right NOW or this will be a lifelong headache for you. I am all for picking and choosing your battles but this is a huge one that impacts your future, so tackle it now.
    Somehow Indian sons think that their parents/ sisters could do no wrong and always have their best interests at heart. Definitely not the case here. If it affects your future, it is YOUR problem too. If the DH is too “nice” to talk you step in and take over.
    Don’t let the guilt of love marriage / no dowry get to you. You will do yourself and DH a BIG favor by stopping this exploitation. True love for the spouse involves directing him on the right path when he is lost. And your DH has been lost deep in the woods. Take charge and get him back.

    I wish you all the strength !
     
    Sandycandy, Jan 5, 2018
    Sandycandy, Jan 5, 2018
    #30
    sheztheone, yellowmango and nakshatra1 like this.
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